My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

gosh I felt so scattered when I was writing those posts! Thanks for sifting thru it

yes, so much of what you write is in line with my realisations.
I think the difficult convos bit is about being able to speak up, and out, in the moment, without choking. I literally could not speak for much of my session with GP. I can be so articulate in writing and about other things, but for me to SAY “ ouch, that hurts” is difficult. Takes me too long to even realise it’s what I want to say!

so there’s a level of relationship which is maintained, with parents esp, which is not deep or satisfying, but for the sake of family- T mostly- and my own mental health, could probably be improved upon. Not that I’m expecting anyone else to change at all. Except as my behaviour changes then they will react or adjust. Their choice.
but base line is, I’m not happy with how I’m navigating MY relationships.
H is a good test crash dummy. Yes he’s committed- big plus- and he isn’t as.... Deep...😆as me. So I need to nut out the simplest ways of doing things and resolving conflict, cos he needs it pretty easy. I can see my sis will be like this, if she ever comes to any table. Certainly no in depth convos or realisations of spiritual breakthroughs!
but she has a lot of unexpressed anger, even while she blames me for the conflict bt us. Which I find interesting!

it’s not quite to the level of being vulnerable with her. More about me not needing to suppress who I am, in difficult moments. Cos then I carry it home and mess up my own head. I’m done with that!

anyway, shall sharpen my skills on others first.
just becoming more comfortable with my emotions when I’m expressing something will help I think, as that is the foo block. No emotional expression was allowed or else I was ridiculed .

so my brain still seizes up with fright I think.
thanks Em, I’m really optimistic about working this thru with C.
H? He is at least talking about needing to work. Not just talk. Small steps. He didn’t cook the dinner btw. Just helped prep. Small steps lol 🙂

(He’s not quite projecting tho- unless it’s projecting a past situation on this one. Prev Gf’s were unfaithful and lying about it. Witnessing DV as a child doesn’t help. Paranoid thought tendencies poss from drug use)

thanks Em, I’m currently rewriting my concept of self worth! And looking at steps to improve it. I’m so glad you mentioned those books to me! So helpful!

hope your day is going well. Windy and rainy in patches here.

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Ok I think I "get" more of what's going on for you with your r/ships now.

Oh and I take the kudos BACK from H lol! Yah. NOPE. It's some thing I'll give it that lol.

OH again! So it's probably baggage of Hs not projection (thank God).
It's so easy (and a bit lazy I think) for ppl to say "all men this" and "all women that"... it's simply not true. Even if research shows a predominance of x to happen by men and y to happen with women.
There's still ALL those other ppl absent from "studies" and then specific human beings.

Clearly that's HIS stuff for sure, pity he takes it out on you tho.

As you describe situations with your family.... ahhh the memories of family gathering with ex demons fam came flooding back lol... the ole "pick your battles" saga in my books.
I MOSTLY kept schtum! Mainly to keep the peace! Or not add to the fire.
But then when there were VERY important things shared (in distress mostly) I would give support to the sad person who was disclosing with zero support.

But I found there's no changing family dynamics by ONE person.

I saw a suggestion on another thread for ppl who clam up in appts.
The BB member suggested the person WRITE their stuff out and if they couldn't read it to the professional person, then hand the whole letter to them.
Apparently this helped the poster immensely.

I put DOT POINTS next to the appt reminder in my actual phone Diary IF I know I need to share this or that.

There are important things I need to be an upstander for in gatherings; racism, cruelty to children, cruelty to animals.
I'm pretty quick tongues nowadays with highly critical things said to me but just don't have this issue much at all now demon et al are out of our lives.

If my kids are having a rant at me. I usually just let them. It's usually when they're feeling tired and or overwhelmed.
Then when they apologise or the next calm opportunity, I let them know certain things were taken on board by me OR untrue OR over exaggerated when they use comments like "you NEVER" or "you ALWAYS" lol. Catastrophising I call it.

Yep! Had a BLAST of a day! lol.
Friday tomorrow, yay!

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi.

Had my appt Friday. Ha lol. Poor woman didn't know what hit her. I think I let her speak a couple times in the hour. Just poured it all out there. Came home REALLY tired.

Still a bit tired. H wasn't great. Pestered me from the moment I walked in the door, despite me being very clear with him that I wasn't up for talking, and then today when there was an opportunity just didn't go there. Feeling very alone in this r/ship. But hey. Whats new!

Can't really order my thoughts very well.

Thanks for your support on these threads Em, you are such a lovely person.

