living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Guest_1584]

A friend said to me today , why don't you just marry her,?

Well hell yeah l would. But Advice is immigration will read it as a fake marriage and it could actually damage her case even more, Just to add , this was never a visa thing when we met , she had her visa in and all paid for , they'd spent 10k on it all up , 10k. It was suppose to be approved and cleared up 2yrs ago but first there was delays and then Covid. Thought l'd clear that up just to save any assuming bc it's probably buried somewhere way back in the thread somewhere now.

rx

[Guest_1584]

And also some interference from the ex.

Anyway , back to living alone. Strange not many have even talked about living alone l would've thought there'd be 1000s here living alone.

Not that there's that much to say about it l suppose. lt's been probably 8yrs now on off, a bit over l think, pretty bizarre. lf someone told me all this 20yrs ago l'd say no way. And l must admit , l've decided l don't want this alone life not if l have a choice anyway. Earlier after 22yrs married, l wasn't so sure . And l've had 2 beautiful women since and an opportunity to change it all right there both times. But it was too soon.

l feel like l can be a couple again now though , and l want too , want the life back, l feel ready ha, probably missed the boat.'

rx

[Guest_1584]

You see , it's no great world wonder wth l'm so confused with the whole gf situation.

You know , suddenly l hear from her and she sounds like my partner again. , other times she just sounds like some friend. Next time whenever , she doesn't even answer a message, for days maybe. She's seen them , but nothing.

We aren't officially on a break so to speak, l just decided to take my own break and it's like she'd hardly notice anyway. But she does know when l am backing away though and why, she just lets it go though anyway so there's no need to even mention it.

At any rate , once again feeling like l should take that proper break. This on off when l feel like it or when l don't stuff from her , is almost feeling like an insult these days. l worry she'll just go on and on with it too and another yr will pass like this.

l'm really not getting anything "us" , from her, nothing really , haven't for mths.

l dunno. rx

[Jstar49]

Heya,

Been a while. Nice to read that I was feeling positive about h back then actually, not so much now. Another day another ride!

I've had the worst case of flu ever, couldn't get off the couch- blahhh snot whaaaa!

Anyway, h isn't exactly the best in those sitches, so I'm back to feeling disgruntled. Guess we'll get over it. Or something.

Rx, Don't burn the cards, just stop reading them expecting them to tell you something different. Maybe.

I can hear that you don't want to trust in this girls feelings for you. Not unless you get the reassurance you crave. I get that. We all want to know, for sure, that someone loves us, wants to be with us. It's an ache, right?

Am I wrong ?

Thats how it is for me at least. And I figure, by his behaviour, thats how it is for my h. And the slightest bit of me having a bad day, or feeling...disgruntled becos he hasn't looked after me as well as I'd like, or him feeling like, I dunno, annoyed cos I'm taking up his couch (we have our own couches usually, but I can't sleep on mine so we kinda swapped)-not to mention the remote, and dominating the loungeroom- which of course is HIS zone! Anyway........What I'm trying to say is, we're getting on each others nerves and now I'm questioning the r/ship, and he's gone to bed shirty.

So I guess we're human, and we don't always send the 'right'messages, but if we can come back, and talk, and find that space which is safe, and right, and reaffirm our trust in each other, then it will be ok.

And it sounds like it's similar for you Rx.

Harder cos you don't get the face-to-face daily stuff, but also, maybe you can hold onto the romance a bit more too. I dunno, not really, but what I meant about the cards (and thx btw for the detailed explain) is that, love, real love, is kinda, unwavering. Sure we don't always FEEL like it's there, but maybe it's like the sun, and it will just turn around, or we'll turn around, and bam, there it is again, reliable as ever. Maybe the cards are saying, just love. Stop questioning your love, stop doubting it, stop basing your love on how she's feeling and thinking, cos you know what? If the stars align, then she won't be able to resist coming back your way, for good. And maybe all you need to do is hold the faith. And love.

There.

Schmaltzy and romantic, fool that I am (I drew that card A LOT in my prev life), love trumps all.

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Also-

I think I would live alone again pretty quickly, if I could.

I fantasise about just taking off, having a weekend to myself, without anyone needing me. Living alone I can handle. Living alone with a small child, not so much.

J*

[Guest_1584]

Ahh yessaa , taking up the couch , especially his couch , that's enough to divorce anyone.

Kidden , but it does tend to make us grumpy haha , even if she's sick, and selfish , bc we're shameless sometimes aren;t we eh, more kidden , but it's kind of reality too. Man last few yrs of marriage l'd dream of living alone again l really wasn't marriage material back then. Now l get 8yrs of it, well , with daughter and gf coming and going. Careful what you wish for. Best of both worlds really one could say though right , dunno what l'm complaining about.Well , it's been too long now and l'm ready again l guess But l get the feeling a wkend or two away or alone would cure you j , your not a lost cause like l was back then, you just need a break.And to feel the love . lt's so easy to slip into slack mode for us fellas , and a lot of women too.

