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My partner wants sex all the time and I have lost interest

Community Member

So here goes... my partner is always hinting sex to me and I seem to get really annoyed and make excuses -  "we haven't had sex for ages can we do it later?".... many more that he brings up with me. Since having our baby girl, she's 17months I'm just going to say to straight out... I can't be bothered having sex. I know it sounds to selfish but I really can't. Yes I've put on some weight since having her and emotionally I get depressed a lot. But dealing with the stresses of life and looking after our daughter the last thing I want is sex.

I've tried to google things like "why don't I want sex anymore?" Or looking at it from my partners side "why doesn't my wife want me sexually?"

We've been together for almost 7 years, engaged, and went through Ivf for our baby girl.

Is there something wrong with me? Is it normal to go through a lull like this at this point in our relationship?

There is a lot more to our situation that would take me a day to write down but this is something that is really playing a big part. He keeps saying that sex is important to him in a relationship. It is to me too... any comments to help me through this or help him understand or anything?!?!? Will be appreciated

I read a comment on a thread this morning with a quote "men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex".

2 Replies 2

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi mylittleprofile and welcome to the BB forums.

Sex drive runs differently for people. I was wondering if you have recently been stressed or had depression? (refer to the top tabs under 'the facts' to the 'k10 checklist' for a self test, note conformation needs to be done by a gp). Low mood and stress reduces stress drive and it is completely normal. It can be frustrating for a relationship because one person wants sex and another doesn't. Have you discussed this openly with your partner? Open communication and letting them know how you feel can help give them some perceptive on why you feel the way you feel and you can work thought it together. Of what I've read and dealt with you need to deal with your moods and feelings before you can get your sex drive back to what it was previously. I suggest discussing this with your GP or if you have one your counsellor/therapist. This happens to more people than you think.

I also think that 'men need sex to fee loved and women need to feel loved to have sex' does hold some truth in it. I know some people who wait till marriage to have sex and the male feels loved just as much before, but maybe on a more deeper level after sex. Sex shouldn't be the only thing that makes a man feel loved for his partner, but for some it does help. Maybe do some of the smaller things like going on a dinner date (with bub with a baby sitter or grandparent), make breakfast in bed, surprise him with his favourite meal. You can show love in different ways too. I think if you open up to your partner and let them know how you are feeling then it will help them understand and you can work though it together as a team. It sounds like you are a good team. You have a beautiful baby girl through IVF (which I'm guessing IVF was stressful). I'm sure he will be more understanding than you think


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi MyLittleProfile,

Congratulations on the newest member of your family, even if it's 17 months late 😊. Having a baby equals enormous changes to your relationship which I think is something people don't talk about much unfortunately. You're definately not alone in struggling to find energy and interest for sex with a baby in the mix.

Ms Purple was spot on about depression, time for a chat with your GP just to rule out a medical issue which is affecting your libido. Also if you've been experiencing pain during sex after bub that would be worth talking about too.

But there are a few other points that came to mind for me...

You said...

He keeps saying that sex is important to him in a relationship.

That to me sounds like he's honestly struggling too and is trying to tell you this is a serious problem for him. However... nagging for sex is such a turn off don't you think?

When our first baby arrived I wanted to say "Maybe if you made an effort to remind me you find me sexy and desirable and interesting I'd want sex but to be honest I've just spent the day meeting the needs of our screaming baby and cleaning and now you want me to meet your needs and I feel exhausted and seriously unsexy right now and I just want you to take charge, consider MY needs and make ME feel good for a change".

Eventually he worked out that helping me out and pampering me a bit (oh my lord men who cook dinner and change nappies and hang out washing are HOT) and most of all flirting and reminding me that regardless of the new addition to our family we were still "us" and he still loved me and that he found me attractive (regardless of the baby changes) worked a hell of a lot better than nagging me.

Oh! And he worked out that giving me time to have a long hot shower and wash the baby sick out of my hair and get out of my pjs immediately made the difference between sex? HELL NO! and sex? I'm tired but make it worth my while and I'm in.

Hmmm maybe print out my post and conveniently leave it somewhere for him to read?

Seriously though you're doing a great job. Being a mum is exhausting and some of the changes like loss of independence and freedom are really hard to adapt to I found. Time to have a proper honest discussion with him about why you don't feel sexy anymore and what he can do to help you change this.

Hope to talk more to you. Take care 😊