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Longterm friendship over

Community Member

I've been noticing my depression/anxiety has been a bit affected lately, due to the fact that a friendship that I had for 12 years suddenly seem to change overnight and I had a tough call to end it completely when I wasn't ready. (I had to do this for my health) I thought writing my thoughts and sharing how I feel may help.

I was penfriends (wrote emails) with someone for a long time, normally sending emails once a week, although this naturally changes a bit when things get busy. He is married but its always just been a friendship and we'd say simple things like 'how has your week been?' or 'have you got any plans for the holidays?' Very basic stuff, but we have also met a few times and I even went to his wedding. For me it was only friendship though.

I think I am just baffled that when he got a new job things seemed to change over night and this isn't like him. He used to be a very caring person and always made an effort and then it was like he just gave up on a friendship when this new job came in. Could it be greed? Putting his job first to get to the top?

I dont feel I can talk to my mum about it either as she says 'what, you're still friends with him?' like my friendship shouldn't matter. I am considering seeing a psychologist as I think it would help and I just wanted to know if there's any advice for dealing with these things in the mean time. Im going to try exercising this weekend and I find singing helps me deal with emotions too, but any other advice would help too.

4 Replies 4

Community Member

Hi Gloria. I'm concerned about this friendship with a married man. Is his wife aware that you are still contacting each other? I know you said you went to the wedding, but if she believes there's been little/no contact, then has discovered you are still in touch, this could've caused real problems. Are you certain about his job situation? He could be making excuses to you to get you to stop emailing. Rather than tell you his wife is unhappy about the correspondence, it might be easier to say he has a different job with more responsibilities. I think a psychologist would be a great place to talk about how you are feeling. I also feel that no more emailing would be more beneficial.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey Gloria,

So long as your friendship is purely platonic (including no adults only stories and/or sexting), I don't think the other party being married is an issue. It is perfectly okay for married people to be friends with non-married people, even of the opposite gender; to think otherwise reflects on ones own insecurities. That said, however, you need to be cognizant of any insecurities his wife may hold.

Being that he has recently changed jobs, and depending on what he does for a living, his putting more time and focus into work is a normal activity; particularly during the initial 6 month probationary period where they can drop you for any reason whatsoever. I wouldn't read too much into that.

You said that sometimes you write less often if things are busy for you, it may just be that things are overly busy for him. There may be other factors that you are not aware of. He could be having trouble with his email server, or computer is busted. If you have alternate communication channels, perhaps try one of them. If not, patience is a virtue; and persistence usually pays off.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Gloria, good replies from Lynda and SB, but if you put yourself in his wife's position I'm sure that you would certainly want him to stop communicating with another female, I'm sure I would want it to end, even though it was harmless.
I'm just concerned that he is playing to what he actually wants, that's if his wife doesn't know, even so it would be a good idea to talk with a psychologist, because there will be a lot of hurt and so much disappointment that you could be suffering from. Geoff. x

Community Member

Hi all,

Thanks for the advice. I am feeling a bit better about it today and seeing that there may have been issues for a while. Pipsy I think you may be right about issues with the wife. Although purely platonic, I didn't like that he would email me from work and not from his home account, it felt like he was hiding something. I tried to reduce how much we communicated (started with once a month) but once he stopped communicating all together I realised that it was probably wise to end the friendship as I felt like it was getting complicated. As for his job, I dont think he was lying about that.

The advice has helped me see that there have been problems for a while and I wasnt just imagining it, so thanks for the honesty 🙂