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Recently my husband of 20years told me he wanted out. I didn’t see this coming, not one bit. I mean hindsight is such a cruel thing, I see now he had left the marriage a couple of months before. I think there is someone else, although in my heart of hearts I don’t think he did more than Snapchat or text them prior to leaving. But since he has left I have looked back and there were red flags. He denies this is the case, but I struggle with the fact the if it not why so many lies?
He comes to my house almost everyday since separating, usually to get more things. At first every time he came he was angry and usually at me. Then the last time he asked me why I was “off”, I think he realised later I knew he was lying to me about where he had been.
I don’t feel like I want him back, I don’t think it would work now, but I am struggling with the up and down emotions, being constantly nice (for kids) and mainly the lies.
He says he hasn’t loved me for a couple of years, but I look back at all the messages and other things and I just can’t see that, reading these it seems a couple of months at the very least. But he has basically told me I am to blame, I think in my heart of hearts I know that there is another person involved, and he is now not the person I was married to.
Aldo he seems to want to keep the separation a secret or at least quiet. I don’t understand this either, if you want out why do that?
I am so lost and feeling like I will never recover from this. Sometimes I am angry, strong, and other times just completely defeated.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

A few observations. Do you think he is controlling? I noticed he wants the separation to "be kept quiet". So, he expects you to abide right? That means you shouldn't confide in others, friends and family to obtain support right? Hardly a fair demand. Nor is it a free relationship whereby you as an equal person can do as you please. In my method of thinking he left the household- you can do as you want.

The next observations is your belief of his lies. You do not need evidence, it's your belief and there obviously has been many lies told. You might lack self esteem enough to question yourself about him...which is a sad way to exist really. As long as you is convinced he has lied there is no more questioning you need.

I would suggest you put in place a limit to him visiting. Advise him to get all his "stuff" and dont return unless he has a scheduled period with your children. Turning up everyday would not produce any period whereby you can relax and go through the process of grief of your loss.

Confidence- It was 1996 when I was forced to leave the family home due to my then controlling first wife. Please read the first post of this thread.


Time is your best healer. So this period is unavoidable with lots of sadness and questioning yourself. You will need to rise up and confront his comments with some wit. No long answers needed. See, some partners think they can still control their spouses even after they've left the home. You can reject that behaviour.

I would suggest a visit to your GP for a chat. Your wellbeing is paramount to your childrens lives.

Repost anytime


Community Member

Hi and welcome.

This must be so tough on you right now and you must be feeling very betrayed. As Tony mentioned, it kind of sounds like your Husband is controlling and if he were to have a new supply, he might be keeping you close enough so that you are not able to be taken but he can come back any time he wants.

I would be enforcing very strong and clear-cut boundaries for him to follow right now.