Longdistance

Guest221 · ‎16-10-2017

Hi. I’m new to these forums and don’t really have many people to talk to, so if anyone is going through similar problems or has tips on how I can help myself and my relationship I would appreciate it

I have been in a relationship for 4 years and the last year been in a long distance relationship. It’s very hard at times, especially with the feelings of jealousy and loneliness. Some days I can deal with it but others I feel like a total wreck. I don’t really have many friends so I feel like I’m constantly alone even though I have family that love me I don’t want to worry them with my problems. Whenever me and my partner argue it’s always over the same issues, and both agree that we both don’t handle an argument well and are both hot tempered. I have never really spoken to anyone about it, but just recently my partner has been telling me that he thinks I have anxiety especially because I just dwell on the problems and constantly feel uneasy. Always overthinking small things and it’s starting to affect my life and also because I’m not in a fulltime work place I have a lot of time to myself which I find, at times to be too much because I just can’t stop overthinking and make problems between us worse. He knows I have always been this way but i have not been told by a doctor or anyone that I actually have anxiety. But the more I research I’m beginning to believe I do. I really love my boyfriend and I don’t want to drag him down with me so can anyone give me any tips?

Croix · ‎16-10-2017

Dear Guest221~

I'd like to welcome you here to this Forum and think it's a pretty good first step. Many people find a long distance relationship is a very hard thing to live with, particularly if you have have years of being close before. All things you have become used to, from a touch to the sound of someone in the house, are all absent. We don't realize how much we rely upon these until they are gone.

Arguments, and you say they are over the same things, are so destructive and really do need to be toned down. One rule my partner and I always stick with is to never say anything so hurtful (or so true) it can't be taken back. This not only makes exchanges less hurtful, but also supplies a measure of comfort in that one knows the other person is holding back out of love.

All feeling and worries you have at the moment do sound like anxiety, I have it myself. beyondblue has the self-test for that and depression here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

I'd stress this is only a very rough guide to how oyu are feeling, only a doctor can really diagnose. If it was me I'd book a long consultation with your GP and set out what's been happening. If you think you won't remember all the symptoms and problems then write everything down first and share the paper.

I don't know your family of course but I do know that being able to talk over problems with someone else can make a real difference and help lift some of the weight off your shoulders. Perhaps you could open up a bit, most people want to help those they love after all.

If you like you could have a look at the information on anxiety in The Facts menu above and maybe also see here in the Forum to see how other have coped.

It would be realy good if you felt like talking more

Croix

Guest221 · ‎17-10-2017

Thankyou for your advise and the links and info you have given. It definitely is hard being away from someone you love for months at a time.

When we do argue it usually is over communication with each other. If I start to feel uninvolved in his life or seeing him on social media doing everything he used to do with me, but with his friends..and other girls it hurts to see. I start not wanting to even answer his calls, which I know is horrible when you are away from each other for so long. And I guess doing that creates tension and confusion for us both, because a lot of the time I won’t emphasise how much it can hurt me. Another thing is, he will be living in another state for the remainder of his career and we were always taking it day by day. But it’s starting to really play through my mind that there are no future plans for us, like moving in together or starting a future together. And it’s always a “see what happens”. I know that my anxiety is a big reason for not having that commitment. He doesn’t want to make promises he can’t keep and move me away from family and I know he doesn’t think we are strong enough.. I know if it keeps going that way and if he has to keep treading lightly we won’t last much longer. We are still together because the love is still there, we care about each other and we have a lot in common. I think I will book in an appointment and get this sorted, I think it’s a big step but it will help me and my partner out in the long run 🙂 Thankyou for all your advise I appreciate it

Croix · ‎17-10-2017

Dear Guest221~

I'm glad something we said struck a bell. I guess in some ways it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation. You have anxiety and believe that holds your relationship back. On the other hand it is very hard to see where the relationship is going and that gives you anxiety.

Having an open-ended situation with no definite plan to get together frankly does not sound good to me. I simply could not do that. I also have the feeling - tell me if I'm mistaken - that this is all a bit one-sided.

He's furthering his career, is settled elsewhere and has a social life with male and female friends. You are in part time work and expected to join him away from your family. Unlike him you don't seem to have the same full social life.

