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My husband turned out to be someone I didn’t even know

Community Member

I was with my ex partner for 8 years and we got married after 6. Only in December of last year did I find out he was having an affair with another woman that became out of control. He was stalking her and ended up with an intervention order. Feeling like my life was being ripped out from underneath me, I was terrified that I was going to lose everything I only ever knew (him). I stayed and tried to make it work... and after a few months realised his behaviours and promises meant nothing as I still found so many dating apps and explicit sexual messages on his phone from other women.

When i finally built up the courage to leave he couldn’t accept it. Begged and did anything he could to get my attention. Things like, threatening to throw my things out on the street ect ect. One night out with some friends, he had followed me there and began to send me abusive messages, thinking I was with another partner. He ended up smashing my car and leaving me an abundance of abusive messages. The police were called and long story short he is now in remand waiting his trial as he has charges from the previous woman and now myself of stalking and damaging property. He is having his court case tomorrow and finds out whether he is released or sentenced further time (has already been remanded for 4 months since it all happened). I’m trying to process all my feelings and mindset of it he comes out... hopefully will leave me alone but just the stress and anxiety of this person who was once my husband who I would’ve done anything for... to this stranger who did a complete 360 on me.

I’ve been doing my best to move on and live life but there’s moments of guilt that catch me and I almost feel bad for everything that’s happened to him. I know I need to stop feeling the guilt as these were his choices but this was once someone I loved and it’s so hard.

5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

It is hard, one of the hardest challenges to overcome really, to accept- accept it wasnt you, not your fault, his fault.

We often think about what could have been. All our dreams gone, we want to hang onto them but in reality he severed yours. To accept him back is like defying gravity.

To let your head rule your heart you must move on. In some people they only move on when a love interest comes along. So - keep busy and I mean real busy, date people, visit friends, laugh, inspire yourself.

of course I've been there, 3 times. Each relationship over 7 years long. After that last one I moved to the hills never to date again then my best friend, a lovely lady, came for vegetable soup one night. There must have been something in that soup. Now remarried, we are soul mates.

Repair your heart and run with the wind...


Thank you Tony! This is exactly what I needed to read.

I have my moments of weakness where I feel the guilt and then like you said... my head needs to rule my heart. I have met someone special who is the most understanding and generous soul.

Im so happy you have your soul mate ❤️!!

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Oasis21~

I'd like to join Tony in welcoming you here.

When one falls in love it is the start of a time of discovery, finding out more and more of the person you are with, and they about you. Normally it is a time of delight, and small faults are overridden by their care and their strenghts.

Sadly the person you married has eventually shown his true character, and when things have not gone his way he has resorted to false pleadings, threats and abuse -plus violence. I'm afraid he is someone who seems to regard his own will as being the most imortant thing and regards women, not just you, as lesser beings just there for him.

I'm very glad you found the courage to leave, that is in fact something quite exceptional and speaks volumes of your strenght and determination -as well as the ability to see things as they are. You in effect gave him a chance by not wanting to leave, and that was ignored.

One of the unfortunate things about good people is they take on undeserved guilt, it is sort of built-in. There is nothing to reproach yourself for, and I'm sure the logical half of you agrees, it is the emotional side that presents difficulties.

May I suggest you get help from experts?

If you ring 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) they are used to these abusive relationsips and can advise you, maybe arrange for counseling so you feel more at ease wiht your entirely correct decision to leave.

Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) have a post-separation service you might find helpful too.

In your present location are there others to help look after you? Trying to deal with all this on your own is terrible hard. I'd also consider, as a practical matter, if you needed to move & change your contact details in case he decided to annoy you some more if he is released.

I'm not being alarmist here, but it can happen.

You are right, he is a stranger, one who wore a mask. He is also a fool, throwing away love, which is so precious.

Please let us know how you get on


Community Member

Croix, thank you so much for your kind words and services offered.

i am so lucky to have an amazing support system around me and have changed contact details also to avoid the rubbish (which I hope doesn’t happen) once he is out.

How can these cruel people exist in the world and take such advantage of people who offer nothing but love?

My head knows the right and wrong and my heart does most days too... there’s just those odd moments that catch me where I think... have I stuffed up his whole life because of his current situation? He will permanently have a record ect ect... but this is where I need to remind myself that I was not responsible for the actions this grown man had chosen. Seems to be built into his DNA to react and take things so far.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Oasis21

Some people simply self-centered and without care or empathy -a sad fact of life. You have nothing you could have done to change that. It may take time, or new facets in your life, but those moments of doubt will fade -as the should.

I'm glad you have changed contact details. If there were to be any unpleasantness- which is unlikely, please keep a detailed record including particulars of others who where there.