I'm finding it hard to find time to get on the forums, and probably in a very introverted space, so expressing myself here feels like a struggle. And I feel so disappointed about H, and about the fact that nothing is ever going to change in my first families r/ships, and the Dr has diagnosed me with a touch of depression (no not really, she said mild to moderate), which I should have guessed has been around for awhile now.

Anyway, I might take a break for a bit. It's getting too hard to keep up with all the conversations when I'm not spending much time here.

I'm lonely. Real time lonely. I tried to talk to someone today about being depressed. It didn't go far. I need to ring my GF and have a chat, but she's so excited about a new relationship. I don't think she'll have the space for it just now.

There's been quite a lot of understandings breaking through this week. Maybe i just need to let them settle.

Ha, still swirling.

Night,

J*

[ecomama]

Oh J* I'm so sorry this is how you're feeling atm.

Please know you CAN just post on YOUR thread!

You don't have to keep up with everyone else's at all.

You give so much support to others IRL AND on the forums!
IT GETS HARD.

I hope you can get some really good radical self-care in there somewhere... be radical.

It's hard discussing feelings of depression with other ppl IRL.
We never quite know how somebody will react.

You must have REALLY needed to "get stuff out"! With your psych I mean.
That's great what you did!

Remember recently you were saying how you DIDN'T DO that?

Well now ya do.
Awesome.

Yes it is very exhausting, you have a lot to discuss about the sadness.

What was H pressuring you about?

I wish we could just sit and sew and chat.
I know you're feeling introspective atm, but I make a real mean cuppa, I'm telling you now lol.

All things in your good time J*, if you need a break from the forums, take it.

We'll miss your cheery, strong support!

Lots of love EM

[Jstar49]

😍😍😍😪😴🤪😵🥴🥴

Thanks Em, I shall try that

Love J*

[ecomama]

Lololol and a snortle lol.

IDK what you're going to try!

I'll just take those emojis as "radical self-care'! LOL!

Love ya lots
EM

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Wow yes, a chat an a cuppa while we sew sounds awesome! I'm sitting here having a black coffee before I pick T up from school. I'll pretend you're stitching your Scandi cross stitch. While I'm talking I'm messing around with scraps of coloured fabric, piecing them together. It's a bit distracting cos I have to keep jumping up and down- sewing machine, iron, table.. Keeps me fit lol!

Speaking of keeping me fit I got into the garden again today. Weeded some more pesky nut grass out. Chookies happily snapping up worms. Feel a tad guilty for the worms but......there's heaps there 🙂

You asked me about H and him hassling me. I guess it's just his curiousity. As soon as I got in the door after counselling and massage, tired, so tired! He wanted my attention, wanted to download his day to me and asked questions like "how did it go, what did she say" etc. I was too tired, the music was up loud, he had a few beers, it was Friday night- I escaped to my room. Gladly!

He followed. Pestered me a few times before I said, quite kindly, I just need some space on my own right now, I'm too tired to talk.

He didn't like it but he left me alone.

The next day when I did feel up to talking, he was pretty non- responsive. Not even like he was miffed, just, like he didn't care, really.

Anyway. That's why I'm seeing a counsellor instead of ta;lking to him. It's not helpful, he just gets upset or makes other comments which have the effect of shutting me down.

I'm practicing letting him sort himself out, not nagging or anything and not buying into some of his stuff. Just keeping on going with what I need to do.

I liked you describing my support as 'strong and cheery' here on the forums. It's nice!

One thing I am recognising and working on is a tendency to give myself a hard time- self flagellation! The nasty secretive side effect of a religious life.!! Not that I live a religious life, but rather, my mum. It's subtle, but there. Like many of us I guess.

Anyway, am practicing catching those thoughts and being kind to myself instead.

The tears continue to fall. Squeezing out of my eyes, flowing down my cheeks, and dripping onto my throat and heart, soothing me, healing me, blue balm of wetness.

How is evrything for you Em? Yvettes party must be creeping up. I'm so glad you've got the willing helpers to get stuff done. I always think there's nothing like a party for getting the house cleaned and spruced.

Love,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*, so nice to hear from you.

Ok, I kinda wondered whether your 'pestering' comment was H wanting to know about Counselling. He doesn't seem to understand that boundary. He really shouldn't ask about what your Counsellor said to you! That's my take on it anyway.

We share what we want to share.

If anyone tells me they've been to Counselling (IRL) then I ask "How did it go?", sometimes I've asked "Do you feel any better after that session?"
If they're shut down then all good!
If they wanted to share something then all good!

