Hi Chocoloni, welcome
I certainly disagree about more men being narcassists. From a guys viewpoint we likely feel the same about some women.
You have a point though, how many female tyrants have there been in the world, leaders of countries that were war mongers? None I can think of. Many men though. Even Thatcher wasn't aggressive, just defensive of British land - the Falklands.
Google "waif,queen,witch,hermit" and you'll read about agreesive people, male and female.
But you are being tough on yourself, we cant predict the future with partners. I didn't predict the cruelty/abusiveness of my first wife, I couldn't predict the effect alcohol had on my second partner and her nastiness to my daughters and so on. Thankfully I found a gem in my second wife now...married 5 years and its wonderful.
Keep going ahead to find a gem to. And you cant compare other men like the one you just got rid of.
An old man once told me...when I was upset about my split with my first wife as I missed my kids "Don't ever go backwards Tony"
It was good advice.
I'm not so sure about that Pipsy. I have been out with a guy almost 10 years ago who was a narcissist, there were many red flags with him...although this current guy was totally different. To say 'they know what to say and how to act' how else would I fall for him? A lot of men will woo a woman to get him interested in her, yet some men have a much more realistic approach. So you're saying if there's some kindof fairytale romance stuff in the beginning then to not believe it? That's how you spot a narcissist?
I dont really believe that women are the more lethal narcissists, they're both equally lethal. I just think narcissism in men is more accepted in society. Women can also be violent against men, men can be sensitive and emotionally manipulative as much as women.
Please do not tell me not to scare off the next man I meet.
Dear chociloni. Sorry if I offended you when I said about not scaring off the next guy you meet. All I meant was, when you've been really hurt in a relationship, sometimes it makes you that guarded, it takes a while for the 'defense barriers' to drop. When you're in the process of starting a new relationship, and you've been let down in a previous one, you sometimes unintentionally look for the same faults in the new partner. A narcissist can come across as charming, sensitive, kind (almost to a fault). Once you've 'fallen' for the person, the lies and deceit start, but it's so subtle, you find yourself questioning your own sanity. A narcissist will often seemingly innocently flirt with your best friend. You question your friend who quite often thinks they've fallen for your partner because your partner was soooo charming. You then question your partner who tells you blatantly, it's 'all in your head'. Because you desperately want to believe both your friend and your partner, you then try and turn a blind eye. By the time it's obvious, you're left wondering how it happened, how could you have been so blind. Narcissists are verbally abusive (behind closed doors), to the outside world, they're charming, would appear to be doing everything for the relationship. They're seldom physically violent, unless trapped. They can't be seen to be physically abusive, they must be seen to be above and beyond reproach. Power is their God (if you like). Their power is attained by their ability to put down their partner, while seemingly 'helping' their partner. They put you down so subtly, even your so-called friends will find themselves agreeing with your partner. They'll tell the world you're sick, unable to distinguish right from wrong, unable to function.
They will never admit to having any problems, that's not in their vocabulary to admit that they could be wrong. It's everyone else who has the problem. I've dealt with so many, both family and so-called friends. Whether you like it or not, it does make you wary of forming relationships until you're sure of the person.
Hi Pipsy and I understand that you are being very supportive to Chocoloni and you have it spot on but please be careful here Pipsy
You mentioned and I quote " when a man sometimes use physical violence"....I never have...ever. I have been bashed by a 48kilo girlfriend....I am 90kilos. I would never use physical violence against a female.Your advice is solid, supportive and spoken from the heart but please be careful Pipsy
The physical violence unfortunately applies to the females being perpetrators as well. I know many males that never report physical abuse from a female.
I do however support the bulk of your input which is positive and correct. Its a very sensitive post to respond as well as you have. Please give some extra thought next time you post
Hi blondguy. Sorry if I upset you with my comment about some men being physically violent. Physical violence comes from both sex's I agree. With narcissist's, physical violence is always a last resort. It's true women do lash out more frequently than men, but, unfortunately, for some reason men seem to leave more prominent bruising. My ex shows no bruising ever. I never hit him, he never hit me. Like you we didn't believe in physical violence. He would put me down, although he wasn't narcissistic in the true sense. We just got married basically for the wrong reasons. Knifing someone would leave scarring, which will fade, in time. The emotional healing, however, will take longer. My heart goes out to you. Narcissist's leave emotional scarring, both men and women can be emotionally damaged more so because they take longer to heal than physical scarring. I'm sorry you were attacked so violently, can I ask did your gf used emotion as well or was it straight out physical? If she was straight out physically violent and you're no longer with her, I'm pleased you were able to get away. If she used emotion as well, that will take longer, because you now have to rebuild your feelings of self worth. That's where the verbal violence is worse because with physical, as I said, a broken arm, busted nose, scarring, these wound heal. Verbal abuse takes longer, because it undermines you as a person. To be told constantly, that your partner has your best interests at heart when they're 'putting you down', you become so confused, you start believing how stupid, unattractive you are. Then you meet someone who tells you, you're beautiful, smart, clever, you don't believe them, you question them and ultimately drive them away. The verbal abuse and put downs are always behind closed doors. When the narcissist is questioned, they turn it on you i.e, I was only trying to help, my partner took it the wrong way, I would never do anything to hurt them. They never see what they're doing is abusive.
Again - I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.
I have read and re-read your 2 posts above, and I have come to the conclusion that you have described my husband to a T. Including the bit about narcissists rarely resorting to physical violence. Everything that you say above is what has happened in our relationship. You could be writing the script of my life.
Chocoloni and blondguy, I do not think that Pipsy is implying in any way that men are the only perpetrators of physical violence. I did not get that impression at all. But I think it is an accepted fact that Men by nature are the more physical in general, and if it comes to violence then men are more likely to be so. Women tend to be more conniving and backstabbing creatures. As Pipsy says, narcissistic women are more likely to resort to emotional rather than physical methods.
Chocoloni - It sounds like you are well rid of this guy. Of course you are feeling flattened, the breakup of any relationship is always hard. Why would you fall for such a man? I dont know, and yet I did the same thing. I just hope that for you, lightening does not strike twice. But dont stop living a full and happy life just because of the hurt this guy has caused you. The old adage of 'once bitten, twice shy' probably applys here, but try not to let it cloud your impressions of other suitable guys. Not everyone is a narcissist! Remain positive.