You've said you suspect that the relationship might fall apart if things go on as they are. So even though it might seem hard if it was me I'd be trying to sort out how to fix things.

Getting your anxiety under control and on the mend is probably the most important thing you can do for your own future welfare however that is not going to solve the basic situation in your relationship -that you are apart.

Is there some way you can join your BF, but not completely burn your bridges so that if things go wrong you can return?

Croix

Guest221 · ‎19-10-2017

Hi Croix-

I called my partner and we had a long chat about our relationship. It began with both of us uncertain that keeping our relationship going was a good thing and that if we end things we would still remain friends. We talked about everything including the anxiety I go through over a lot of things and I believe doing that has helped, we both understand each other a little better and know that we have some things to work on. The main thing for me to do is to work on myself and that begins with me finding full time work and getting out more with friends.

We decided to continue our journey together, and are planning to see each other at Christmas, he has said he’s excited to see me which is something I needed to hear. We both have said that we had some negative thoughts about distance and if it’s worth it but realised that we do make each other very happy and if we work together we can give it one last crack. I also brought up my sadness that I am not apart of his future & that after 4 years I feel disposable. I now understand more clearly that it’s something that if we both work on ourselves and really try; that things will change. He has said that he will have me visit more often to see how we go as we have never lived together and with my anxiety and past fights over my insecurities it has caused us to not be as strong as we could be. Every other aspect of our relationship is strong which is the glue holding us together. Thankyou for your straight forward advise it has helped push me to just be up front, face my fears and talk about the anxiety. It makes it more real for me but I think doing that and seeking help is the first 2 important steps of us moving forward. Fingers crossed

guest221

Croix · ‎19-10-2017

Dear Guest221~

I'm pleased yo were able to have a frank talk and see a way forward together. As someone who has been lucky enough to have had two loving partnerships I know it is well worth a great deal of struggle.

The idea of full-time work, provided it in itself does not provide too much stress sounds a pretty good idea as does socializing more.

Seeking help can make a big difference too.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

Jessicatherese94 · ‎19-10-2017

Hi Guest, thanks for sharing your story. I definitely agree with Croix in perhaps booking an appointment with a doctor to discuss your anxiety. Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life or does it seem to be just with your partner? In previous relationships did you feel this way? I know a really great app called Booster Buddy it has helped me so much with anxiety. You and your partner sound like you can communicate frequently and very well so that's awesome. It's also great you've made plans to see each other over Christmas. Did you speak to him about how you feel uninvolved in his life or how you feel when you see photos of him with his friends? I think maybe having a chat to someone objective (i.e. a counsellor or psychologist) who can offer you some coping strategies to deal with those feelings might really help. Wishing you all the best.

Guest221 · ‎20-10-2017

Hi Jessicatherese94

I definitely plan on speaking to a professional about this. Posting on a forum and getting some advice was the first step as I know I’ll find it very difficult talking to someone about it face to face.

I have always been a very shy and reserved person, and in my eyes believe I noticed it during my relationship. I also think it’s the reason I find it hard to find a job because I tend to overthink too much about it and scare myself off, I have been in retail for the last 6 years and I think that it has helped me with social anxiety but I still find it hard to make friends and actually put the effort in incase I get rejected or I’m not liked.

I am in my early 20s and this is my first real relationship, I have never had experience beforehand but he had been in a long term relationship before me that apparently went downhill and tends to relate a lot of his fears (partly commitment) to his past and puts it on me

I have spoken to him about those issues. He reassures me that him going out and posting it on social media, although it seems like it sometimes he isn’t trying to rub in the fact that he has a life and I don’t. I can just feel very left out and alone and I guess seeing it can emphasis those feelings

I have spoken to him about feeling uninvolved previously and as soon as I do, he puts noticeable efforts in to keep me in the loop. It upsets me because I shouldn’t have to ask but I know he gets busy and try’s his best so I have to take things like that into account.

Also I will look up the app you suggested, thanks for your comment and advise 🙂

Guest221

Jessicatherese94 · ‎22-10-2017

Hi Guest221, awesome idea on speaking to a professional and good on you for taking these initial steps. I'm sure they will be able to help you not only with your relationship but also your anxiety around finding a new job and stepping out of your comfort zone. Feel free to write back at any time. 🙂 J.