My husband has a short fuse and seems to blame me for everything

[Sam6003]

Hello,

I'm hoping someone has some advice for me.

My husband has a very short fuse, gets angry easily and seems to blame me for everything.

It's making me very depressed and somewhat anxious.

We have 3 young children and run a business. He can be very short and easily triggered by customers who may annoy him or do the wrong thing (in his eyes).

The last straw for me is today when he made a time to pick up a wardrobe an hour away, but it happened to be the same time I have an appointment (which I had made weeks in advance).

One of us need to stay at the business and can't be away at the same time. He did not check with me whether the time was OK before he arranged the pick up.

When I told him it coincided with my appointment, he got angry, blamed me for "always having things on" and told me that I should just make all my appointments on the one day. I don't always have things on, it's a total exaggeration.

We have a new house that we are trying to furnish and he told me that I'll just have a house without furniture now and I'll have to source everything and pick it up myself.

I feel this is a total overreaction, totally unfair. He always twists things around to be my fault, somehow and then he's just plain nasty. This is just one example of many of these situations.

I don't want my marriage to end, but he's had counselling over his anger and it never seems to do anything.

My friend said it sounds like he's gaslighting me, but I don't know if that's so. I am independent and capable of looking after myself and I don't feel it's effecting my self esteem, just making me upset and somewhat depressed and frustrated.

I don't want my marriage to end but I'm really at my wits end. We have a nearly 5 year old and 3 year old twins who would be devastated if we separated, not to mention having to work out what to do with our business.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Is there a better way for me to deal with these situations? He just becomes totally irrational and I just end up leaving him in peace as I can't deal with him at the time.

Thanks,

Sam.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sam

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for your story. I can relate to your frustration as my husband was similar in many ways. Not knowing your husband I cannot say why he acts in that fashion, but I can say what I think was my husband's problems. Perhaps some of this may apply to your situation.

My husband and his siblings was brought up by a dysfunctional mother who abused all of them. Once my husband became a teenager he decided to physically restrain his mother on one occasion and there was no more abuse. However, it left him with a determination that no other person, especially a woman, would tell him what to do etc. In a similar situation to yours with the appointment I can see he would have reacted in the same way as your husband. Thinking of the needs of others just did not come into the equation.

He was very good at making it all my fault, just like your husband, and sadly my children took his lead in believing I was rather useless. At least they did until they left home and encountered other people who dealt more reasonably with others. In the end I left. It seemed that when anything went wrong it was my fault and the ghost, as it were, of his mother appeared and he could take his frustration out on me as a substitute for his mom. How correct all this is I'm not sure, but this is how it appeared to me.

I tried to get him to go to marriage counselling but he said he had no problems and did not need it. You said your husband had anger counselling which has not been very successful. Did he go to a psychologist or psychiatrist? I think this would have helped him a great deal if he had stayed long enough to understand why he got angry and how to manage it. Unfortunately it does take time and I wonder if he simply became impatient and stopped.

Not sure if there is any help in my reply. I hope so. Perhaps your husband could try anger counselling again. It's good you can take care of yourself. I used to let my husband get on with it but in retrospect I think this gave him permission to continue this way and that by not doing anything about it I was agreeing he was right.

Mary

[paddyanne]

Hi Sam6003. He sounds as though he's almost burning the candle at both ends, being everywhere at once, then getting annoyed when things go 'pear-shaped'. You both have a lot on your plate, running a business, raising 3 young children etc. It's possible he genuinely forgot your appointment when he arranged to pick up the wardrobe. Forgetting appointments then lashing out rather than admit they forgot is something many people under pressure seem to do. My ex was similar, he too had a 'short fuse'. Some people have a need to prove they can go above and beyond. I've seen professional woman act similar. It's possible he could be attempting to 'gaslight' you, I can't comment without further knowledge. Gaslighting occurs when someone does something deliberately to hurt another person, then denies all knowledge. Is your husband acting this way all the time, or only when things seem to pile up and he can't see daylight? If possible, could you arrange through your family Dr to have some counselling for you? It definitely sounds as though both of you are worn out. Have you tried googling gaslighting to determine whether this is the case? If he is definitely trying to gaslight you, this is something else you need to think about, whether you can continue living like this. You have committed to a life together and have children, so you need to consider everything. I think the first thing you need to consider is counselling through a Dr. I doubt he will admit to trying to hurt you mentally, if he in fact is. Most people who do this, seldom actually admit, that's part of gaslighting. You can attend counseling alone, but your husband will have to be told you have regular appointments. Obviously he isn't in the habit of checking calendars, so is there another way of making sure he is aware you have somewhere else to go.

[white knight]

Hi Sam, welcome

I hope I can help as you seem desperate for answers to how to get through this period.

Blaming others, gaslighting and marriage split- have endured them all. Gaslighting really is more towards intentionally driving someone towards insanity by getting them to question their memory and decisions so much so they are debilitated. I don't think that is his intention. Blaming you for these events of dispute is more a reflection of things like stress. Lack of holidays, romantic dates alone with him and rewards for hard work if absent can find one or both of you sliding down that path. Add to that your biggest factor- working together.

I worked in a business with my ex partner. It created factors we never forecasted. Control issues, earning issues, time issues and family issues all combined to damage our relationship. Then the alcohol issues that grew with these stresses - the beginning of the end.

Men don't have a planning mind that can keep up with schedules without tools that will remind them in my experience. They are a "bull at a gate" to do one task at a time and do it fast (when in a business). So it doesn't surprise me that he wont remember an appointment especially if it wasn't made the previous day- the earlier the appointment the less chance of recalling it on the day. This is where tools like the alarm on his phone sounding at the end of business hours the previous day is gold. "appointment wife tomorrow". Better still an extra alarm 3 days prior. You can do this yourself as soon as the appointment is made with both phones. A wall planner is also good but he'd have to get into the habit of reading it. Alarms are better.

Separation of duties. It is clear his aggression is effecting the business. Utilise his best abilities and that might mean he stays away from customers as much as possible. Employ a part time employee for peak times?

Conflict. I have selected threads that will certainly help you.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pipe#qmy1OnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/man's-disease-thinking-more-than-one-thing-at-a-time#qgkH9nHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Mental health. We cannot diagnose but it would be good to have both of you visit your GP. Be open and honest there and express to your husband it isn't an attack on him but a situation whereby you want to try anything to seek harmony.

TonyWK