Lonely and unmotivated

[Simply39]

Hi all,

I'm not 100% sure if I have anxiety, depression, both or even a combination of things (personality-wise) at this point. But wanted to say hi.

Diagnosed with depression 4 years ago after some bullying in my previous job, couldn't work out if it really was. I never experienced hopelessness etc. Meds helped stabilise the moods, but I lack motivation, dedication, now, even confidence.

I came on here because my partner doesn't understand my feelings. I have intense feelings of loneliness a lot, even when he's around and particularly at home (family in NZ, dad unwell, friends who don't really talk to you since you left the country!). He says "go find some friends", - is it that easy?

He goes online to play games with his friends, I sit around like a dork. He laughs with them, jokes, while I interact with the kids (he does too, very good dad), read, draw and write. I'm taking art classes online and while that's fun it's not laughing out loud make you feel good friend fun, its for peace of mind... I feel envy, maybe even jealousy because he's engaging with them and not me... 😞 (silly isn't it?)

I used to have such a good bunch of friends back home in NZ, loved art, music, walking the dog, and I was very social. Now though, I'm coming up 40 next week and I can't even remember the last time we (partner and I) were invited anywhere together. I haven't been to someone's house for weeks, months even. Not even for a BBQ, new years, birthday celebrations...

We try to go on dates, but we just sit asking questions about the kids...? I can't keep up with some of the stuff he talks about and when I talk about something he says "not interested", or "where did you hear that?"...

He goes out with his work buddies, stay home with the kids. He comes home late hours and then he's no use to me or the kids the next day. LOL* (self-inflicted of course). I put my first piece of art into an exhibition a few months ago and asked him to come with me, he hated every second of it - couldn't wait to leave. Never said he was proud, or great work...any of that. he reckons I shouldn't need it. I felt disheartened. I wanted him to say something.maybe the issue is we aren't compatible?

The other issue is I can't stand much noise, someone talking while the TV is on and there is music in the background...(for example) Lights.. clicking pens, running water, taps dripping?

I'd love to hear how others have coped with this type of situation.

Thanks,

[Croix]

Dear Simply39~

Welcome here. I can't say if you are depressed or not, though I do think an extended visit to your GP to be diagnosed might be wise. If you are it may be a cause, or it may be a reaction to your current life.

It is pretty obvious that your home relationship has changed, probably for both of you.

In NZ you had a life full of supports; family, freinds, art, music, the dog and so on. All that has effectively gone. I know you can Skype now and again but it is not the same. Incidentally I'm sorry your dad is not well -an extra feeling of frustration and remoteness for you.

With all that gone it is no wonder you feel lonely, and trying to fill your life up with 'replacements' is not easy. Friendships are formed often over lifetimes, acquaintances are those you have just met.

Maybe when he first met you this was the person he saw -busy and supported. Now he sees a person on their own and unhappy.

It is true he does not sound the most sensitive of people, telling you to get more friends , you should not need art and ignoring you when playing games are inconsiderate to say the least.

On the other hand you both have a mutual set of feelings for the kids and he has tried to take you out on dates to try to make things better.

Have you considered couples counseling where both of you are guided to understand how the other feels and helped to find ways to lessen their pain and feel good? Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 might be a good start.

I cant help with the noise, I have an ear injury and cannot hold a conversion wiht background noise, perhaps having your ears tested as a first step might be appropriate. If that does not reveal anything maybe you will need to look further into it.\

Please let us know what you decide to do

Croix