Lost, exhausted and hate life!

[Stuck82]

Hi, i hope someone can give me hope that i can be strong enough. I have been together with my husband for 15 years. Married for 10 and we have 2 beautiful boys together. I met him when i was 18 and been with him ever since. I have been depressed for a long time but finally got help last year. I see a psychologist and i am also on anti depressants. I see my doctor monthly. I feel not as cloudy on the medication but still very down. I do the jobs that i have to do and make sure my family are looked after and that's it. I do not do anything that i enjoy anymore cause i just dont care. My husband is a child, he plays computer games, drinks alcohol alot. We have been through so much in tbe past 5 years and i have finally had enough. But i don't know what i want anymore. I feel so down. I feel like i want to be on my own but then i cant see myself without my husband. I don't have Facebook or any social media connection, i don't go to any work partys, he hates me working where i work full stop, i cant even get a tattoo. Why? Cause it upsets him! He says i am an attention seeker, a liar, dumb! I don't do any of these things cause i want him to be happy and not be angry at me (even though he never is happy) people say to me to just leave but i can't cause i don't want to upset him and give up. I feel like im not being a good wife if i did. Im going crazy cause i just want to be me and not be put down or judged. But i feel like i can't leave cause i will break up my family i have wanted so much. What do i do? Im exhausted! All i think is, whats he going to feel or think about me!? He'll hate me. I don't talk to him about anything im feeling cause i don't want to argue anymore. Im tired but i feel so stuck. I want my family but i want to be on my own with my kids. I don't know what to feel anymore. I hate my life. I hate what and who i have become! I know i need to fix it but cant. Im miserable and just so down. I feel ive given everything... there is so much more to my story but it just goes on and on. Seeing my psychologist and doctor help but not to a point where i can make a decision. When will i just have enough?

[Stuck82]

Hi Neil1, he won't admit he is controlling. I have told him he is and he says i can do what ever i want! Yeh i could but why would i when if i did all i get would be put downs? He says to be i should not want to do it because i know it upsets him so therefore i don't. That's the manipulation right there. He can also be a caring father. I don't want you to get the impression he is all bad.. i mean he is mostly but he does have good parts in him. He uses the whole ill have nothing to do with the boys if i leave as manipulation. He says that i think to change my mind cause he knows i would hate it. He is calling bluff.. i honestly think he couldn't not see his boys. Even though he avoids responsibility he does have them when i work and he does take them to foot ball training and football games. He enjoys doing all the fun stuff with them but he hates the responsibility of having them when i am at work especially. He always says he never has his weekends to do what he wants cause i have to work... the boys would be with me if i left. I would get a house for us and my family are very supportive and would help me. I would stay with my parents until i found a house if left. It would be hard cause they live a few hours away from me but i would do what i had to do til i found a house where i live.

[pipsy]

Hi, because I'm not happy with the name you've chosen, I will simply refer to you as Hopeful. Hopeful, to me signifies, you've more or less decided on your future. Perhaps another thing to help you decide would be to write down reasons to stay against reasons to leave. Mark the list, pros and cons, pros being to stay, cons being to leave. Only you know how he will react if you leave or continue to stay. Heaps here, including me previously, have given you advise on what action you should take. The final decision has to be yours and yours alone. You say he's a good dad (possibly when it suits), you then contradict yourself to say how bad he makes you feel when he is asked to do something with the kids. He wants everything his way, no compromise, he refused to attend counselling. You said, if you were to leave, you would feel guilty, may I ask why? Guilt is something he is manipulating you to feel. 'Feel sorry for me' is a common catchphrase when anyone decides to leave a toxic relationship, be it marriage or just child leaving toxic home. Think about the effect this situation is having on your kids too. They're actually more important than your selfish husband.

Lynda.

[Stuck82]

Hi pipsy. how do i go about changing my display name? Ive tried but i can't seem to find it. I have done the pros and cons with my psychologist and there areway more cons. I just can't seem to.make a decision though. I know what i should do but feel very anxious in doing so. Fearful of the unknown i guess. I would feel guilty cause im breaking up my family. My psychologist says i live in the thought of wanting a happy family and am waiting for it but to her unless there is change we will never be a happy family. I know whats happening and i know i need to make a decision but i find it extremely difficult of all the what ifs.. i wsnt him to compromise, i want him to be a great dad who wants to be with his kids ALL THE TIME. But will it ever happen... probably not.. i have sat down and told him that its a complete turn off and so disappointing when he says he doesn't have weekends for him and that he's always got the boys. He hardly ever has them in my opinion. My problem is i try to justify everything and its exhausting. But what is stopping me from standing up for myself and telling him its over? I have been a door mat all our relationship, Agreeable, a push over... ive completely lost who i am. how much more can i take before i have enough! I know its not a healthy relationship for our children that alone should help me get up with them and walk out the door but it doesn't. I feel i have been pushed and manipulated so much ive just believed it... i don't feel strong enough...

