Need your advice

[Sam_K]

Hi everyone

i am 34 years old male . I have been married nearly 8 years . I am really depressed and anxious all the time . Going through counseling with psychologist

I need your help to understand if I am the only one wrong .

1 - When we got married . My wife went to a party at her friends house after three or four weeks . I said ok . She said she was dancing without pants in dark with her friends and other men’s . And later a guy claimed she was sexual with him. My wife says she did not do anything wrong because nobody touched her or she never touched anyone . But I was abused because I went to pub with new work mates when I started a onsite job in different city . I don’t go to pubs normally or drink regularly . It was just to socialise . No women’s were involved.

2 - my wife had four kids and I had none when we met . she had freedom to spend her money whenever or whatever she wanted to spend on. She bought her kids whatever she wanted to and I thought it’s her money she can do it .

But when I tried to help my mum it was problem. She think I should only spend money in the house and don’t help my mum if she needed.

3 -in 2012 my wife bought a 5 year old commodore with 160000km for $23000 which was originally advertised for 17000. Dealer added extras things . And 23000 was borrowed from a bank on 20% interest rate . She did not ask me anything or discussed anything. When I said please don’t get this loan because it was going to cost $41000 in total . But she said I am going to pay from my pay.

In2014 When I got personal loan to help my parents it was a problem. Why did not I discussed with her. Our finances are together but why our finances are together only when I want to do something. She calls me arrogant what I found her arrogant when I ask her not get that car but she did it anyway

am I only one wrong or do I have any right to spend money out of my pay wherever I want to after paying most of the bills. Was it ok for my wife To go dance with other men’s or I was wrong to go for few drinks to pub just to get along with new work mates .

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam K

I am so sorry to hear about what's currently happening in your home. I totally understand why you want to escape. It is so sad that she has driven you to this point.

I understand from your post that you are planning to try talking with her about the key issues and if it doesn't go well you are going to leave. I want to suggest a few things for you to consider ....

Your wife is taking on a lot of debt and it is going to spiral because her lenders charge a lot of interest and it doesn't appear she will be able to keep up payments. Because you are married the law might see this debt as yours as well ( I am not a lawyer but I think this may be the case), even if you are separated.

I think it would pay to speak with a lawyer and find out what your rights and obligations are with relation to all this debt. If it's at all possible you may want to return some of the items (e.g. the spa) before you leave your wife to reduce your possible risk.

I know you love your girls. Right now the need to escape is so overwhelming that you are willing to go and give her "full control over the kids" and I understand that. But I'm worried about how you are going to feel in time.

Six months or a year from now you might want something different. And you don't want to be in a position where your wife can argue in court that you abandoned the girls.

Again, my advice would be to seek legal advice. If you are going to leave, consider doing it in a way that will protect yourself from future harm and anguish in relation to your parental rights. You may find that your situation amounts to financial domestic abuse by your wife and that the girls are better off with you.

I am not saying these things to upset you and I don't have all the answers. But if I were in your shoes I would seek legal advice.

Please take good care of yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers

[Sam_K]

Hi

so it was nearly 5 weeks since we had an arguments because I have been avoiding it at so many level just trying to control myself and not to say anything back. I tried not to stress and started doing some workout at home and eat well. . Even she noticed that . So everything was going good. Few days ago we were having a conversation about work colleagues. And topic was when someone get the power it gets to some peoples head . And she said you gave me the look which I didn’t. We were talking so we had eye contact. Half the time she complained she talk to back of My head that’s when I am trying to avoid an argument. I have previously said she trying to control me with the kids which is true. So she had a go at me that day. I did not sleep that night and went to work . I came back home , had a shower and went to sleep straight away. On Friday I came back I have tried to put that little argument away and I was fine . She came back from somewhere. I sat on the lounge watching tv . And she start abusing me about my mother . And told me to talk to the psychologist about my mother which I have . I told psychologist everything and she suggested me to move out 6 weeks ago but I am still stuck here because of the kids. It’s really hard to just pack your stuff and go when kids are always around and follow me everywhere. When I went to sleep early on Thursday because I was so tired my six and half year old daughter gave me kiss on the cheek while I was sleep which I will never forget until my last breath. It shows how much she loves .I was so tired to get up and see who it is but I asked her next day . I am going to see salvos legal in 10 days and see what my options are . I can’t say to my daughter I am not going to around her everyday. 😭 💔

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam

Thank you for sharing that really beautiful and special moment you had with your daughter. Brought a tear to my eye.

