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Lost and broken after partner left me to sort his mental health out.

DaisyP
Community Member

Hello all,

My partner of all together 4 years decided to call it quits with me about 6 weeks ago now. His reasons were around his recent job loss, he lost everything he had worked towards and life broke him and he lost himself in the process. I understood this as I was there through everything supporting him financially, emotionally mentally etc because I knew we would eventually get out of this and things would be better. But instead he opted for a complete reset of his life to find himself again and unfortunately for me this meant throwing away our life that we were building. This obviously shattered me, we packed up our house and parted ways after a week of this decision, and then came the rush of roller caster emotions. Sometimes Id lash out because of how much pain I was and still am in and question everything. His words were starting to not match his actions. He started erasing me from his social media and also stopped talking to me as often but still told me he was in love with me and that I am still the one for him, but then all that would do is confuse me because how do you do this to someone you are in love with? How can you be ok with erasing them completely. I feel like I meant nothing too him and that our relationship meant nothing if he could get rid of me this easily and quickly, although he claims this was the hardest decision he had ever made and that there was no other way to ensure that he could get better. We have now started no contact and how do you go from talking to the same person everyday for 4 years, seeing them, sleeping with them, being intimate etc to nothing? He said the relationship wasn't the problem and that he was happy with me but was unhappy with the rest of his life, so then why leave me? I am struggling mentally even though I have supports in place, nothing seems to alleviate my anxiety or the pain of grieving the loss of the life we were building together. I am trying to move on and heal and work on myself and I have been hanging out with friends and family but I only miss him more in those moments. None of this stops the unhappiness I feel in the pit of my soul having to live my life without him apart of it. I have constant intrusive thoughts of him moving on with other women and it kills me. I feel like he is happier without me and that I am the only one suffering because it all seemed too easy for him to just forget me. I don't know how to just let go and leave things to chance. 😞

3 Replies 3

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi DaisyP,

This sounds like a really difficult and isolating time. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult time for your partner and it must be really hard to comprehend and process the separation in that context. It sounds like you care for him deeply and are trying to be supportive and understanding through this, but it’s also hard to manage your own wellbeing through such a big change. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

Is there anyone that you feel able to talk to about this? It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT). There’s also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time.

It’s also really important to check in with yourself while you’re going through this, so it might be good to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. There’s a really useful part about how it can affect relationships which might be useful to you, too.

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, it must have been difficult to write this post but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience. Please keep sharing whenever you feel comfortable to do so. We hope our warm and kind community will spot your post and offer their support soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear DaisyP~

I'm very sorry to hear you are in this situation, it really is heartbreaking. Not something you deserve at all, quite the opposite with all the support you have given him.

I don't know what conclusions you can draw from my own expereice, mainly because people react in different ways, however it might give you some idea.

I gradually became more and more depressed - plus a couple of other conditions - due to my work, and in the end lost my job, and seemingly any hope of any future.

This so overwhelmed me I found it harder and harder to be with my partner and family, I kept withdrawing further and further away. Not that I left home, just that I wanted very badly to be left alone, people, even ones I'd loved, were too hard to deal with -though no fault of theirs.

Actually I reached the stage where I did not know if I loved anyone - or was even capable of love.

There was no 'hard decision' involved, it was something that gradually took over and I was carried along by it.

Later, wiht time and the correct medical support I became better and recovered to the extent my family life could resume and I returned to being a loving person.

So there are differences from your circumstances, what that means I'm afraid I don't know. All I do know is that life can sometimes lead a person to find relationships too hard to endure, no matter how good they may have been.

I guess time and his future conduct may help you decide what has really happened. It's very hard to bear either way, and those horrible thoughts of him starting another relationship are only natural.

I'm glad you are getting out with friends and being supported, I would think the more you have to take you out of yourself the better you may feel, it seems the right thing to do.

Please let us know how you are getting on

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello DaisyP, when something like this happens we can't understand why, because the two of you have been so close for 4 years and now suddenly it seems as though it means nothing, I wish there was an easy answer that was suitable for people to accept, may be there is, although I'm not a doctor to say.

When someone you love is engulfed with any type of depression it's so upsetting because no one, not you, nor he can understand why this has to happen, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it's just that it's so hard for him to say it, like he once did before, it's not his fault, but the illness.

To say that he wants to leave can be a usual reaction, only because he doesn't want to make you feel the same as what he's going through, unfortunately, this still happens.

Being alone means no questions are asked because he doesn't have any answers to them, so being by himself, he can think of some different options to consider although this isn't easy for him.

It still means that at a time when he feels desperate, he may want to contact you, as I used to do with my wife many times.

If you can try and let him talk about anything, if this does happen, then you might be able to understand what is troubling him.

Remember you have to look after yourself as well and if it's possible to have a talk with your doctor, who may suggest different options to help you.

Concerned for you.

Geoff.