Lost myself trying to please husband

Mmali · ‎27-07-2020

Hi, I was a bit hesitant to reach out at first but feel its necessary now. For the past 15 years i have been married to a person who only knows how to suck my energy and I have till now done whatever i could to please him to avoid his anger and feared confrontation. This means I dress the way he wants me to do, say things that he loves to hear and talk to people he approves of. He even decides where i go and where i cannot go. I am now sick of it and feel i have unconsciously given my power to someone who is not even worth it. I am now realising what happened all this time where i was forced to do so many things by being blamed and shamed. I was miserable yet i did things so that he is happy. I would like to know if someone else has a similar experience like me and how did you deal with it. I am now focussing on setting boundaries and also trying to figure out what i want and what i like.

ecomama · ‎29-07-2020

Hi Mmali

Wow congratulations for seeing what was happening, being in tune with how it made you feel and then DOING something about it all.

Boundaries are so important.

Indeed what you've experienced is part of Domestic Violence as pointed out earlier.

I completed an awesome Course (quite gobsmacking in fact) called "Breaking Free" for women living / leaving or had left DV relationships. It was offered through our local Women's Health Centre and is free.
I thought I had an idea of DV but boy there was mountains I had no idea about whatsoever (financial abuse, coercive control, the use of "minions" like yours and my mother in laws and more etc).
My jaw was on the ground for most of the course lol!
It was HIGHLY Educational.
It was facilitated by 2 Counsellors who had been trained in DV.
There was a 2 appointment "intake" process and if you are unable to attend the group setting (which I highly recommend) then it can usually be undertaken 1:1 after hours.

There are further courses to help us AVOID falling into the same trap next time. One is called "The Shark Cage" lol.

I found it a very dangerous time when I began setting boundaries (esp over my money) and becoming more "free".

Bestest wishes
EM

Tay100 · ‎03-08-2020

Hi Mmali

Thanks for checking back with us; your realisation of setting boundaries, saying no when you need too and setting a positive example for your daughter is a great moment of growth that will surely resonate with others. This mindset is key, what are some things you can do to keep in this positive headspace?

Mmali · ‎04-08-2020

Hi Ecomama

Thanks for your encouraging words. I am interested in doing the course. I googled but couldn't find any courses . Is it provided in certain areas only?

Mmali · ‎04-08-2020

Hi Tay100

Things i am practising at the moment and hanging on strongly is my boundaries. I had no boundaries before and often had to put up with people who will say or do nasty things and i would let it be that way. I realised i have to teach people how to treat me and how i respond to them is one way to get the message across. Before i always felt i shouldn't argue/disagree with people or give my thoughts because i feared they might get upset with me. In doing so i forgot that i myself was miserable. I now realise that there will still be people around who will be ready to take full advantage of you if you make yourself available and cannot say no. Learning to say no is a skill which i am slowly developing.

Besides boundaries i am also doing some meditation. It helps me relieve stress and enables me to be more mindful.

Tay100 · ‎04-08-2020

Hi Mmali

Ohhh meditation sounds fabulous, I hope that becomes a long term solution for you- any particular kind of meditation?

Saying no can be hard but it can be the right and healthy thing to do- even if we need to say no to something we used to say yes too, to save someone's feelings or would like to do but probably shouldn't for our own good. If it ever gets hard saying no or setting new boundaries (or keeping them in place), we can guide you through it.

Guest_3256 · ‎04-08-2020

Hi Mmali.

Yes. I personally experienced something similar, so have a lot of people. You may be experiencing a lot of contempt towards your Husband. What can you do? First step is to identify what is making you feel the way you do and then to find the most plausible solution. Remember, that when you give in to others, you end up literally giving up control. Learn how to take the control back (it must be balanced) and to understand that you don't have to let anyone treat you poorly. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way and from the sounds if it, you have allowed yourself to be treated this way for a long time. You also need to take responsibility for your wellness and not blame your Husband for the way you have allowed him to treat you - you own that more than anyone. Time to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Only you can do that. Try viewing your situation as it is, not hat you want it to be. You have a lot of contempt for your Husband, it takes two to tango and if you have enabled someone to treat you poorly, that can have a negative effect on your wellness.

Mmali · ‎04-08-2020

Hi Jsua

Sorry to hear that you experienced something similar. You are right about allowing myself to be treated poorly. It was ME who gave my power away and let others control me. I wish i had known this before. I am focussing on myself now and trying to do all those things that I didn't do cause of my fear. Its a long way but I'm taking things slowly.

ecomama · ‎04-08-2020

Hi Mmali, welcome back! It's so nice to see so many people offering their kinship over your situation.

Mmali said:

Hi Ecomama

Thanks for your encouraging words. I am interested in doing the course. I googled but couldn't find any courses . Is it provided in certain areas only?

I would Google "Women's Health Centre (insert suburb and/ or nearby suburbs)"...
They will have a number to call and ask about ANY Courses to do with DV.
I live in NSW and the "Breaking Free Course" is even part of Court Orders for some people to attend... so it's especially Government approved and supported. It's brilliant.
You can phone and ask for a Counsellor to call you back to talk about this Course. It's the 1st one in a series here.

I would expect that if you are not in NSW then very similar courses would be offered through similar centres in your state.

Due to covid being a particular issue in some places, maybe these Courses are being held 1:1 or via secure face time apps etc.

I believe the 1800RESPECT helpline would know all about all of this. Omg this line has been heaven sent to our family. Have full confidence in their ability to help you. They are freaking awesome lol.

Please understand that Women's Health Centres are particularly sensitive to protecting you. They will NOT ever tell partners what women are doing there. They check all the time whether you have a secure line etc.

IF you have a secure email address (H doesn't know password) then you can ask to be on their email list for what's happening there.

You are amazing.

EM

Guest_3256 · ‎07-08-2020

Hello Mmali.

Good to hear that you've responded. People always believe that things are naturally more difficult that they are. Nothing is ever too difficult. You can still have the best life with your husband. Have you ever actually thought to yourself "could things have been different with my Husband?" Defiantly! …….and they still can be but you need to want to make things better. If you have a dead battery, do you replace the battery or do you go out and buy a brand new car? Fix those little things that can improve you lifestyle, improve your wellness and give yourself a more rewarding and prosperous life. Life is just too short. 🙂 - happy face.