my new life in australia not so good

[Zaraaboo]

hi all

MY husband and I have been together nearly 30 yrs , give or take a few!

14 yrs ago my husband decided to move to Australia to be with his family, I decided to stop in uk where my family are and my daughter ( at the time she was 13 and my husband is not her father) so we decided to separate really heart breaking for both of us.

We both came and went over the years visiting each other and just both couldn't move on.

Then in 2007 I found out I had cancer of the cervic and decided life was to short and moved out (2008)with my husband ( my daughter at that time was 21 and didn't want to come)as much as I tried to tempt her she was not having it!

After 2 and a half years here, life was not that brill, my daughter had my first grandchild and I decided to move back to uk, where I lived for a further 8yrs and 3 grandchildren by then, I got stuck with the children every weekend worked fulltime in an awful factory, my daughter draining me of money, I had drug dealers living next door to me and couldn't sell my property because of them, I got very depressed and went on antidepressants for 5 of them years.

To cut along story short my husband and I reunited, I eventually sold my property and moved back to oz, I have now been back 10 months with one holiday to uk at Christmas, in them years we were apart he has changed , smoking weed everyday drinking and at the pub everyday, lazy doesn't want to do much, just itching every morning to get to the pub, all he talks about to his mates is about weed and beer, selling bits of weed to friends, and this is this great life he promised me .

I have said things and asked him is this the new life you promised me! thing will be different this time he said! all I do is moan apparently! and that's what he does get over it! we have nothing in common at all and my feelings i had just don't seem to there, I walked away from my family daughter and grandchildren ( who were devastated btw) to this (promised new life and things will change) to nothing, I live in this beautiful country and all I can think is wish my family were here cos if they where I don't think I would be with my husband now.

I am getting more depressed by the day and don't know where to turn or what to do.

I don't

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Zaraaboo,

I feel how disappointed, trapped, lonely and frustrated you must be...also, I know it would be so hard to be as far away from your beautiful daughter and grandchildren as you are now. Missing loved ones can be very painful...

Your husband sounds like he has a lot of problems with alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately, sometimes when substances come into play, people become almost unrecognisable in their behaviour and “priorities.”

An ex of mine had a drug problem, and his drug use always came first... before me (and pretty much everything else in his life). I’m not saying your husband is anything like my ex, but what I’m trying to gently suggest is that drugs and alcohol can have a profound impact when it comes to a person’s behaviour and sense of priorities.

I’m not sure what to suggest to you, but I do think perhaps his drinking and drug use needs to be addressed. I wonder, when there’s a small window of him not being under the influence of anything, have you tried talking to him about how all this is affecting you and how you miss the person that didn’t used to be so reliant on substances?

I’m not sure if that would help much, and I know that it wouldn’t be an easy conversation at all. But I suppose it would be you putting it out there about how the alcohol and drugs is affecting you/your relationship with him.

I’m glad you’re opening up here. I know you’re going through a hard time. We are listening if you would like to talk some more...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Zaraaboo]

hi thanks for the reply

Yeh I have spoke to him about it and his reply is (well im not hurting anyone) my reply ( your hurting me) said he would cut down but its all I seem to see cracking a can rolling a joint and its in every rollie he makes, its 24, 7.

He hurt his arm last November and just gone back to work today the thing is his job is removals and might only have one job a week on, then some weeks none, but while he been off he has had two lads working for him and he has realised that he can earn money sat on his a**e, so now its like I don't need to go today lads can go I'm not bothered, this is really frustrating for me, so I told him he had to go out get a fulltime job or part time whatever just to keep him out of the pub, but oh no he happy sat on his a**e, like I say if I say anything, stop getting at me, stop whinging! myself I'm going out doing a job I don't like and fetching some money in, what I'm fetching in a week he spending in the tavern so doing a bit of gambling as well, so I'm now at the point I don't want to say anything cos its not helping, so I go quiet and that's not good cos I'm thinking more.

he said that's the way it is , so I think I will just have to get on with it or make a decision, I cant do it her on my own here to expensive .

or am I the one being selfish?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Zaraaboo,

You must be so exhausted, angry and frustrated. No, I don’t think you’re being “selfish.” I think you are understandably trying to keep him away from the alcohol, and encouraging him to be more financially responsible.

