Managing BPD and my relationship
Firstly I like to state I am in therapy for BPD along with that I have anxiety and depression! I have been this way as long as I can remember growing up I have become more aware of how I am yet don't seem to be any better. I was always free a quick fix, my theopist has told me it's something I need to learn to cope with not something that can be fixed. I'm in a rut ATM have gained 7kilo keep binge eating hating my appearance. I have really bad mood swings all or nothing approach, black and white thinking! I can't seem to chill ever. I care to much or to little.
Current situation I have been seeing a guy for the last 8 months now since my last partner. My last partner left because of how I am and I pushed him out the door. The new partner puts up with everything his so good to me but I won't fully commit myself to him though we have been seeing each other for awhile now. I get anxious every time I think his going to leave me and I pull him back in. The push & pull bullshit. I go from wanting more I be alone by myself to attached to him the next.
its so exhausting for both him and I. I can't act all loving towards them then switch like a light and not want anything to do with him. I think it's better if I was alone and I feel selfish for keeping him around when he is so nice to me I always put him down and throw it in his face. Maybe I'm so scared to be alone? Maybe I don't feel down want to be with him but I avoid it ? I feel a rush of anxiety hitting me whenever I actually think I pushed him away. But maybe I need to do it and get over myself 😞 I don't talk to any friends or family because it's always the same shit with me every time. I feel like a trap guys when they meet me in all nice then a few months in the real me appears.
Advice or anyone els ever get this and what do you do about it!
Thabk you !
Welcome to the forum!
I'm glad you're receiving professional help for your BPD, anxiety and depression. That's a complex trio, so getting support is really important. The binge eating sounds distressing. I struggled with binge eating about four years ago, though my situation was different from yours. However, I'd like to say that forgiving myself and being self-compassionate was crucial. The guilt and shame I felt after binge eating (and when I thought about it) was upsetting. I slowly learned to accept that I was distressed and vulnerable, rather than that I was doing something"bad" or shameful.
It's great that your partner is so supportive. Unfortunately, the intense mood swings and negative thoughts about yourself are problematic for you personally in relationships. Though words may not help, I'd just like to emphasise that you are not a trap. It is the man's decision to stay with you after learning about your mental health situation. There is no force or coercion from you. Also, you are not selfish. Someone who worries about the effect of their mental health on their partner isn't selfish. You are caring and you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Perhaps your partner could come to a therapy session with you a few times, so you can learn as a couple about coping with your mental health challenges together.
This website could help your partner understand more about BPD and how to cope within your relationship: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm
It would be great to hear back from you!
Hi zeal, thank you for your reply!
After my last break up I was at my lowest point so I decided to go to therapy and since then I have been learning a lot but still yet to put what I learn into practice. Some days I can feel like nothing is even wrong with me other days not so much. I have been to therapy before as well because my depression seems to e worse after break ups and I have been told I mite have some kinda of attachment thing. my realionships end up the same I push them away and they leave this one I have been pushing but the guy is used to it now but it's just getting exhausting.
I tell my therapist I just want to be happy but she has told me happiness is a feeling it's not a destination. And with my self image she has mentioned I will always be chasing after fixing something on my body. I actually got to my goal weight after my last break up I lost 6 kilo in a few weeks but because of the break up I wasn't happy still. I'm trying learn to be happy and accept myself as I am now but I can't fake looking st myself and not liking it.
And my partner is understanding and I just want to be alone right now and I worry I keep him there for my comfort I don't know if I need to just be strong and tell him to go. He said he loves me but I havnt said it back. I see patterns with my realionships but this one is different he was only meant to be a rebound but it's been 8 months now 😞 i jist want to close off i dont like thibking or talking about 'us' and his just so nice to me and I'm a complete cow to him. He was that guy who got hurt from a girl he loved then after just slept around and never stuck to one girl and he says he hasn't met anyone like me so caring and genuine and I can be. But I can also be the opposite.
He already had done his research about it he gets anxious sometimes to. We had a bad fight at the end of last year and for a few weeks didn't take and he was smoking crack then I thought we were over and from what I can remember I was happy alone but he came back and we were back on. My therapist said to me when one of us is good the other isn't like I'm going through my down now while his not and it was me being up at the start of the year. Idk whatever anyone says I take on board and think omg they are right.
