My depression ruined my marriage, I pushed him away, I thought ending it was the right thing to do

[littlegirllost]

Hi

I have been through 3 miscarriages, PND with both my pregnancies - 7 years & 3 years ago - this then progressed to severe depression which I am now managing with regular psychology appointments and anti-depressants.

Throughout the last 3 years I found myself shutting the most important people to me out of my life. I was consumed by exhaustion and guilt that I thought nobody else could understand. It was during this time that I made the worst decision of my life - to leave my marriage of 10 years and break up our family. I thought this was what I wanted, what my family needed, but I regret it all now.

my reasoning at the time was to remove myself in order to fix myself, my husband asked me to work on the relationship by getting counseling together but I couldn’t wrap my head around doing it until I was feeling better about myself. My depression was holding me hostage. I felt suffocated.

I only moved out in March this year, the separation is finalized financially and we have 50/50 custody of our two beautiful kids.
Now that I have had some time to recover and work on my self-love, I’m finding myself deeply regretting the decisions I’ve made for our family. I want him back, I want our family back, I’m ready to start loving again. Why couldn’t I take the steps to make us work? I hate myself for not trying harder.
I have poured my heart out to him so he does know where I stand, I’ve apologized for my behavior - without sounding desperate.

When he finally agreed that I could move out, he said that we are over and there is no way we’d get back together as I’ve destroyed him.

Is there any chance for us? Has anyone in a similar situation reconnected with their ex? Should I let things run their course? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you 😊

ps - I’m not just going through a phase and I don’t want to move on with anyone else. I don’t just want him because it feels familiar...I am truly still in love with him

[Jimayne]

I can’t comment any advice just a thank you, I’m currently struggling really badly with my depression and anxiety, and I had made the choice to end my marriage. My husband is telling me he wants to help wants to get through this together, but my head keeps telling me I need to let him go he’ll be happy and better with out me, that I can’t keep putting him though this He is adamant he wants to be here and that he loves me and we can do this together

your post has made me See that I need to really think about this more then just how I’m feeling right now

so thank you so much

I really hope you and your husband can work this out I’m sure he still loves you very much and maybe if you can even write down everything he can read it and understand

I find writing things so much better cause I have so much trouble communicating when I’m anxious or depressed

[815]

Hi littlegirllost, and to everyone else who has taken the time to respond.

I am new to these forums too. And I stumbled across this thread. I can't offer any advice but your story hit me so hard and I have a lump in my throat as I type this reply. However I am on the other side of the table to you. It is my partner who is depressed, and I am doing everything I can to support him, but he is shutting me out.

I would first like to say that I am so happy that you have been successful in your treatment and road to recovery. I think it shows remarkable strength and determination to get through what must have been such a long and difficult journey. And it seems like there are still more challenges to face, however I do hope for the best for you and your situation and that love will find its way back between you and your husband.

For as long as I still have strength to do so, I will stick by my husband. But my biggest fear is that he will continue to keep pushing me and make a decision during this time that we will both ultimately regret. However after reading this thread, I can see that no matter how painful this is for me, it must be a zillion times more painful for him.

From reading your post I can see that it is not him pushing me away. But probably the fear and pain that he is currently unable to deal with. Your story has given me hope that there is sunshine after the rain and that love can return to our lives.

I guess the reason I wanted to reply to your post is this. I can understand how hurt your husband is from being in his situation. He probably has had a lot of difficulty understanding how you could push him aside when all he probably wanted to do was hold you and try to make it OK. However I do believe that if love is there, hurt can be healed. Give him and yourself time to try and heal, and I do hope that you will find your way back home to each other.

[littlegirllost]

Hi Jimayne

im so glad you read this thread, only wish I sought out some support before I made the worst decision of my life.

please seek support whether it be from family, friends or a professional if you don’t feel you can speak to your husband.

Ive come to realize that my husband knew way more about me and what I was feeling than I ever thought possible, I’d brainwashed myself into thinking only I could know or be trusted with the thoughts in my head.

thank you for letting me know that my post has helped you. Please don’t let your negative thoughts override your true feelings. You got this

all the very best

xx

[littlegirllost]

Dear 815

ill start by saying that I’m confident your husband loves you more than you know, but the crippling effect of his depression is clouding this, making him believe you are better off without him. Even in the depths of this illness we are still thinking of how this affects everyone else around us and not thinking of ourselves or what it might do to us.

i deeply regret not fighting for us, even though I felt incapable to do so. I will be doing everything I can to show my husband that I am sorry for this and I will do everything to fight now. I just hope it’s not too late

i would hate to see anyone else go through this or similar and I’m grateful for all the responses and encouraging words received. While I was seeking some positivity it’s nice to know that I’ve actually helped others in a similar situation

I wish you and your husband all the very best to get through this difficult time. Please reach out again if you need to

thank you

xx

[815]

Hi littlegirllost,

Thank for your reply and your kind words. It has given me hope to keep supporting my husband, and keep believing that in time with treatment and support, the fog will life and he will see me again and realise that I have only ever wanted to support him.

I hope that little by little, day by day, thinks will improve for you and your husband. From someone being in his situation, all I can say to you is to keep fighting for your love. I might sound like an idealist, or a hopeless romantic, but I do believe that love can fix anything.

I know I can't provide much support or advice, however please do keep in touch and let us know how things are going. Take care.

[Tanya_P]

Hi Jimayne,

I'm going through the same thing with my partner, except he is the one who keeps telling me that I would be better off without him. I love him so much and up until a few weeks ago, when the depression suddenly appeared, we had such a great and strong relationship. We had so much fun together and now everything is terrible. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I know that if we stick together and try to fight this thing, we can beat it. I have a severe disability and I have been fighting every day of my life. I just can't understand why someone with an illness such as depression and paranoia where they think people are reading their thoughts, reading their emails and listening in on their therapy sessions would not want to do whatever they can to try to help themselves get well. I must sound really stupid and naive, but I just don't understand what it is like to have such severe depression, and I just don't know what to do to help my partner. I love him so much and I feel that everything I say and do is wrong.

[geoff]

Hello Tanya, thanks for joining the site.

I am very sorry about the disability you're trying to cope with and unfortunately when a partner and/or spouse develops any type of depression their attitude in life can change, even they may still love you, they are unable to say it or even show affection.

They tend to want to be by themselves only because they don't like people asking them so many questions as they don't have any answers and deciding to live alone means they are by themselves and can commonly happen, but this doesn't mean he won't have any contact with you.

Having severe depression as I've had myself, takes you to another place you've never experienced before and completely changes your thinking, it's nothing you've planned, but can just happen, sometimes for no apparent reason, but deep down there is a reason and that's why we need a psychologist to sort through our thoughts.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[Lostpup]

I just ended my relationship due to the same thoughts. They'd be better off without me, I will fix myself first...

The grief, sadness, guilt... I regret with all my heart, the actions and words I spoke.

I do hope there'd be a chance in the future to reconnect but we are not on speaking terms.

I just want some form of closure. I keep grasping onto the faint bit of hope that does not exist.

This post really made me realise that this occurrence may be more common than I expected.

I wish you good luck and hope your husband opens his heart up to you once again.