My husband says that his depression is my fault

[J3]

3 Years ago I had to have a serious operation with 2 months of recuperation. I had lost my job of 12 years and thought this was the best time to have it. But finding a job wasn't easy as I live in a small town and lost count of the many that I applied for. My husband started to resent me and accused me of just being slack. ( I have now been studying to retrain for the past year) I felt bad as he was working really hard to pay the bills and our mortgage and I could see he was getting depressed and was cranky all the time. He wanted to travel to the the UK to see his family for xmas but without me working he couldn't afford (his words). I have a casual job at the moment but he just seems more and more distant from me. On weekends he likes to spend all his time with his mates at the local club and have been told I am not welcome. He is now withdrawing himself from my family and refuses to attend any family functions, he has always had a very good relationship with them all. I finally decided to have "the conversation" with him. He knows he's depressed but the problem is he's a mans man and I can't see him asking for help. He has also become impotent which I'm sure is making things worse and he is drinking way too much. I'm desperate to get him some help. We have been married nearly 30 years and love him more that ever. He thinks I should just leave him to become a lonely only man but I never will. I am now suffering anxiety and feel sick with worry until he is home each day wondering if he is going to leave me.Help

[bindi-QLD]

That sounds so awful, hugs to you.

To be honest J3, the worst of your husband's behaviour sounds mostly like detachment, perhaps caused by alcohol and depression, and its likely what causing your feelings of fear and helplessness.

Waiting for the hammer to fall is such a stressful feeling to live with day in day out. It was good that you worked up to discussing things with him. Maybe if he's depressed, you can at least work on connecting together better. It builds up trust, and eases your fear of being abandoned. Sometimes all you need to is just start really talking again, and doing things together instead of apart. You might need to ask him to remember to ask how you doing and to compliment you more. Just little things like that?

[demonblaster]

Welcome J3 & Bindi 🙂

J3 ouch, rough trot, hope you've recovered well from op

I was thinking along the same lines as Bindi, alcohol can fuel up situations, although it's a temporary reprieve of pain it's also a depressant they're saying.

mmm sounds like getting him help's going to be very difficult, although without it, it's easy to sink lower and with the drinking & that he's withdrawing, does sound like he's in need of professional help sooner than later. I suggest keep at it but not too often.
Does he know how this is making you feel? You clearly love him for good reasons otherwise I doubt you would so much, but how much can you take.

Great you talked with him & he's aware he's depressed that's a start at least.

I don't know but possibly his impotence could improve if he gets help to work through the depression & too much alcohol can cause that too, short term, not sure about long term

Hubby may feel it's being weak getting help but there's a point when it's the better option, in fact opposite imo, takes courage to reach out as you've done too 🙂 Sometimes it's easier talking to a stranger

Maybe a visit by yourself to your GP could be of some benefit for ideas to help him & yourself

This would be so painful for you, please feel free to talk as often as you feel like

Would like to hear how you go

tc 🙂

[geoff]

hi J3, I'm also very sorry that this situation has happened, and I believe your husband is in denial, hiding with the alcohol and being with his mates, so he will be good when he's with them or intoxicated at home, however when morning comes he would leave the house early, without telling you, and come home late.
I'm very sorry about the operation you had to have and know that it takes a long time to feel as though you are able to get back to work, but only in a casual way.
A man's man's is not easy to communicate with, and I'm not sure that he has told his mates how he feels, except to mention some imaginary person, supposedly one of his mates his exact conditions, waiting for comments from his real mates, but then try and laugh it all off.
If you're married for 30 years then he must have been seeing his doctor for a long time, ask his doctor to ring him for a checkup and that he has booked an appointment for next at 1pm, your husband's lunchtime, he might not even tell you, but hope that his doctor has made him realise that something needs to be attended to. Geoff.