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Marriage Dilemma, Stay or Go?
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My husband of 24years & I broke up 6 months ago. I requested the split after becoming frustrated with 1. his financial mismanagement (high debt, self-employed, unreliable income, required me to work full-time to support, took out credit cards without me knowledge), 2. Our housing situation (lived in a partially built house that we were owner-building for over 10 years with 3 kids - couldn’t afford to finish it and he seemed to lose interest in trying). 3. His dedication to his parents & siblings taking priority over me & the kids and their lack of support/respect towards me as well, and his refusal to stand up for me against them - telling me I was overreacting. 4. His alcohol addiction was getting very bad. 5. When discussing our wills, he wanted to exclude me from inheriting a $400K property he inherited from his father, and instead leave it to our kids if he passed first, which would leave me with an unfinished house, 500K debt and not many assets to sell. He also refused to sell same property when he inherited it to fund finishing the house. I gave him 3 years to find the money by starting a new business at the property and after 3 years, all profits had gone back into upgrading equipment at the business and we had no money left and no work coming in. Since the breakup, he has given up alcohol, quit his business, found a good job with good pay, accepted now that he was blindsided by his family and he’s going to finish building the house. We’ve done a property settlement. I got the $400K property. He kept the unbuilt one & took over the debt. He wants to stay together. He’s a nice guy. We do get along well. But I’m not sure whether to stay. I’ve met someone else but I’m not sure whether they are compatible with me. They make me laugh, that’s about it. What to do?!!
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Hi At_Crossroads
I'm wondering whether if you began casually dating your ex, you'd be able to gain a sense of any red flags alerting you to certain issues. Another consideration comes down to 'Does he tick all the boxes in regard to someone you wish to go on to become serious with?'. Does he appear to be financially responsible? Does he appear to have a more open mind? Does he appear to be a good communicator and someone who's able to compromise? Does he appear to be thoughtful and perhaps more conscious of other people's emotions/feelings? Is he able to better understand and better manage his own emotions/feelings, without relying on alcohol to manage them? And the list goes on. I suppose dating each other could help you both establish whether remaining separated is the right decision.
In my own marriage, of 22 years, I've found a lot can come down to appointments and disappointments. Kind of like 'I appoint you as my partner in significant financial decisions' or 'We appoint each other, through our vows, to be in a monogamous relationship' or 'We appoint ourselves to be there for each other in great emotional challenges' etc etc. It's when one disappoints themself from a particular role, through their words and/or actions, that the disappointment can be felt and sometimes incredibly deeply and painfully. As you'd know, when the disappointments (from certain roles) come one after the other, you can find your self on a long highly stressful or depressing path lined with red flags.
I suppose the question could also be 'Does someone else tick all the boxes or accept many of the appointments that go toward forming a strong, exciting and fulfilling relationship with a solid sense of security?'. I smile when I say that it's not as though we're going to intensely interview a potential partner, like as in a job interview, but it can pay to gain an internal view of a person's nature to see if they're the right person for the role of serious partner.
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At_Crossroads,
Thank you so much for posting here, we warmly welcome you to our forums. Therising has worded it so eloquently, so I'm here to extend this advice and also offer my own.
It sounds to me like you made the right decision at the time for yourself, which would've taken a lot of courage and preparation. Now that you're in this position three years down the track, it is important to be asking yourself what having him back in your life would do for you.
- How are you going in your life currently? Are you happy, fulfilled, satisfied?
- Is this somebody who will enrich your current lifestyle? How so?
- Does what you like and/or miss about him outweigh the negativity of his behaviour from last time?
- Will you be more vigilant given his previous actions, and how would this affect your relationship moving forward?
- What would you do if you begin to notice all the same signs from before coming back? Is this a dealbreaker?
- Would you be emotionally, physically, financially prepared to go through a split again if you do notice these signs, or even different signs?
You don't have to answer these here, or at all. But they might be good to think about if you're considering having him back in your life in the same or similar capacity as before.
The other question that can be good to consider is to ask what you would advise a friend or family member to do if they were in the same situation. Talk to yourself as if you were somebody else. Weigh up the pros and cons. This can really help you to make an informed and more objective decision.
I hope this helps, and we're here to support you if you want to chat about your thoughts some more.
Take care, SB