Please remember that leaving your wife to protect your mental health and to give yourself a chance at future happiness is not the same thing as leaving your children. You will always be their dad and although things may be different they can still be good.

Many divorced couples have very fair co-parenting arrangements in place. For example, it is not uncommon for children to move between houses on a weekly basis and to share the school holidays.

Your wife is controlling things now because you want to keep the peace but she cannot control you once you leave. You will be able to parent as you see fit to the best of your abilities. And your wife does not control the family law system, so a positive outcome for you is possible.

I think it's great that you will be receiving legal advice. You will put yourself in the best position and a few steps ahead of your wife in terms of a possible separation.

You are doing great. Please don't lose heart. Get your information, keep thinking and keep talking it through.

Kind thoughts to you

[Sam_K]

Hi

I went to salvos legal aid appointment today . First thing lawyer told me I don’t have any rights as a father. Another she can get a hand on everything around me . My father passed away three years ago so the property in India supposed to go to my my mum then come to me but my wanted to put it on my name because she trust me . My mother live in that house in India and she gets income from the farm. I don’t care if I loose half of my super or whatever I have but I don’t want my mothers house and farm to go to her . Being a man legel system doesn’t support you at all . No wonder men go towards suicide other than dealing with it . Because you loose kids , loose whatever you owe and legal bills on top of everything. Every feminist whinge about equality, equal pay , equal rights or whatever but no one care about equality when it comes to family law.

so basically I am stuck sleeping in the Lounge room for the rest my life to avoid all this chaos. Act all happy for the sake of the kids and just pay bills. While wife reconcile with her family members and able to see her grandkids. And on the other side my mother desperate to see my kids on video call .

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam

Sounds like you had a really tough day.

I'm sorry that the legal advice appointment with the Salvos has left you despondent. I know the situation seems bleak but I don't think you should give up just yet.

The primary reason I say this is that, I'm a little confused that you were told you "don't have any rights as the father." My understanding of the law in Australia is that children have the right to a meaningful relationship with both of their parents.

I'd like to suggest that you call the Family Relationships Advice line on 1800 050 321 (Mon to Fri, 8 am to 8 pm). This is a federal government free service that helps people through parenting after separation and the family law system. They also help to settle parenting disputes and make legal referrals, amongst other things. It's only a phone call and given the seriousness of the situation a second opinion couldn't hurt.

Knowing about the risk of your family farm falling into your wife's hands-as hard as that must have been to hear--is a good thing. You now have the opportunity to protect your mother and the farm by transferring the title to your mother. Does this seem logical and possible to you?

I can feel that it's very hurtful to you that your wife won't permitt your children to have contact with your mother. What would happen if you just made the call with the kids?

Sam, I am a woman and a feminist and I care very much about equal rights for fathers in the family law system. I know men who have had good outcomes and men who have not and I understand the heartache and devastation that can result. I am here for you.

You hang in there, my friend

[Guest_1584]

Hi Sam and so sorry for what you and your kids are going through.

But that's not right , you have many rights as a father do not let anyone tell you otherwise. l't s much better now than it use to be l have no idea why he said that.

Talk to mensline it's free call,fantastic counselors there to just talk too and talk to" dads in distress" too also free and hopefully they will set you on the right road. They are all about mens rights in this . lt is quite normal now for parents to do 50 50 custody in Australia even if it has to go to court to get it , but hopefully you don't have to do anything like that . Even in America 50 50 is the norm now and they use to be horrific in that way l've heard. And it's the same through Europe as well.

Please do not accept that baloney women no longer have that kind of hold over the father now. Although it is true , she could still walk into anywhere blame you for all and red carpet will be rolled out for her everywhere yet there is still very little for men and we're basically treated like it doesn't matter. But you do not have to be without your kids,

Of course that's far far better if you can negotiate that with your wife though and alone not in front of the kids , try to keep the peace but stand up fpr your rights as well, just peacefully if possible, but if worst comes to worst you could take it to court if she starts not letting you see them. lt'd be a horrible path but it's better than not seeing your own children. but here they often order 50 50 custody now if you want that, .My ex and l have worked together for my daughter which we decided day one and we see each other whenever we want , and that's obviously by far the best way if possible with your wife to go.too. lt also helps the kids through this so much too,

Anyway mate do not just walk away , talk to those people , search the internet , do whatever it takes,Good luck and so sorry about your situation.

PS , l was also wondering why you let your wife keep your children from their grandmother. ls your mother ok , or does she have some problems. ?

