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Marriage again after separartion

Community Member

I have pretty bad anxiety issues but at the moment and just able to cope (nearly) and hold on to my job. My marriage ended after 16years quite suddenly as my husband had an affair. Things were not great before that but ok. 6 weeks after that happens I threw myself into another relationship that was very romantic and exciting. After 14 months I realised that relationship wasn't going to work and I ended it which was very hard. I was scared and lonely and so was my ex husband by that stage so decided to give it another go. That was nearly a year ago. 

Things are good for a while but then I start having thoughts of ending it this upsets him greatly. He has been good since we've been back together but for some reason I just don't feel an attraction towards him and it's really distressing me. We tried counselling but it was just too distressing for both of us. Don't know what to do and it's affecting my health 😞

9 Replies 9

Community Member

Dear Feelinblu.  Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds as though you decided on your hubby, rather than being alone.  If you went back to your hubby because you genuinely love him and want the marriage to work, I don't think you'd be looking for reasons to stay with him.  When your marriage ended, you started a new relationship immediately.  Perhaps you really need time away from hubby till you know how you feel.  I know living alone is scary (I've been on my own for quite a while now).  Counselling will only work if you both want the same thing.  But if you're not sure what you want, all you're doing is confusing you and hubby.  Does he want the marriage to work?  I would look at maybe getting somewhere else to live for a while until you know exactly what you want.  Hubby's health will be affected by this turmoil as well.  Keep seeing counsellor, but I think you need time away to really know what you want.  Maybe you want in your hubby what you thought you'd be getting from the other man you got involved with.  When you didn't get from the other man, the same behaviour you got from your hubby, you were just as frustrated.  It almost sounds tit for tat, too, hubby had an affair, so to get back at him for hurting you, you did the same.  That just leads to more confusion, anger, hurt, betrayal.  I really feel you need time away from situation to help you clarify what and who you want.  As I said earlier, keep seeing counsellor (even if only you go). 

Hope this helps.

Community Member

Hi there. Just wanted to say 'thank you l' Pipsy. Sound advice and probably just what i needed to hear. I have sought counselling and wilL continue to go. 

 take care X

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Feelinblu, I agree with Pipsy, and remember your marriage was not going that well before he was found to be having
an affair, and perhaps when couples feel as though they miss their ex and want to get back together again, only think of
the positive facts that were happening and not what they disliked in each other, because you have to think about what was
actually happening 24/7.
You and/or he may want to live together again, but is this just for security, because I still love my ex wife but there
is no way we could live together ever again, because there are far too many issues that were never resolved, and never
could be resolved.
As time passes we change what we now like to do, in contrast to when we were married and 16 years is a long time, so both
your interests would surely be different.
I also live by myself and would never live with anyone else, even if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't want her to come and
live with me, because that chances the whole situation. Geoff. x

Hi Feelinblu,

Relationships are not always easy are they! My husband and I have had a rocky relationship off and on for decades! Ha. Ha.

We have now come to a point where we are two friends living in the same house. We have separate bedrooms and haven't been intimate for years. My husband told me he finds my 50 year old body repulsive and would rather have a 20 year old Asian lady in his bed.

I can't compete with that, and have decided I don't even need to try to.

We both have our own interests, friends, likes and dislikes. We do have holidays together, go out to dinner, act as a couple in the general sense, and it seems to be okay for us both.

I struggled with this. I want more out of the marriage, but am not prepared to leave. My first husband used to beat me up, so this relationship is a whole heap better than that!

My current husband and I attend counselling together. He talked about all my problems, thought that all issued would be settled now, and we didn't have to return again. I don't think he liked being confronted by the counsellor when asked questions about his own actions. Ha. Ha.

For me it is important to keep my own identity, to keep in touch with friends and family and do what makes me happy and content in life. The times we share together and enjoy, are a bonus.

One counsellor I saw recommended we read a book called The Five Love Languages. I think there is a web site by the same name.

There are also lots of sites for example of things to do to rekindle a marriage. Maybe checking out some of these sites might be helpful.

Your relationship will never be what it has been in the past. It will be something different. If you both want to make it work, it could be something new, creative and nurturing!

