living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Guest_1584]

On another note gf is still all over the shop.

l understand she's been through so much crap her poor head and thinking is just a mess. And now they're in lockdown anyway and borders are closed as we know and all kinds of bs sooooo, that all ices the cake nicely too right.

But l really can't get much out of her on the us or coming home thing atm . l'm not pressuring actually we haven't even talked about it it's just that thing her son said. But just tonight actually it sort of just come up buttttt, she's still everywhere, at least she touched on it though. And she still feels her cases will be coming up any day and she'll only get 1mth to 6wjs notice when they do, so she's worried she might be locked out again if she comes down when they notify her. Well that's one angle anyway. But she feels all nervous and so stressed as well and really can't think straight about anything atm

l don't know. Personally l think her cases will be well well into next yr , maybe even late next yr now , with all the covid stuff still well on going there's a huge back log. l do wonder though if there's more to it with us for her though. Maybe something she's not telling me l don't know it's just very odd l mean wouldn't you rather be waiting it out with your love and with a normal life and in our own place , than in the way she is and living up there. Buttttt, on one side of that l know too she's worried the cases won't go well either though and she is hoping to just know before we get involved again and l can well understand that , l've thought of it myself,.

lt's just that we can normally talk about anything but she's just been too stressed to cope and figure it out lately. She comes out with things along the way when she feels she can handle it just as she did tonight , so l've tried to just go on with my own things and be patient. She was there for the baby and that meant the world to her soooo, we see from here now l suppose but tonight she at least touched on coming back down again, and missing me and us and our life.

On another front l don't really wanna push it anyway l'm pretty superstitious and l just don't feel things like this should be pushed if they aren't just flowing of their own accord. And maybe if l did, her cases come up as soon as she gets back here anyway, or the cases don't go well , or maybe there's some other reason she just isn't meant to be coming back just yet , l don't know .

rx

[Guest_1584]

you know , l would say one thing but it's a big thing.

To this day gf still just amazes me , she just blows your mind. Her ways and her soul , her empathy , her depth , she really is an amazing being and of course they're some of the huge reasons l'm trying to ride this out. Those things with her, just just mean so much to me, they're so important to me , and l know damn well how rare they are , like many other things about her or maybe it's as much an us that just bring these things out in each other or our potential , as some couples just do. l only say that bc she's had a bad run in relationships and marriage , but with me , mannnn.

You know , ex and l always got along incredibly well , sadly things just went all wrong for many reasons inour later yrs , but we do again now though still to this day. Well we've had miles and miles of convo concerning things with my daughter lately bc we still work together very closely on all that.

Bur you , as gf and l have done so many times even through these times we've been having all this yr now , you know , if we need ea other about anything, we'll still call or message . She did just the other night about some stuff and l did tonight myself , just needed her for things with my daughter , just to talk. And as usual she just blows you away , l mean even more so than ex whom of course is d's mum and all , and she is fantastic with everything . But gf , man , she just has such an incredible way and views, thoughts , support , even with all she's going through herself.

It's just no wonder l'm trying to persist with things.

rx

[ecomama]

Hey rx

Indeed those qualities are rare, yes it's no wonder you're hanging in there.

If you wanted to break up, I'd support that. If you wanted to stick it out, I'd support that too!

I think we're all leaving it up to you where matters of your heart are concerned.

When you begin to talk about GFs qualities, your language begins to get a bit magical lol, kinda like you're in love with her or something.... am I close? hahaha.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh, it's NOT a funny situation to be in at all.

Love itself can be so simple, though our situations IRL are complex.
It's hard.

SO you sound warm and encompassing about it all atm. Is that how you're feeling?

How's the grandbaby going?
Are you going to be called Pop or Grandad or randomx?

It's late and I'm being silly.

Take care Pops!
EMxxxx

[CMF]

I hear you.

I get it.

I also support you whichever way you go.

Hugs

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya em and thanks as always.

Ya of course l love her wouldn't go through this for less for sure but at the same time l am very very subconsciously hold back bc of the situation , self preservation you know. But not with her as such in plans and stuff of course she knows all butttt, to myself mentally you know. lt's a shame l hate being like this but really l have no choice until there's some real light.

But yeah , she's a very special person in many ways. hAAA nah l'm always encompassing with us but at the same time yeah , l somehow manage to blend in the above too .

And thanks for the support very nice of you buttttt, l dunno. Of course l don't wanna break up but just how to handle things until as l say there's some light, God knows. l mean you can love as madly as you like but unfortunately until her cases are heard, well. But nah , l'm not looking or anything so to speak , although my daughters friend sure made me see a few things in a what if sense for sure.

Hiya cm and thanks very much for that it means a lot and is also really helpful .

l don't really know if l should be making decisions , l'm kinda hanging off right now though see what happens when the borders reopen and all the baby stuff has settled in.

