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My Partner shuts me out whenever he feels low about himself.

Community Member

I've been with my partner for almost a year now, in a nutshell our relationships is really good, we spend a lot of time together, we have fun, we're chill and easy going and all in all its good, we've had communication issues before but we both agreed to try to be better, we don't have any arguments, any disagreements we have we sit and talk through it, we don't raise our voices at each other, we just talk it out and we both love each other deeply.

In the year we've been together there have been 3 instances where he has shut me out. The first time I had told him something that I found out about myself and he freaked out and needed time and space away from me, the second he felt bad about himself, he didn't understand how i could love a person like him and he shut me out and needed space and then there is this time. When he gets to a certain point he tends to want to run, break up, because he thinks I deserve better and it hurts me because it feels like for him its easier to just leave than to want to be better, then to want more, it's easier for him to be alone so that's what he keeps falling back to.

This 3rd instance is worst, he feels horrible about himself and disappointed of what he had done and the look on his face the next day was of utter defeat and he thinks its better if we break up, I don't want him to dig himself into a hole and stay there because it's better to be alone and his done it all his life, I'm his partner and I want to stand by him and work through things with him, but he won't let me in, he keeps shutting me out as if any decisions or emotions he has only affect him and only his wishes needs to be respected and not mine.

I don't know what to do or how much time he needs, he says he needs to think things through but I worry if given to much time the negative thoughts his having will fester and grow into something much worst, and all of this is very difficult for me, I can't manage to do anything my heart feels heavy.

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Dear fireheartt..

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums...

Is it possible to sit down and talk to your partner about your fears and concern about how he is reacting at times by wanting to be alone..The being alone is a very common symptom of being depressed as well as him putting himself down...Do you think that he might be struggling with depression?

You sound like a very beautiful loving and caring partner, who wants the best for him....I think keep reassuring him that you love him and will always be their for him..and I know it’s hard to do letting him have some space...if he has depression and he’s been doing this most of his life...wanting to be alone to sort things out..It could be the only way he knows to work out things...

If he does have depression...professional help will help him understand himself and start on his way to mental wellness....Maybe have a gentle talk to him about reaching out to his Dr..and talking to the Dr about how he is feeling about himself and his thoughts and fears...If he is hesitant like most depressed people are..you could let him know that you will go with him..if it will help him feel more calm..

I am sorry that you are both going through these things..Please fireheartt...I can hear through your words that you are tired and exhausted and have a heavy heart...it’s so very important to also take good care for you..

Talk here anytime your feeling up to..I’m so sorry that it’s taken a number of days to get a reply..we are all here for you..with our care and support...

My kindest and most caring thoughts..dear fireheartt.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey fireheartt,

I am really sorry to hear about what you are experiencing right now. It is obvious that you care so much for your partner. It sounds like your relationship has strong foundations and that what you have together is really meaningful and valuable. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be when he does not let you in and let you support him. But it is difficult to get someone to engage with you and let you help them when they do not want or accept that help and when they insist on being alone, I can understand what you are saying - this would feel horrible. Do you think he may be receptive to it if you try to sit down with him and talk to him about your concerns once he has had a bit of time to decompress? Or you could write him something if you think he might respond to that a bit better. I am really sorry that things feel so difficult right now and that you feel your wishes aren't really being seen by him.

We are here to listen if and when you feel up to talking more. Take care.