It's funny you mentioned "downloading" Hs day.
Is it similar to this?
If H talks about it then you show empathy and understanding. Maybe a bit of mirroring and validation.
Then if you share your day, he tries to fix it or gets ... umm... IDK a bit "hurt"?...if you don't jump and say "OH YES what a great idea! I never thought of that!" blah blah blah lol.
Then if you keep saying "Oh I know, I tried that" or some such then he gets angry?

I think I'll call that scenario "The Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome" LOL!

Just comparing notes.

Oh GLAD to hear you got into the garden! Booyah!
I did too today but woah pretty sore from doing all that in the "correct" stance and walking "correctly" etc now.
Yeah I feel guilty about my chickens eating the worms, they LOVE following me around to eat them!
But I try to think that's their natural food.
My chickens ate alot of worms today too from the drain catching water, leaves etc in front of the garage.

Hugs about all your tears J*. I felt sad about you crying without anyone to share with. You know we're always here to write it all out! I wish I was your friend IRL, I'd listen. 😔
Then iron your stuff in the sewing room, I love ironing material ready to sew, it's pretty exciting.

Hugs. Crying's supposed to be healing. At a few very sad periods in my life, I cried so much, I was afraid I'd NEVER stop crying. Gosh those times were tough.

I want this time to pass for you.
But I also want you to enjoy every moment with T and your garden. Maybe even time with H who's woken up to himself lol.
Just enjoy LIFE.

Though during these times we really need alone time. We need to cry and in a family situation doing this is difficult!

Yes things are coming along for the party. More on my thread if I stay awake that long!

Lots of love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Oh yes, I cry on the way to schol pick up, and on the toilet lol! And in my bed in the morning, and on the couch at night.

I just feel so sad!

But I think, (and I don't want to think about it too much, just let it flow) I think that it's all the crying I never did as a child, becos I had to armour up. I know thats part of it cos as I write about it I cry, suddenly, with a wave of emotion. So in a way, it's an incredibly easy thing to do, it feels so healing and nurturing..Accepting this hurt, letting it be known, to myself, and to you and Blue, and my C.

Oh the knight in shining armour! So true!

I despair of it ever being different with H.

He did make me a cuppa that night. He was trying. LOL He is very trying!

I feel like he's my real life lesson of how to accept and understand ppl who have a totally diff world view to me. He's slow to change, and sticks to his opinions. Even if something shifts his perspective for a bit, he'll soon switch back to what he knows, what he was brought up with. A bit of a male yobbo really! But women do it too. It's conservative, and it's destroying our environment and our communities through self interest.

I often find myself in conversation with these ppl and never could see it from their POV.

Well, now I do, a bit.

Funny really becos I do think that their inability to see it from anyone else's POV is the problem. I think it comes down to values. The almighty dollar. Jobs. Not ppl. Not environments. Not the vulnerable.

My hope is, by understanding both sides, the economic AND the human/environment, that I can be a bit more effective in my work. Most of which is volunteer. Grassroots. Community.

It amuses me that I can see my most important r/ship in this way, so rational and objective. I am such a passionate, feeling person! I tend to throw myself into r/ships and not count the cost. But beginnings are important. Very early on in ours I knew that God had intended this man as my husband. I got a very clear message. And it has sustained me in my hours of doubt.

I know he would like it to be different. He is probably disappointed as well.

My hope now is that he can make some small changes in his lifestyle, and get a bit of clarity. So that we can talk, and really actually connect, and get thru. Right now the connection is fuzzy. Like talking with 10% reception.

Speaking of which, how does that go with BF? I can imagine bad reception could be frustrating at times. It's great your connection makes up for it

Love

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi,

So I've done a teeny bit of research.... And it looks like the C may be off base. I would say, thanks to google lol, that H has a specific type of paranoid personality disorder Delusional Disorder of the persecutory type. What I've found describes his behaviour perfectly, right down to the way he can function perfectly well in all other areas.

Today is not a good day. Not with him anyway.

I think it started last night.

My C has said to not confront him on it. So rather than picking a fight, which is usually an excellent way to get him to cough up his stuff, blurt it all out- I am practicing my equanimity! Saying goodnite, even tho he's barely said two words to me since he came home.

Waiting for him to make that appt with the GP, and admit he has a problem.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring? My bet is he'll either blissfully pretend that nothing is wrong, OR continue to glower and stomp his way through the day.

Honestly, I'd rather a proper fight.

J*