Unfortunately, I think that giving up drugs and alcohol has to come from him, and right now, I don’t think he’s at a place of wanting to give up either...

I feel for you...you have some tough decisions ahead of you. For now though, just from a purely practical perspective, I wonder if you might like to open your own savings/bank account.

Based on your comments, and maybe I’m wrong, it sounds like you have a joint account. So, I’m wondering if you could maybe open an account that he can’t access, and transfer some of your earnings there each pay day. That way, he can’t use up all your earnings. Just a little idea...

Kind and caring thoughts to you,

Pepper

[therising]

Hi Zaraaboo

My heart goes out to you whilst you face making the best possible choices for yourself.

Internal conflict can be an incredibly challenging state. It's like there's a battle going on in our head between what we have and what we want, who we are (in the moment) and who we want to be. This process can definitely be torturous.

As I say to folk, self-love involves being invested in our own evolution. Mutual love involves being invested in each other's evolution. If we're just going through the motions in a relationship, whether that involves the relationship with our self or another, there can be some frustration when things are simply not moving forward in an evolutionary way. I believe, at a soulful level, we're designed to evolve/progress. When progression ceases, we feel it on so many levels (mentally, physically and spiritually). With the spiritual aspect basically involving our connection to life, when nothing's moving forward we can be left feeling somewhat disconnected or lifeless.

Zaraaboo, what does positive evolution look like to you, if you were to delve into your imagination? What can you picture for yourself? What makes you smile? Have you considered moving back to the UK, or should I say have you considered moving forward to the UK?

Have you looked into budgeting in a way where you can afford to stay in Australia, separate from your husband? Is staying at all possible? Even if you consider a stepping stone type scenario. In the short term there may be a boarding house opportunity for example that would be cheaper than paying for a place on your own. You would still have your independence. If you consider what your budget looks like, how are you able to work possibilities into it? I can recall when, about 20 years ago or so, I was in tears at the thought of not being able to afford moving out from a place I shared with my boyfriend at the time. My mum was and still is an absolute legend with a budget. By the time she'd finished assessing my income and outgoings, she had me paying all the bills with a little left over cash to boot. I'm a 48yo married mum of 2 and still revert back to budgeting when things get tight. It provides a sense of control. Have you looked into whether you're entitled to any government assistance?

The only way to constructively end internal conflict involves making a commitment to one thought, as opposed to sticking with the ongoing battle between many. Easier said than done at times, I know.

Take care

[Zaraaboo]

To cut a long story short, I feel there is nothing left in our marriage , we have only made love once in the last 13 weeks, I know that's not everything but its something and we don't even have that as he as lost all his sex drive and I have a high sex drive, im so frustrated, we used to be like rabbits but now nothing , no communication nothing in common, I just feel lost.

now the money has cleared on the house in uk ,my husband is on about selling this house and building , its always been his dream! but I don't think that's what I want it would be lovely to have a nice new house as my husband is a bit old fashioned, but his lifestyle is never gunna change, so I will have to just learn to live with it or go home to my family , I asked him for yrs to give up what he had to come to uk so I could be nearer my grandchildren, but no its a better life in oz, so I gave it up , just wish my daughter would come here but she wont leave my mum and her husband wont leave his family, I cant believe I have put us all in this position again, I don't think I should of ever come back to oz, I don't want to hurt anyone especially my husband that's why im trying to hold on but life is passing me by whilst im here just exsisting, I know I sound so selfish living in this beautiful city , but sat in 4 walls and no where to go or go on your own is so lonely, and all i can think about is wish the kids where here, im so lonely and sad!

[sarinas]

Hi sweets, You should be around people who love you. And if those people are in the UK, you need to be there. Australia is a beautiful place, but you moved here because of someone but it's not going well, so it's not that you're selfish, it's just because of that rship.

I wish you all the best. In life we need to know who are the ones important. You mentioned you don't want to hurt your husband. It's important to know if he regards you with the same, or whether you're better off being back in UK.