Marriage is ending
So this is the first time im posting and feeling ashamed to be even doing this, but I'm feeling very lonely.
My marriage is breaking down, I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have 2 kids. For many years his family (mainly his sister) has been very cruel, very loud and opinionated and I have always been told to ignore. Its got to the point where I couldn't anymore and Ive had enough and took a stand for myself. My husband does not support me he doesn't see what his sister has done to me and takes her side. He doesn't see what his parents do and just sticks up for them.
This has been going on for years now and our relationship is very toxic, yelling, arguing he has thrown and broken things.
He puts me down alot, when we argue, has never complimented me which has lead me to lose all my self worth, feeling good about myself.
We always had ups and downs, it has been 5 years since we have been intermediate. About 5 months ago I asked him does he feel attracted to me and said he did physically but not with the person I am inside. I am a good person, I try my hardest with everything I do. But he says me as a nagging wife towards his family.
In that time we have had 2 X children (through IVF as I have a fertility issue) this has made me feel so unattractive, and low self esteem.
Things got really bad where he left home, walked out on a 1 half year old and was pregnant at the time. I got access to an old phone checked his emails and was talking to another woman and talking "dirty". When I had confronted him he said he did it as he could see I was accessing his emails and wanted to get a reaction out of me.
We had seperated and was going down the divorce road. I decided to try marriage counseling which we agreed to give it another shot. Even though deep down my trust is gone I can never forgive him for what he did even though I said I would move on. He has broken my trust and is not remorseful.
To this day he doesn't admit he has cheated even though he had and saying be did it on purpose is a cop out.
We have has another big argument since he has moved back in and just feel helpless, I feel guilty for my kids that I'm not giving them a happy home, I feel like a shit mum, a shit person and just feel low.
I just want a husband to love me and care and protect me!
hello and welcome.
many things went through my mind as I read your story. It seems all you did was to assert yourself with some from his side of the family. I can also see how he (a person) might stand up for his family as well - he has lived when the all his life and see anything they do as normal?
And then we I got to the end you commented on wanting your husband back... despite everything that has happened.
What needs to change for him to love you?
It also sounds like things are REALLY a struggle at the moment. You are you looking after and raising 2 kids, being a wife. Your husband's behaviour sounds unacceptable. Sadly, your story is not uncommon on the forums.
I also wonder what would happened if you walked away from an argument?
You deserve better. I would be interested in hearing more from you. And what thoughts you might have had after posting here?
Sometimes the best thing you can do for everyone in the situation, is to distance yourself from eachother
its nothing to be ashamed of, do what you have to do to take care of yourself and those that you care about
You have no reason to be ashamed of doing the right thing.
Hello Mellissa, I always believe when a marriage/partnership is not affable towards each other, that 2 happy households are much better than one unhappy single household.
If he wants to side with his family, ignoring everything you have to say, then there is a problem, especially if any type of physical abuse occurs.
Just because you have had IVF means nothing and certainly doesn't mean you are unattractive, this is done for reasons, and you can not be to blame but it's great now you have 2 children.
There have been many ups and downs regarding this marriage that don't seem to be suitable for your own safety, as it seems he has been communicating with someone else.
I can't tell you what to do, however, I can suggest that you can't struggle with a husband who is one sided and talking with another person because you can never be sure of the future and want to bring your children up with a solid parent.
We'd love to hear back from you whenever you're available.
Deep down I know I deserve better, but I'm scared to be alone, to do life by myself, as I have been with him since I was 18.
Im scared of what people would say, I just don't have confidence in myself.
I want a family unit, I want a husband, but we just don't see eye to eye. I constantly worry about what his getting upto, which he might not be doing anything and all in my head.
I want to feel good inside. I want to feel desired that my husband wants me. There is not intimacy at all, no cuddles, doesn't say any positive things to me. But when speaking to this other woman told her she looks sexy.
He says I'm controlling, as I want to know where he is, but it's only because of past experiences with him I feel so uptight and just don't know what his doing.
He has called me names when we argue, said that I'm psycho, I try not to believe the words he says to me, but it hurts so much. I know I'm a good person. But makes me feel I'm this jealous, heartless insensitive person.
I Know how much of a good person I am, he just doesn't see the good in me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, and I take full ownership of my actions when we argue I have yelled and screamed before, I'm not proud of the way I act. I want to be more of a calm person, not let things get to me and I know I can work harder on myself.
I Feel like I'm blabbering on, I'm sorry.
All I want is to be supported and to feel loved.
Now everytime we argue I'm worried his talking to other woman. As he would sit in another room as me and we won't talk
You are right, it's his family and he can't see it. It saddens me as I'm a kind of person where I can see through people and it doesn't matter if they are family or not. I believe in respect and treat people with kindness but my husband doesn't see me like that. He sees me as a controlling, mean (to put it nicely) and jealous person. Which hurts me so much as I know deep down I'm not like that.
Things that need to change would be seeing through his family, loving me on an intimacy level as at the moment there is nothing to holding hands, no hugs nothing. I want to feel my husband wants me, be proud to be with me. Don't let people talk bad about me.
If I walked away, he would probably be happy, throughout our whole relationship it was always me reaching out to him to get back together. Even when we were about to get a divorce, he would have gone through with it if I didn't give the relationship another chance.
He doesn't fight for me. Like after the infidility I would presume a person would be apologetic, do everything in their power to make the other person feel loved, safe, secure but I haven't received that.
I just want a husband to wany to be with me enough to see through people, protect our family unit. Not worry about what others say about the choices we make.
I want him to be on the same page as me!