Cheers for now from (Mrs.) Dools


Community Member

Hi Lauren.   I'm sorry about his words that he finds your 50 year old body offensive.  I think that's a horrible thing to say.  My ex and I are speaking (without arguing), whether we'll ever get back what we had, only time will tell.  He's still attached to his m/d still sees them fairly regularly.  He has admitted he finds visiting them a bit of a drag.  His mum has short-term memory loss which is a type of dementia.  His father still quite arrogant.  They are both in their 80's, so I don't know how much longer they'll be around.  Even once he loses them, I don't think that'll make much difference to us.  I don't feel the way I used to.  He says he still loves me, but I don't think he will ever understand unconditional love.  I don't bear grudges, I feel quite sorry they had such a powerful hold over him, he couldn't defend me against their abuse.  His mother apparently still occasionally lashes out at me.  He reckons he tell her off, but I doubt it.   I guess one day he will realise the damage they did.  He's had 3 relationships, 2 marriages, one long term relationship, they destroyed all 3.   

I don't need him anymore, I have my life. 

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Pipsy,

You mentioned short term memory loss, I had totally forgotten all about using "Lauren" as a name to go by! Ha. Ha. I do keep telling my husband that dementia is not far away for me.

The funny thing with my husband's comment is that he is about 25 to 30 kilos heavier than I am, more unfit, almost has boobs bigger than mine and has very little hair! Not that any of that matters to me.

I was rather offended when he made that comment and when he spoke about desiring a 20 year old lady in front of friends I was a little embarrassed. At least he is open about it all and I am not left guessing what he wants in life!

From my comments earlier, I am certainly not saying for one moment either that it is not right for people to live by themselves. Sometimes I think I would love to have a home of my own and do as I like when I like. I don't want any one to think that I believe everyone should stay together. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

I spoke with my sister recently and asked her what it was about some parents that feel like their children owe them something for the rest of their lives. Not having children I don't really get that.

My parents did what they thought was right, but they certainly weren't there for me when I needed them the most, now they still expect me to do as they want and desire. I just don't get that.

Congratulations to you for having your own life Pipsy!

Cheers for now from (Mrs.)Dools

Thank you all for your inputs. Lauren you sound like the eternal optimist always looking on the bright side. Pipsy you strike as me as very strong and that is exactly how I want to be. I am terrified of being alone but think that may be exactly what I need to do. How long did it take you to feel ok with being by yourself? Do you have kids? I think I need a friend like you in my life 🙂

Community Member
Hi Feelinblu.  You ask how long it took for me to get used to being by myself.  Because I'm sort of basically a loner, it didn't take too long.  My hubby wasn't around much in our early years of marriage.  He worked shift work and quite often worked double shifts, so I was alone a lot.  I do have kids (grown up, married).  I see them more now, but when I first came here, they stayed in N.Z.  However, unlike a lot of 'clingy' parents, I've never been one to expect to see them often.  My daughter works and has 3 grown up children herself.  My son has 2 kids.  My kids were very supportive over me leaving my ex.  They both felt I'd be better off out of the toxic situation I was in.  I have my moments, but not often because I love to read, I have friends (would welcome you).  The best part for me is, if I want to stay up late, I can.  I don't have to worry about meals, a sandwich sometimes suffices.  Money was always a big issue with ex, I feel if I don't have it, as long as the rent's paid, any bills paid, I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy.  You can't take money with you.  I've been 'flat broke', even then I didn't worry as I knew it was temporary.  My depression was caused mainly because of the toxic home life I had as a child.  My ex failed to understand because his parents doted on him as his siblings.  I fought to just be recognized, I wasn't wanted, thought it was my fault.  I feel sad for my parents (both deceased) how much they denied a relationship with me.  But it did teach me to be strong, so I guess I can't complain.      

Hi Feelinblu,

At the moment I am trying to feel optimistic! Ha. Ha. That is not always the case. Life has certainly chucked me some "interesting happenings" along the way.

There are many times I have wished I had the guts and determination to leave this marriage and live on my own. But that has never happened.

Would I be happier alone? Maybe. Could I survive? Most probably. Should I leave? I don't know.

So for now, I am still here and trying to make the most of everything I do have and that we have together.

Today I gave my husband a card for Valentine's Day and I am taking him out to dinner. He told me he felt sorry he had nothing for me. I told him that was okay, I didn't expect or need anything.

We are not fighting. We can talk to each other respectfully. We don't hate each other. We help each other out when we can. We love each other in our own peculiar ways. For me that is enough.

A house of my own? Maybe one day it will come to that one way or another...

Cheers, from Lauren or Dools, which ever you prefer!