Mum is complicated

[Riggybee]

I find it really hard to connect with my mum. One of the things that puts a lot of strain on my relationship with her is her work. It's like she can't switch off properly, so is physically present but mentally not there at all and she doesn't have any hobbies. Sometimes you'll say something and it will take several minutes to get a reply. And when she is not working she is always on her phone playing games or shopping and struggles a lot with her own mental and physical health. Because of this I often get really frustrated and feel like she doesn't care about us but it's just how she is. She can be even worse with my sister. Whenever I try to talk about it with her, she gets really defensive and angry then leaves and gives silent treatment. She also gets angry at me because apparently I use a tone with her like I'm talking to a child, which I don't with my dad. I don't know how to stop doing this but sometimes it does feel like she is the child because of how out of it she is. What should I do? Is it best to just leave it alone?

Thanks,

Riggybee

[indigo22]

Hi Riggybee,

It sounds like you have a lot of frustration built up from lack of communication which is understandable.

Have you considered having a talk with your dad about it? He would know her better than anyone and possibly has some advice to offer you.

The thing to keep in mind is that some mental health disorders can cause a delay if the neurons are not firing correctly. Speaking for myself as an example, I have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression for about 50 years and have noticed a delay on occasions when I am talking with someone. For me it is related to finding the word I am looking for. It is like my brain freezes up temporarily and then unfreezes and I am able to find the word I want to use.

It is hard when we think we need to parent our parents but maybe you need to try a different approach.

Maybe start by asking her how she is today and if she has anything she would like to talk about from her day.

My mum was difficult at times also, so I do get it.

Hope this helps a little,

indigo

[tranzcrybe]

It can be a rude awakening to discover children have grown more mature over time while parents feel a sense of stagnation and being locked in the routine of daily humdrum.
Your mother sounds like she is in this world, so holding up a mirror to it probably won't be looked on favourably.

Perhaps you could broach the subject with your father as an intermediary, but in the meantime it can help to demonstrate rather than remonstrate by maybe trying to do a little more to lighten the burden if you can - something to bring joy and acknowledgment through a simple gesture can speak volumes.

[Riggybee]

Thanks for responding so quickly, tranzcrybe.

[Riggybee]

Thank you so much, indigo! Will definitely give that a try.