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My Husband has been cheating on me since before our wedding

Community Member
About 5 weeks ago I found out my husband had a 4-5 year long affair. This affair commenced in the year we got married and has only just ended last year. There has also been a number of online flirtations and inappropriate conversations with various women, visits to prostitutes and happy ending massages. Our new baby was just 11 weeks old. I am really struggling with anxiety and depression from this and while I love my baby I feel like she is added stress I cannot deal with. I feel like my self worth is in the toilet. And like I am a terrible mother. My husband swears it was just easy access to sex and he loved and still loves me. He has some shitty childhood traumas and alot of this stems from that. I have been with this man for 17 years and I do love him. I want to make it work but I am so sad about the fact our whole marriage started on a lie. We are both seeing individual psychologists and a couples psychologist. I have never felt so lost, alone, ashamed, embarrassed and sad in my whole life. I do not know what to do
6 Replies 6

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi sad and confused it's not Ur fault

Someone once gave me the analogy of crossing a road at a green light, then a car comes speeding through...is it Ur fault...

He cheated, lied, manipulated, and made bad choices.

U deserve everything, a good and happy life, and his actions do not change that, or anything, of Ur value.

Thank you for your kind words 😊

Learn to Fly
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Sad&Confused,

A very warm welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through. No wonder you feel sad and confused after discovering such things. I can only imagine how much you are hurting and having a new baby is not helping. My heart goes to you. Do you have any family or close friend(s) support? Can someone help you with the baby sometimes so you could get at least some physical rest? It’s really good you have been seeing a psychologist already. She/he might help you to go through this awful experience and assure you that none of this has been your fault, that you have been a beautiful giver of love and care and you also deserve to be loved and cared for.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Oh sad&confused,

I’m so sorry your world has come crashing down, I just want to wrap you up in a big hug and tell you that you will be alright. And you will, but sometimes you have to go through the bad before you get to the other side. That must have been like a punch to the stomach to find out that it has been going on so long, and before you were married and then when you were at your most vulnerable after having a baby. And then the other incidents. I don’t blame you for feeling as though everything is too much. Babies demand a lot from you and you are just trying to keep your head above water at the moment and so it feels like just one more thing pulling you under. You need help and you need support. Can you have your baby minded at the moment, even professionally a day or two a week to allow you time to digest things? You are not a terrible mother, you have been absolutely blindsided and have been made to feel like garbage and it’s nothing that you’ve done. You are in the eye of the storm and all you have to do at the moment is survive, get through it. Don’t think about the future, don’t think about what you’re going to do, all that will become clearer to you in time. But just focus on the basics, eating, sleeping, showering. Some days you won’t manage those and that’s ok, but just be gentle with yourself in this time.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Sad&Confused, I am so sorry that this has happened, especially the year you were married that he believed it was OK to have an affair, certainly something you wouldn't allow because you marry for trust and dedication to each other and should be looking forward in making plans for your future.

It's hard to know whether or not he loves you because that's what he could be saying to this other person and now I'm sorry you are struggling, especially as you have a new baby, and although I'm not a doctor, PND could have been added to this disappointment and definitely is a great concern you are going through.

I am so pleased you are seeing a psychologist but wonder the excuses he has said to his psychologist because there should be no reason why this has happened just as you get married.

I realise you love him, just as you do for your daughter, however, how can you be sure he won't do the same once again, especially if the two of you have an argument, he needs to prove his trust and his faith in helping you all the way through this, so perhaps having a separation would be a test in his honesty.

We are here for you SC and want to be with you all the way.

My very Best.

Geoff. x

Hi sad and confused

Any time

I know it's hard but what I learnt from my own trauma is not to blame ourselves....

Ppl are smart in how they lie and convince us the sky isn't blue...

I'm really sorry u were lied to and Ur trust betrayed,

U didn't deserve it and the cheating is a choice he made, because he wanted to

U matter x