For the longest time i have felt like i have been loosing little pieces of myself. First it was family and friends. They would do things that would make me so mad, i decided to wipe people out of my life, so much so that there is hardly anyone left in it. But that was ok because i like having my own little bubble that doesn't have any toxic people or the dramas they seem to cause.
My main priority is my partner and my 4 kids. I don't need anyone else. Except, i need my family to help out at home. All i ask is dishes get rinsed off before they are stacked ready to wash. Put your clothes in the right way before you put them in the washing basket and i am happy to do everything else. Nope. Too hard. And the worst one for it is hubby.
I come home from work, feel like i am living in a house from "houseos" except without the drugs, and if i don't clean, it either doesn't get done, or they might as well have left it for me to do anyway. This is not how i want to live, why can't the people i love more than anything in the world help me.
I am failing to meet my targets at work, and people are whinging about me. Makes me feel like just throwing it in. But we can't afford for me not to work. That, and staying at home feels suffocating and not fulfilling. Especially when there is no appreciation.
I've gotten to the point where i have days off, i get out of bed to drop the kids at school, then i spend the rest of the day in bed, sleeping or watching movies. I can't even tell you the last time i had sex, and even longer than that my desire for it. I would rather escape in the fantasy worlds that i watch, than actually do anything. Happily ever after doesn't occur in real life, it does on tv.
I miss my old self, and i feel like crap that my kids are growing up with this horrid person as their mother right now. Sometimes i don't even want things to change, i just want to sleep. All the time. I feel ok when i sleep.......
Dear Lost in Darkness
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry no one has been able to reply to you earlier.
Some of the actions of your family made me smile a little as they are so common to many families. I did not ask my children to put their clothes in the basket the right way out, just to put them in the basket. If the uniforms,or any other clothes, were not there I went looking but decided the children were old enough to take responsibility for their own clothes. If the clothes were not there to be washed, they were not washed.
When they had gone through their clean uniforms they came running to me. I pointed out that I had told them the rules. No clothes in the basket = no washing. So despite the protests I stuck with my decision and it was amazing how quickly they learned. Perhaps you could try something of this nature?
I also refused to clean their rooms unless the children tidied them first. And that also worked. As you say, husbands are the worst and sadly I never got mine to see any need for co-operation. Even though I had a full time job the housework was my responsibility, and that included picking up his dirty clothes from the floor and washing them. I wish I had the strength to insist he be a little more polite but he was a bully and the repercussions were too horrendous. I left him eventually.
That's probably a bit drastic for you. It sounds to me as though you are a bit depressed. Watching TV, work not quite up to scratch, irritated with family, feeling you are losing yourself, are common symptoms. I agree with you about getting rid of toxic people. Life is hard enough without people of this sort.
Have you thought of visiting your GP? If you have a mild depression they can help you get back to "normal". In any event it is always worth a chat. What about a "round table conference" with the family? Tell them how you feel about the lack of support and how it is making you feel. In all probability they have, sadly, not noticed your tiredness. Children are so used to mom being there that they never question how she feels or how she manages her life. I'm certain every mom who has ever written in here will agree.
Having a family discussion, without the TV or mobile phones on, can be a very productive action. Perhaps while you are all having a meal together? Also plan activities for yourself during the week, no matter what else is happening. As a bread winner you need to look after your own mental and physical health.
Hope to hear from you again.
dear Lostindarkness, hi and thanks for posting your comment.
Please don't consider yourself as worthless, because you have an enormous job to achieve, not only at work, but also at home, where you aren't getting any help at all. well I would do exactly as what Mary has said, believe it it won't take them too long to put an effort into doing what is expected of them, but please don't give in if they need their clothes for tomorrow and haven't put them in the basket, even if they say 'pretty please mum', because if you do give in then you're back to square one.
Remember this is only training them for when they get married or move out of home, all you want is for them to respect you, and then respect who ever they partner with. L Geoff. x
Hi there L.I.D. (hope you don’t mind the abbreviation);
Welcome to Beyond Blue and the two responses you’ve received from both Mary and Geoff have been great, with good advice thrown in as well.
Damn damn damn, if only I’d followed Mary’s advice re: placing the dirty clothes into the laundry basket – still, there’s time for that to happen and I think that’s a great piece of advice.
My play on this is when I’m hanging the washing out, if one arm is the right way and the other arm is inside out, I leave it as is. Sure it might not dry properly, but if that’s the way they take them off, then that’s the way I’ll hang them and present them back to them. Little things, but damn annoying when you’re the one doing that particular task.
And whoa, you’ve got 4 kids – we’ve got two, in their teens, and so the plates don’t take long to build up at all – so it’s a very RARE thing to see the kitchen looking neat, spic and span. It’s a constant battle – a never-ending one.
With regard to work, that is important to try to hang in there and get things done – not only the money side of things, but also for your mind, as it helps keep it occupied for large parts of your day, so you don’t get the chance to drift off and be worried/concerned about other issues. If you feel you’re not meeting your targets, is it possible to seek out help or to ask your supervisor about this situation and that if possible, could you receive some support to help you get things completed – perhaps even just for a little while, to help you catch up or get back on track??
Apart from watching movies, are there other things that you enjoy? Hobbies, interests, physical activities; perhaps something to get you a bit mobile and out of the house – when we’re stressed and tense, exercise can be a massive benefit to us. Perhaps do something active with one or all of the kids, age dependent?
Anyway would love to hear back from you on this.