I dont think i can give him what he deserves in a partner. Do I just say let's not do this anymore and have to just leave each other alone? Maybe I feel guilty if I leave I am really confused I think so much I shut off 😞
I previously dated someone with BPD, however he refused to see he had it. What you have described occurring in your relationship is exactly what did, however i was on the opposite end. He was super nasty also and being a stoner was thrown into the mix too, one week he'd be making heaps of effort and everything was perfect then randomly id get a text message 'i dont want you, i cant do this anymore etc'. Its really great that you've recognised your mental health problems, it honestly helps both yourself and your partner. Mine however refused to think anything was wrong, i was blamed for everything all his issues and insecurities were on me. Im like you i get severely depression and anxiety after a breakup, this breakup i experienced was horrendous for me and I'm still healing. He still cant accept ruining me and his own issues, its sad but hey he will need to grow up one day and face reality of his mental health.
Take a step back, maybe have a discussion with your partner or a close friend about how you are feeling. What your fears are. Even think about all the beautiful things about your partner and rationalise your thought process.
I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit, im sure you are an amazing person. Think about why you are with him, why did you go back to him?
Hey acceptance is key,
I underwent Schema Therapy and DBT for BPD last year (first Schema Therapy then DBT when my emotions decided to have a field day/week/month).
I thought I'd reply here but maybe just share my own experience rather than advice since, well, as you probably understand, I don't really trust my own advice because I think I lie to myself a lot.
Anyway, therapy has been really difficult. The early days of Schema Therapy were great because I learnt a lot about myself, but like you said, I am just not putting it into practice.
With my current psychologist (I changed), we're doing what feels like what is called Transference Focussed Therapy. The idea is the psychologist doesn't actually tell you what to do or give you exercises. They barely tell you anything at all, and going back into the past isn't a focus. Instead, we focus on the relationship between me and her. It's fascinating because I thought I'd be able to maintain a distance between us but I'm noticing that's not actually true. I keep asking questions with the intention of making her annoyed, or want to give up on me, then feeling annoyed at myself for doing that and going the other way to make sure she stays.
I did the same thing with my past relationships as well, so I can see the benefit (logically) of doing TFP for my particular situation.
The push/pull situation you described with your previous and current partner is so saddeningly true for me as well. I was always terrified, even if I hid it from myself and her, that my ex would leave me. So naturally, knowing what her buttons were, I did things that would make her want to leave. And when she did, I somehow managed to twist that as well to "How could she leave me like this?"
I think it will be very difficult to work on bonding while you're constantly trying to be what you think he wants you to be. If you're like me, that fear of not being enough will always be there. In my case, it took 4.5 years to finally succeed in pushing someone away, but it happened eventually and it was pretty devastating for both of us.
Perhaps it's even something worth blatantly asking him. Why is he with you? Make it an exercise. Tell each other why you're both in the relationship and just listen. There's no need to agree or disagree with each others' reasons (and make this a rule), then write everything down including how you felt, and take this to your therapist.
Hi acceptance is key
I cant add much to the above excellent replies.
But please google the threads below
Topic: do we expect a smooth road in life?- beyondblue
Topic: so is it your illness or your personality?- beyondblue
Topic: inner peace, the glory of being YOU- beyondblue
Topic: when emotions take over logic- beyondblue
Topic: forgiveness and forgetting, the two "F's" for love- beyondblue
Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue
Regards Tony WK
Hi lizzie50's thanks for the reply!
sorry to hear you dated someone with BPD I honestly don't know if I could do it I see what I put my partner through and it makes me really upset. It's hard but yet we both seem to stay I keep telling myself to let him go but every time I do it gives me anxiety even thinking he won't be in my life I feel selfish for that reason also.
People tell me I am hard on myself but I don't see it like that, I just see a lot of things I wish I was better at.
I worry I went from realionship to the next I only had about 2 month break from my last one to this one. I keep reliving my past and when my ex left and it makes me really nervous. Right now I'm just stuck in the middle my partner has told me he can't keep doing this and needs me to work with him bless him he is to good to me. But I can't seem to make any ferm choices as I'm scared to move from where I am now.