Hope your ok , have a nice wkend guys eh , freezing here, goodie.

many hugs , rx

[Guest_1584]

lt's sad especially in the beautiful early yrs of a relationship but we've both been careful and controlling feelings since she left last time now and so for quite awhile now, we're both worried about that rug being pulled out .

Although she's still all over the shop and during insecure times l'm worried otherwise mostly l see later it's not really about feelings changing , not about me. But all her stresses and worries about US , as such and that damn rug , and her situation. Sadly we both almost run away when loves are spoken lately or slip out, because we just don't know .

rx

[Guest_1584]

l'm hesitant to mention this sorta stuff again sorrryyy, more card oddities. D's been home a lot being carless again and man , such a change , she's been such a sweetheart. We knew it would all help her but before we just couldn't slow her down but now she has to slow it down no choice being home a lot more. So she's been looking after herself better and eating well , sleeping regular , all this stuff helps manic you see , anyway , really proud of her.

But she did my Tarot, not to be mixed up with the last time l mentioned cards they were my cards which aren't Tarot , she only uses Tarot. Could believe it. l'm scared of anyone good doing my cards especially Tarot l don't like Tarot they give me the creeps butttt, l walked in and she'd done her own and told me and they were spot on so at a time like that is the best time to do a read soooooo, bit the bullet and she did mine. Low and be hold .

I mentioned here l think the last time with mine and they're still firmly stuck on this big love thing which l haven't been able to explain in 4yrs well, the Tarot brought up the exact same thing butttttt, one problem. They brought up two loves, 2 women. Well that's just great now l'm even more confused and just to ice the cake it was ex gf, and gf now, no doubt about it ,described to a T, Bloody hell.

Well they've said big love too , almost exactly as mine do , only mine aren't that specific, they can't tell me who , so there we have it we now have a who, ex and gf now. WTH am l suppose to do with that. Anyway the good news is it was a very very good hand and told of the storms passing soon and of a very happy and loving outcome. Ahhhhh, with someone , give me a name damn it.

But l swear l'm not going near Tarot again. Got lucky this time that's it, quitting while l'm ahead.

[Guest_1584]

Ps ,Not to sound insensitive especially to something like love, l was just saying some of those things above with a bit of a chuckle to myself that's all.

But alas , her deck has been in the family 30 yrs and gifted to her from her mum, so they're quite strong. And so when they talk of a happy and loving outcome, it carries a lot of weight. At least that's something .

rx

[Guest_1584]

Bit of a funny day yesterday , not really funny but just funny.

We were going up to our main town but the car wouldn't start so l tried calling my mate , use to be business partner , only friend l have here actually but he's brilliant with cars . Anyway he came over thankfully and got it going but the funny part was came in for coffee later and him and my daughter just boom, hit it off like a house on fire. Quite funny to watch but it did her so much good too and helped her confidence l could see it, she's so coming into her own when she's not manic , really proud of her. He's a big guy , pretty loud too but in a nice way not the other sort , but l thought he might've been a bit intimidating but here they are cackling away like they'd known ea other yrs. He knows the situation and had a real way and understanding with her. Anyway so later d and l drove up and had lunch with the whales , beautiful few hrs. The whales are coming through atm and one of my fav things is and having lunch with them. They know people come to watch and they show off , it's hilarious.

Forgot to add something about the Tarot , they said l know who it is and l already know the answer, well l wish they'd bloody told me about it. But they also said, weird , that l'm taking on too much of gf's worries and l need to stop it and be selfish. Make of all that what you do .

l know , people must think more crazy card stuff get a life for God sake and don't worry l'd agree actually. Ah well !

rx

[Guest_1584]

Been thinking a lot last wk or so.

l know there's a lot of ups and downs in my thoughts and posts , such is the situation with gf . As to cards and ex gf , can't see it or her back in anyway. lt's been a long time l have no idea of where she's even at in her life or anything else and my heart and hands have been filled with gf matters seems like forever since sooooo, take no notice . Cards do this stuff sometimes, who knows , you never know if anything means anything at all unless it actually turns out that way later on. Sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't.

Something l've thought about constantly mths now though so l'll try to explain bc if gf does come back down after the lock downs over it's a big thing.

l wonder how smart it would be her back her and us back into full swing both emotionally and life. Because if she does it'll be until her cases come up and so what if thats 3mths or 6 or 18 , the longer they take the further fully reinvolved we will be.

But what if her cases go against her and the rug is pulled out from under us . lt's like the choice between living a little then having to give it up and losing it all , or maybe not. l don't know whether to take that chance. Maybe she was right earlier about not risking our hearts until we know we can keep them and us . l don't know if she could take that and tbh if l could either .

Maybe it's better like this until we know . l just can't decide. l've thought a million times just do it, to hell with it all, just live and we'll hope for the best. But a million times too l've also wondered if maybe as we're use to being apart again now, maybe we should leave it and wait until we know.

rx