Lost at what to do anymore

[Louise33]

I'm new here & to all of this, I'm at a loss and don't know what else to do
My husband of 5 years (together 16) has a problem with porn & chat sights, to the point
I'm feeling neglected & unloved & feeling like I don't matter
What so ever, I have confronted him about it all about 12 months ago and told him
How I feel & that I love him and don't want to be without him but if this keeps up
I'm done! He cried & said sorry & we spoke it through for hours, things went back to
Normal... but now I'm pretty sure it's back to where we where before I found out everything!
If I bring it up he gets all shitty & walks away and won't talk about anything, we have a child who is 4 so things are tense and we don't talk about serious stuff until our babe is in bed. I just can't help that think it's gone next level & maybe he's cheated on me or is cheating, I just don't know there's so much more to this story but it's late & I'm upset tonight so can't put my words together. I understand men watch porn that's fine but this is just ridiculous !! If I try to seduce him he's "not in the mood" but yet I get up too grab a drink at 1am & he's sitting there watching porn, like I'm your damn wife 😞

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Louise,

I really feel for you...I feel your hurt and feelings of sadness, rejection and betrayal in your words...

I would think it maybe feels as though your husband has “chosen” those websites and videos over you. That would really, really sting...

I think you were very brave to confront him 12 months ago. But now, it seems like he has returned to his old viewing habits, and seems very defensive and non-communicative about it...

I don’t know too much about this area, but I feel maybe your husband has, in a manner of speaking, replaced aspects of reality with fantasy. Replaced real-life intimacy with some fantastical version of it that he watches...lost in a screen and make-believe.

I’m not sure what would help, but I wonder if perhaps you might consider couples counselling? It’s up to you if you feel that is suitable or not, but I thought that I would throw the idea out there anyway,..

Also, you might be interested in giving Relationships Australia a call. You should be able to find their details on their website (if you’re interested). They have a range of services like counselling, family dispute resolution, etc. I figured that I might mention them as well, just to give you a couple of options.

I’m thinking of you today and sending you my kind thoughts. If you feel up to it, but there’s no pressure of course, let us know how things go with your husband. There are many caring people here on the forums who are reading along.

Warm thoughts,

Pepper

[Louise33]

Thank you so much! I have defiantly though about relationships Australia & I think it's my only option left really, your so right though, he's stuck in a world of prtend and made up scripted stuff & doesn't want what we have because whatever he's watching is more appealing it seems, I know we all have fantasies and I know what his are which is even scarier to think about because I'm not about he thinks he wants! He knows that & is apparently ok with it, it also always comes back onto me that it's half my fault too because I don't show any affection apparently but that's not true at all. I really don't want this to break us because as I said i do love him so damn much but this just isn't ok

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Louise,

Thank you so much for writing back. It’s good to hear from you again. Hopefully you’ll find Relationships Australia helpful and that they’ll be able to point you in the right direction on how to deal with all of this.

I think it’s very sad and hurtful that he’s blaming you. I feel it’s hurtful enough as it is that he’s escaped into a fantasy world online, but to then also be casting blame just adds insult to injury...

Although I wonder if part of his blaming you is that it’s his way of denying that he has a problem. I suppose a little like, I’ll point my finger at someone else to avoid having to look in the mirror and face up to my own actions. Sorry, I’m not sure if that mentality is part of it. It may or may not be, but I thought to share my thoughts anyway...

I think you’re very strong and handling things as best you can. You clearly love him very much, and want to overcome this big hurdle.

I’m thinking of you, and if you want to, please feel free to give us an update or write whenever you need to vent or just to chat.

Kind and caring thoughts.

Pepper