Lonely, lost and in need of some help
I need some help. I live interstate, all my family live in Sydney. I have two friends here, one of which is having a baby and at times i feel used by her. I am in a job which i find isolating and because i travel so much, i have found it very difficult to make friends and find a solid ground in Perth. I need to make changes in my life - and I am aware of this...
I am in a relationship with a man who is 13 years my senior, we have been together for about 9 months. I know he loves me, and has told me a million times he would marry me. I want these things so badly too - just not with him. He has made me feel like he is all i have, and although i have removed myself from him many times he always finds a way back in…perhaps because i feel like he is all i have. When he calls or asks me to do something - i say yes and let him back in. I think he manipulates my kind heartedness and my caring nature. He has turned up at my work a few times unannounced, has turned up at my house, one time made me feel like he would hurt me yet makes me feel happy when i am with him because i have someone to be with and hang out with.
I was at dinner with him the other night, and a few of his friends were there, and i looked around and felt sad because i thought this is not my life. This is not me and i cannot be around older men .. 50 + for the rest of my life.
He has not helped me in Perth with finding friends, and has not introduced me to anyone or anything here. I feel increasingly isolated and alone. When family or friends come to visit me he is unhappy about this and makes me feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than himself.
I need help to find myself again,i have lost my spark and my light. No one understands and i feel like i have nothing.
my thoughts are irrational, i know I am so lucky and blessed and i need to let him go but i am scared.
Any thoughts and advice i would love.x
Apollo. Thank you.
When he said that I was startled, and didn't say very much. I just said "oh well, I don't know about that" or something of that nature….? I
He just sent me a poem just before which lists out why we are meant to be together and how we will have children together etc…things he knows I want. Saying that he thought he knew what life was about before he met me .
These things make me feel like I am being awful breaking up with him. And that I am wrong
He is manipulating me I feel it.
I agree with Apollo. Can you arrange a break to go to Sydney. Especially if you don't feel safe. Mums know best. Please be careful. Apollo has give you some great advice.
If Sydney is not an option, is there anyone you could stay with for a few days or so. It might be the only way to stop him hassling you. Putting some time between you might take some heat out of the situation. If you think this is good idea, there are always places available cheap on air b&b.
You seem to have a good relationship with your mum. Keep talking to her, or phone other family or friends to pass some of the lonely time. You don't have to talk about him, just call for a 'chat' and a catchup. It might stop you thinking about it all.
Please let us know what is happening. There might be other options if we know more details or if things change.
Thankyou for your reply.
I am going away for 3 weeks starting on Thursday. I do not want to speak with him for that time. It is over.
He sends me these desperate toned text message - Talk to me/ Please tell me you see our future / I don't want to lose you.
Which worry me. And then I want to make sure he is alright
All this does is cause me extra stress.
Boo. It is all too hard.
I think the stress is manifesting physically.
Good news. 3 wks is a long time, a lot can change in that time. Stick to your guns.
If you feel the urge to text back to him, try writing here instead.
He will try to make you feel guilty. He will try to make you worried. This is a common tactic. Don't fall for it.
You are not responsible for his actions.
Turn your phone off. What you don't know can't hurt you. Anxiety & stress can cause serious physical problems. Just read the anxiety threads. Truth in the saying, 'worry yourself sick.'
Try to keep busy. Be mindful. Keep your mind active on positive things. Plan for your new future. The 'smiling mind' app is great. It really helps with relaxation and mindfulness. Do you have a pc or tablet. Put it on there, so you don't need to turn on your phone.
Dont let your guard down. Eventually he'll get the message and realise it is pointless. You need to be stronger than him. You've got the smarts. Don't let him see any chinks in your armor, cos he is a master player.
Just get through til Thursday. I hope he has no idea that you're going away. Maybe he is just going through the denial stage of grieving for the relationship, so with this time he will come to accept it and let you live your life. That's how it should be.
Sending Power to you c.
Apollo. Thankyou for your note
I am ok. I am overseas at the moment, with mum mum. And i am trying my best to have a good time.
i can't help but feeling sometimes like i will never find anyone who loved me like he did.
silly i know
i am all alone now. really.
my mum has noticed i seem very vague and distant, probably because i am at such a low
he kept sending me these messages… don't ignore me, i love you. silly - i told him i was away and i was not ignoring him. he suggested coming to here.
i said no.
i feel like i am so low, and that i am destined to be alone forever.
but i need to remember why he's not right for me .
funny you say that lee, i am relaxing and enjoying some sunshine today.
i feel so sad, mum has noted how distant and vague i seem and that i do not partake much in social interactions - i feel so sad though and alone
she said this man has taken my vivaciousness and my spark
i am trying, but i can't help but feeling i am destined to walk the earth alone
no one understands and gets me
i am not looking forward to going to Sydney much - although i will see a psychologist there to help me
i feel like i will never find anyone who loved me like he did
alas, though he was not right for me
It is understandable that you have lost your spark, at the moment. You will need to grieve for the relationship too.
It was not the right match. You no longer love him, you must be honest with yourself. A life with him is not the life you wanted or deserve.
I know how it is to feel so alone & that you'll never meet anyone else. Please know & believe that these feelings will pass.
You need to have time out to deal with everything, which is what you are doing now. It is hard, but keep going. Do not contact him, as that only prolongs the pain that you must go through. When your mind and heart are ready you will be able to look up & around you and notice all of the nice people in the world. Then your heart will be open and you will be ready to connect with someone who really shares YOUR hopes and dreams.
A favorite saying of mine is "sunshine always follows rain"