[Chris_B]

Hi Stuck82, it's not possible for you to change your own display name, but if you get in touch with us privately with your preferred alternative we can change it for you.

[pipsy]

Hi H. You sound very much the 'battered wife', which in essence you are. You are an emotionally battered wife. Your scars are internal. You keep hoping things will get better, he will change. Bottom line, you are the only one who can make a change to your life. He might change, he won't stay 'changed' for long. Husbands who habitually beat their wives, always promise, 'they will NEVER do it again', they then go on to say, 'why do you make me do that?' Wives do their best to stop the beatings, they make promises to be better, take more responsibility for the assaults. You won't change him, you can't, that's his department, all you can do is take responsibility for you and the kids. You say you don't want to break up your family, the only 'family' you need to consider is you and the kids. I know the thought of leaving, packing, etc is scary. I did it last year, I was terrified. Tell you what, it was the best thing I ever did. My kids are older, live their own lives, but the support they have shown is amazing. You will get heaps of support here, your parents, your own kids will probably be appreciative knowing they don't have to listen to mum and dad fighting. It's possible your kids may feel a bit to blame (they're not, we all know that), but kids quite often believe if they had been better behaved, mum and dad wouldn't be fighting.

What's in it for you to stay? What do you gain from leaving? No changes if you stay. If you leave, self respect, love from kids, peace, no more having to justify - anything. Your own person, boss of your destiny, life.

Lynda.

[Doolhof]

Hi There,

Just a couple of things, Christopher has given you the option to change your title if you wish to. Use the email contact on this site and he should be able to arrange that if you wish you. I guess the suggestion to change the title is to make you feel more empowered and positive within yourself.

Another thing, it takes a little while for your posts to come up on the forum. You may have noticed a little blue bus above my name, Pipsy's and Neil's. This means that we are part of a peer support group here on the forums, so our posts come through a lot quicker than other people's do.

You may send in a post but it may take hours to come up. Don't worry about that, it is the same for all others using this forum. The forum is not instantaneous like email and other forms of electronic communication.

That is it for the technical side of things!

I will start another post as a reply to you.

[Doolhof]

Me again!

I do understand in some ways your reluctance to leave, you have explained that very well, in wanting a dream to be lived out in reality! I too have felt and in some ways still feel that way.

My husband can be very dominating and suspicious as well. He can be insecure and unsupportive. I realise I can not change him in any way, as I have chosen to stay in our marriage, I need to be strong, be me and learn how to be assertive.

When my husband was being nasty, I would just walk away from him and find something to do that would help me release the tension I was feeling, like gardening or cleaning. The physical activity helped.

Then I started doing things I wanted to do like go to the beach by myself, catch up with girlfriends, booked a weeks holiday on a river boat by myself, joined a volunteer group.

The more I stood up for myself, the more he understood I meant what I was saying and I think I gained more respect as well from him.

My husband came to counselling with me twice, told the counsellor all the things that I was doing wrong, that it was all my fault and that was that. As far as he was concerned the problem was solved. I tend to think your husband might do the same thing or something similar.

People have already given you great suggestions and ideas on how to think about leaving or staying.

I would just like to add, maybe phone legal aid/ Relationships Australia or an organisation like that to find out what your rights are regarding the sharing of assets. I don't really know who you should contact, but these organisations might be able to point you in the right direction if that is the path you choose to take.

In the mean time, I would like to suggest that you really try to get back onto one of your horses and go for a ride!

Wishing you all the best and happy riding! I would love to join you!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Apollo_Black]

Hey there

I don't have a miracle solution, but maybe you could take some pressure off by taking the kids to your parents for the weekend. You could have a little time out, so could your husband. Ultimately he needs to come to marriage counseling with you. If he definitely won't come then he'll need an ultimatum. He may be more talk than anything - if he knows you're serious perhaps he may be more willing...

Do your psychologist or GP have an opinion on what you should do? Do you share the GP? Could this be an avenue to your husband? Regardless it sounds like you need to get more done for yourself. There's a guy called Athol Kay you could check out - although mainly for married men a whole heap of women parcipitate on his forum and you may get some useful advice there. Just google his name. Why would you like to get a tattoo??