Narcissistic Never-Endings

[Cornstarch]

V17 Post away, it seems you have some pondering to do.

[V17]

Please forgive me Corny, I really didn't know how to respond to your post - I kinda froze. I'm sorry for that. Anger and I are like oil and water at the moment, we just can't mix it seems. I'm so glad Pipsy replied. V.

[Cornstarch]

So true Lynda, thanks heaps.

I wish my anger flowed naturally but even organic reactions to a crime committed against me feel loaded at times.

Dad projected his own childhood Domestic Violence onto the next generation, he made me feel that anger = evil, therefore expressing it feels clunky and slightly absurd. There is nothing more terrifying for a DV victim than turning into the perpetrator themselves. That is annihilation in our world.

He used to call me evil in fact, a worthless piece of you know what and then the floggings you never forgot finished off the evening. Because I was raised in White Bread Middle Class Australia it took until I was 16 for the neighbors to call Docs. I'll never forget the feeling of answering the phone? I felt like saying "what took you so long!" I'm trying to remain positive with Rosie Batty's advocacy but the cynic in me wonders if it will ever change.

It never ceases to amaze me who turns a blind eye so as to 'not make a fuss or get involved'! Please.

Youve done amazing this year to pull in the drinking, My idea of numbness is an island. I have days that I call my Kingsford Smith days. As in the airport. Thats when I eye off my passport and think to myself where will I get a one way ticket to today? And NEVER come back

😜

[Cornstarch]

Seriously V you never have to fret about replying on here.

You're in charge now.

You don't owe anyone anything. And if an imbecile makes out as though you do, just get rid them.

Plain and simple.

Boofs be gone

xx

[pipsy]

Hi Corny. Your dad must have been raised in a similar fashion to mine. My paternal g'father was a strict disciplinarian. I never really knew him, he died when I was about 6 or 7, I think. He was a firm believer in 'kids should be seen, but never heard'. I remember my aunts used to say they were terrified of him. My paternal g'mother was the sweetest, kindest, most gentle woman I have ever known. She used to make sure the kids were fed, and put to bed early so her and g'dad would not be interrupted. My dad had a identical twin brother who was killed in front of him. Dad was not allowed to mourn as this was considered 'weak and sissy' to his father. Even nana had to mourn privately. My dad also lost his first wife in childbirth (twins) who were stillborn, so between that, his own twins death (they were about 7, I believe). Then the war and he lost many mates. The fact that he had to 'box on' meant his grief was also 'boxed'. He became an alcoholic to escape the memories. The PTSD caused the anger, put downs, as he has been put down. For years growing up, I hated him for what he did to us. I managed to put a 'family tree' together and discovered more about dad. I actually sympathize with the 'lost soul' he became. I also totally understand the PTSD he suffered. Mine is as a result of his treatment, plus the sexual abuse I suffered, which I know for a fact, he was unaware of. I do have problems to this day with anyone yelling, or threatening violence. We have a worker who has anger issues, plus severe depression, also has violent tendencies. She is in total denial of this, however, she is extremely unstable and raises her voice frequently (which is already loud). I cannot be in the same room with her as I shake and become tongue-tied. My co-workers are aware of my PTSD and shield me from her. If PTSD is recognized and accepted as a real illness, people who have it wouldn't feel so isolated and alone. I don't feel quite so isolated now, but for years I suffered in silence due to lack of knowledge. These forums are so beneficial for anyone with mental health issues as we offer continuing support and no judgement.

[Cornstarch]

Oh gosh Lynda, you have certainly got 'complex PTSD' through and through. I start shaking when people raise their voices and yell too, and cannot cope with angry volatility. You're not a freak, you're nervous system was built on quick sand. It is horrible, I totally get the ghosts of domestic violence rearing their ugly head years and years after. And yes! completely agree with what you said that it is not recognised as a legitimate diagnosis in a civilian population. If you Google it or do many types of searches it will always refer to war or emergency services, not just ordinary women in the suburbs.

You're family has gone through SO much my goodness you could write the book and it would sell! For me when trauma is interpersonal it makes even the most everyday interactions such as work so much more difficult. People are our trigger. Not bombs, not back firing cars not tsunami's, but people. People label us weak, but I think it's a miracle we're still here! My anxiety is through the roof today because of a human being. A women from my past that really hurt me has become visible again. I was so proud of myself with how I dealt with it in the end because as you know, child abuse victims are lousy with boundaries and we give too much of ourselves. We had an intense physical connection when she was on a break with her psychopath partner that I thought was going in the direction that intense connections generally go. But no, she ran back to the money and the pretty house. It freaked her out. Down the track she told me that it made her realise that she was not satisfied and what was missing in her relationship. I was so proud when she came crawling back again and then finally again once they broke up and I gave her the bird and said, "how dare you toy with my feelings. You can't just take me down off the shelf when it suits your mood, get out of my life and never contact me again". So she didn't. I blocked and deleted everything. But my email address is easy and hasn't changed.

It is just a constant test of juggling trauma in human relationships.

I am so happy your co-workes are sympathetic and shield you Lynda. That is really cool. Not all work places are sympathetic. I was on a non-ongoing contract at work, there were redundancies and massive budget cuts so I am out of work. I am really anxious about navigating it again after my nervous breakdown. I was stronger back when I was applying for work. I don't feel strong right now xx

[Cornstarch]

I replied to you V but alas no.

Seriously girl, do not worry.

There is no pressure here.

You have all the pressure in the world out there, and more some.

I've made it this far!

It is just terrifying how this personality style is rife.

You have every right to be angry V, unfortunately anger is a natural part of loss. It isn't easy to navigate though. I hope you and your son are OK x

[V17]

Cornstarch said:

It is just terrifying how this personality style is rife.

This is just exactly it! Oh my gosh, you hit the nail on the head!

Now that I have identified with it, I see it in my family even a particular close friend. It feels so stifling.

I've chosen to go back to AA. I reached out yesterday - glad, but a little apprehensive.

I'm really struggling today.

[Cornstarch]

You're doing so great V going back to AA.

It would be so easy to drink yourself into oblivion with being on the anxiety spectrum. Try and not shame yourself. I know it's easy for me to say that.

I'm not holier than thou the only reason that I have a pretty good hand break with that is because my father drank himself into oblivion for the last 9 months of his life. He'd never been an alcoholic before that. Ever. I have only found this out recently from Mum. But look what happened to him. Gives a daughter a pretty drastic example of where I will end up.

The problem with drinking and trauma is that the bodily feeling is so great and such a temporary reprieve from anxiety. It's not so much a mental or emotional release but how it actually feels to be intoxicated is what people like. There is a quote in Bessel van der Kolk's book about that, I can't remember now, but it pretty much says that the problem with addiction or dependency is that people enjoy how it feels in their bodies. Hyper-arousal be gone for a few hours we say, but for me I pay the next day! Boy do I pay!

I remember being wasted by the fire in the cold of winter in the first year after he'd passed, thinking to myself, man, this could so easily become an every night thing and that would hurt my family yet again.

I'm not better than you. I'm just responding to personal tragedy.

Good luck. And no matter what happens you are doing great, no judgment here xxx