Need advice please

Evie82 · ‎21-02-2019

Hi desperately need advice.... I found out last week that I'm pregnant, completely unplanned. I'm petrified to tell my husband. We already have 4 children & are stretched financially & our life is completely chaotic... I know he'll think I've done this deliberately because I love babies & pregnancy. I just feel so foolish I can't believe it is real. I've gone into denial and haven't spoken to a soul about it. I know if I tell my husband he won't even want to discuss it, there will be no option other than abortion... I've always been pro choice but now that it's me in those shoes I don't think I can. I feel physically ill at the thought of it all. I know all our friends and family would think we are stupid to even consider it a 5th child. I even think I'm stupid to consider it. My husband isn't a naturally good father- his impatient & gets overwhelmed by the noise and mess already. He is a decent man but is emotionally cold and distant. We don't talk feelings & I just feel so alone... Would love any advice I feel like I'm drowning

Chrismus · ‎21-02-2019

First of all, my heart goes out to you for your predicament. Having kids is hard, and chaotic and messy, but you know what, if your kids feel loved and are fed and looked after, you are doing an amazing job.

I tend to tell myself, "What is the worst and best that could happen?" You'll find that what actually happens is somewhere in the middle.

You think he's likely to think you've done this on purpose. What is likely to happen is that he may get angry and he may let off steam, because it's a scary proposition, another child after 4.

Think about what you and he can do to make it easier to look after all of the children, including the new arrival, financially and with help. Hand me downs budgeting, bulk cooking, any friends and family to help with care, Food Bank, extending the mortgage on the home or freezing payments, charities,etc. Really think about the nuts and bolts of how you will both manage with this new baby.

Then wait until it is a quiet moment, he's had dinner, the kids are in bed and it's ok to talk. And tell him. Tell him you weren't expecting this and you're scared. Tell him your plan for how you will both cope. And then listen to his response without interrupting and be there for him. He may blame you and ask for an abortion. Tell him you understand and if you could change things you would, but you can't. From what I've read, your heart isn't into having an abortion, so you need to explain this to him. But have a plan, so he knows it's not all in his shoulders financially.

My dad had a terrible temper, but from experience if he needed to know something it was always best to just tell him, let him rage and then he would calm down and figure things out.

And tell him that when he is ready, you need to discuss at another time what will happen to prevent another pregnancy.

What I can say is that the more support you give your hubby to feel the feelings and deal with the nuts and bolts reality of how you will all cope, the easier it will be all round.

But be brave and stick to your guns. This will test your relationship and your family, but despite the chaos and exhaustion you can do this hun. Get a plan sorted for making things easier financially/practically, think about your support network and how they can help and then bite the bullet and tell hubby. And if other people want to judge you, let them. That's their problem, not yours.

Good luck on your big, scary adventure, and remember you are already a good, experienced mum, you can do this.

Quercus · ‎22-02-2019

Hi Evie82 (and welcome to Chrismus too).

What is left to say after Chrismus' awesome post?! Absolutely agree with everything written.

Abortion or adoption are enormous decisions and ones you need to feel sure about. Your husband might be angry but the choice is not only his to make.

Im glad you are reaching out. No matter what you decide we are listening and care about you.

Nat

Alexlisa · ‎22-02-2019

Hello Evie,

This sounds like such a difficult situation. Reading your post made me concerned if you are worried about your safety. It sounds like telling your husband is a frightening prospect and you might need support through this.

Would you consider talking to someone who can support you with this kind of thing? If you call the Beyond Blue helpline (1300 224 636) they should be able to direct you to organisations that offer pregnancy counselling. They can help you decide what to do, especially if you’re feeling pressured into having an abortion. It’s not ok for anyone to make that decision for you.

There’s also 1800RESPECT which is the main phoneline for support regarding any type of domestic violence. If you have ANY worries about your safety (physically or emotionally) please just call them to have a chat. Your post makes me think maybe you should give them a call. Being bullied or accused of getting pregnant on purpose is not ok.

I was wondering if you are able to confide in a friend? Someone who can be there for you in person, who could give you some support through all this.

Please keep reaching out. There are services out there to help women in these type of situations. I don’t want you to have to go through this alone.

Take care

Alexlisa

Evie82 · ‎22-02-2019

Thank you so much for taking the time to read & reply. I'm blown away by the kindness of all your words... I still haven't spoken to hubby- I've been to the Dr & had the pregnancy confirmed by a blood test. I'm stuck between 2 impossible choices. I'm so grateful for this site, to be able to share this has been really helpful. I guess I am frightened by the thought of telling my husband. To be blunt he can be cruel & I know his reaction will be explosive & I suppose I'm just getting thru the days thinking whilst he doesn't know I'm silently protecting this little bean.... I'm ashamed to admit but secretly hoping I will miscarry & then it'll be out of my hands.... Isn't that horrendous?? Sigh....

Alexlisa · ‎22-02-2019

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing your best in an overwhelming and frightening situation. I’m glad you’re finding it helpful here but it sounds like you need some support from people trained in the issues you’re dealing with.

I know what it’s like to be with such an unpredictable partner. We’re not together anymore. I wish that someone had told me that there was help out there and that my situation was ‘bad enough’ that it would have been ok to ask for help. I always thought “but people have it worse” and maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve support. I think it’s important you talk to someone with training.

I mentioned 1800RESPECT, which has 24hour live chat and helpline.

And I had a quick look and there’s a pregnancy counselling service 1300RESPECT which is a 24hour helpline.

I know it’s hard. It’s ok to ask for help and you don’t need to wait until after things become a crisis. It’s ok to ask for guidance as precaution and just to have people around to stand by you.

I hope this helps a little. I can hear how tough and complicated it is and I’m worried that I don’t know how to help you more. Take care.

Evie82 · ‎28-02-2019

Thank you Alexlisa.
I'm going to call the pregnancy counselling helpline. I have told my husband & his reaction was what I expected initially. Now we just don't speak about it at all. I think he thinks I'll just sort out a termination. But I just can't decide what to do. I think about it constantly. I sway back and forth all day and night. I have allowed myself to imagine life with another baby & then I think I'm stupid to even let myself consider it. I know my husband will be nasty and unsupportive so I feel like I'm risking my current children's happiness and home life. But then the thought of ending this little life inside me seems cruel and unfair. I don't know how I will ever decide. I don't think I'm capable. I'm not overly religious but I'm worried if I abort that if there is a God I'm off to hell. Or that it'll bring me bad karma in my life. Both choices are wrong for me. I hate myself for being in this situation & wish I could just not be pregnant so I wouldn't have to face this. I'm scared I'll probably just end up giving up and letting him "win" And I'll just have to stuck it up and suffer emotionally in silence. Why am I so incapable of knowing what to do??? I have never had such a decision on my shoulder's & I have nobody to share with. Any suggestions are welcome. Let me have it, what should I do?

Quercus · ‎28-02-2019

Hi Evie82,

I'm sorry to hear your husband reacted as you had expected.

One thing I am constantly grateful for is that my Mum's biological family chose adoption rather than abortion. It is strange for me to say that because adoption has caused a lot of hurt in my family but it is another option.

There are so many people out there who desperately want a baby and cannot concieve. My adoptive grandparents had had 10 miscarriages and they were so thankful for the chance to have children.

If you feel abortion is not the right choice for you and keeping bub isn't an option perhaps this is worth considering.