[Guest_1584]

Just one more thing , no women don't automatically get everything now either , that is also being fixed all over the world and they've done a lot here too. My ex and l were 50 in whatever we owned. And it expenses for my daughter,

YOu must dig around on the net about all this stuff mate and def' start with dad's in distress and they also have a forum which help men. , get onto that too.

l'm very much wondering though mate why you let your wife control you and your kids and life like this .

Very best of luck with everything anyway.

[Sam_K]

Nothing wrong with my mother. My wife did not speak Indian and my mother did not speak English. My wife said my mother smacked her hand away gently while my mother was holding baby . someone coming to seen her grand kids her granddaughter first time in six years . Do you think someone will travel 14000km just to be rude to someone specially when it’s thier only son’s wife and kids . My wife abused a JP because she did not say anything or smiled at her . But I thought jp was deaf or could not speak so I was fine . And I have been to that JP before .

While my mum was here for a month my wife asked me if it’s ok if she can sleep with the baby Throughout the day. I said my mum will be ok with that. But later she said me and my mum forced to stay in the room all the time. But how she asked for it and she was only one sleep in the room . I slept outside in the lounge room outside from last few years . My wife wants me get up and go to work at 4 but got annoyed with my phone alarm. My mum was here for three months but I have to send her back in 1 month. I never told my mum about our fight . But my wife keep arguing front of her . I tried to cover it up so my mum won’t get upset. My wife did not even let her see the kids when I was going to drop her at airport.

My mate was cheating on his wife and I did not tell my wife . So my wife says not telling the truth is a lie . Okay let’s stick to that . she dobbed her sister husband because he was cheating on her sister but she did not dobbed her son who was cheating on her girlfriend pregnant with twins . She still haven’t.
Her son and his gf did not had place to live for couple of weeks so they stayed with us . My wife wanted to kick them out but I was the one who said let them stay until they find place . They did not much money so I was cooking them dinner everynight Not her . And she could not shut up while my mum was here . Her son stopped talking to her . But recently she reconciled with them and she is at thier house to see her grand kids it’s been 18 months since my mum left but she still call my mum bitch everytime she argue. If it was someone else saying I would smash thier face by now . My mum seen kids on FaceTime less than ten times in 18 months.

[Sam_K]

hi
as I mentioned earlier my wife got job few weeks ago and she already spent more than $8000 on the openpay , Afterpay and zippay. . She was looking for a car today about $100 a week. I said you don’t need another car because she just spent $2000 on her commodore . She said I am working .

I said I am not getting overtime I want you to half of next electricity bill. She told me you can move out . She can pay the bills because she will get pay from centrelink . I said if you get full time job I want you to pay half the bills she is refusing it.
I get $850 per week
I pay $345 rent + 25 water bill weekly
$300 food when she don’t get paid and 150 to 200 when she does get paid .

$80-100 for my fuel as I drive 135km everyday

$70 internet bill monthly.

i pay full electricity whenever we get bill .

lastyear I paid everything includes her rego and her phone .


she gets about $2000 plus includes child support and Centrelink .


she want to spend her money on her kids And the way she want and if I want do something for my mother as I am only son I get abused. . She expects me to pay all the bills .
she yells at me we don’t go on holidays but how she spent money before it’s hit her bank .
We both signed up contracts for IPhone in 2014 and my wife had two new iPhone on contracts after that . Her phone was fine so I bought prepaid plan for whole year for her . But she went to shop and still got new phone . I was paying for her phone since 2016 until March this year because she signed up new contacts and I refused to pay . Now she pay $170 for her phone and sons sim plan . Her son’s need only $10 phone plan but she is paying $50
I am on prepaid since my contract finished And I pay only 41.25 and I get more data than her both SIM card with free international calls
When she pay for half the food she will say oh you saved money but it’s not like I am putting money aside it’s going into other bills . She accused me to put money aside and send it to my mother but I don’t . My mum gets money from the farm which is enough for her and even she saves out of it .
I begged and begged my wife to bring third person and go through my accounts and I am happy to give netbank password . Because I don’t . It’s hard to walk out when you love your kids and they loves you back and stick to you like glue wherever you go. My older daughter she is 6 and she sleep next to me on the floor . May I should leave when kids not at home . Don’t really want to see them sad.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sam

You have certainly shared a lot with us about you wife's behaviour and I thank you for trusting us.

The most disturbing thing that I picked up is that your wife has worked out the financial cost of you leaving and how to replace that income. I found that quite chilling and very sad.

A marriage should be about so much more than dollars and cents. A family home about so much more than things you can buy to put in it.

I think you know that too, Sam.

Have you sought further information on your parental rights? How are things going with your psychologist?

Kind thoughts to you