Yeah , l need to feel it properly , she's been so on off and all over the shop, even though it was only a few wks ago she loves me with the same love of her son, couldn't get much more beautiful than that , but then she's off again, that;s the thing. l know where she is and what she's going through , no one could blame her, it's exactly like people here have explained, it's just that that then in turn leaves me everywhere too.but yeah it is very hard not being in person , she's normally about the most loving person you'd find.

Ha , you could be onto something with the cards you know. tjey must be talking about her though, it couldn;t be ex l worked out. lt could well be about holding on that could be why they persist with this, as in persist, hold course, hang in there.

Well if she'd steady up for awhile , better yet get her sexy little arse on a plane , it'd really help , yaknow.

rx

[Jstar49]

Hey,

yeah, the mood seems better now I’m off his couch. Seriously is a relationship tester! No kidding lol 🙂

women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without!
Same for men.
I'm never happy! I reckon the ideal would be my own place but with my h living in his own place in the same village. It might be more sexy, yknow. Like, I get tired of being taken for granted. Always doing the invisible work. Having the expectations of looking after everyones sox and undies, cook yummy dinners, have energy left at the end of the day to listen and care.
You’re right, I probably would come good after a couple days on my own. Maybe a week....

ahhh well. Grass is always greener over there....

when I was alone I wanted to be with someone. Be loved. Now I have a guy who says he loves me and I want to be alone!

it’s funny you say that about getting slack. I’ve been thinking on how to bring up that we need to spend time, talking, regularly. ‘Stress reducing conversations’ the marriage drs call it. But.... it’s like it’s a chore. I don’t want to see him sigh, groan, roll his eyes, do it but with a bad attitude.
But I feel so alone in this marriage.
Any ideas?

right now he’s on the phone to his mates. Has been for hours. Yet listening to me for ten minutes is too hard.
I guess talking shit to his mates is different than listening and showing empathy with me.
J*

[Guest_1584]

Hiya j.

Well , he was sounding open to getting things closer again earlier. But yeah the mates thing it's hard to know like is that all the time , just how he is mostly or is it only now and then or what ? Like some friend time is good for some but if it's all the time and zero interest at home or you guys that/s different .

For us the only convo we were having in the end was just lifes bs , bills , daughter, gotta do this gotta do that. Yet our literally best friendship and talking were always one of our biggest things , we'd often talk all night in bed. So when life just became all about life and mundane bs , it really damaged us. We lost touch with who we were as a couple and use to b.

l realized later if only we'd kept in touch with the US, effection, time together. talk , she would've loved to go out to tea, just us, walks again and early to bed and talk the way we use too, movies, lots of things. Everything anything, we'd lost touch, lost us.

Other couples have who knows what but that was ours and just some real time together again wouldn't made a huge difference.

l dunno about invisible , l do so much stuff round here outside and work and bills gf doesn't realize 3/4 of it and she's at it everywhere most inside too and the garden and stuff but l spose l'd probably miss 1/2 of that too, l dunno.But we're both really comfortable just doing whatever we do and we talk a lot too and pat ea other on the back haha .

rx

[Guest_1584]

Sorry too btw , that was some real ime together "would've " made a huge difference !

On my front , God l really hate this hanging onto one line , like a bread crumb thing, trying to figure it out when she's the way it is atm.

But we were talking about houses the other day l just asked her something and she said , l do think something small and easy would suit "us" , better . And you too bc your so sick of all the work at your place.

So at least there was still an "us " , for us - our place. ln that mind of hers.

l had to call her about something else that just come up , but we're still on our half a break thing . l keep saying to myself ok , drop this for awhile get on with life , see what eventuates later. But next minute she'll wanna talk to me about something or just seeing how l am , or me her. But eh , it is a 5% of what we're normally in touch so it is still a kind of break.

Staying a little bit in touch though at least , does seem to be keeping us in there though l must admit , one of us is always thinking of the other, both really , so that's a good thing. Maybe this wk l'll launch into my real break haha buttttt, we see.

rx

[Jstar49]

Hey Rx,

Yeah all of that stuff- the dinner out together, the walks, movies...all with real attention and caring, is exactly what I'm trying to encourage, without being boring about it. It's so hard when life is just sucking the juice out of you, hard to have anything left over for r/ships. Now that I'm back working its making it real. Out times are so opposite too- hes an early bird, I'm a night owl.

Anyway he apologised to me this morning, a real apology, and I mentioned my desire to spend time talking, not when he's halfway out the door, but making time for it. He agreed so we'll see. Turns out last night may have been partly him defusing some stress cos of a work sitch, so a 'stress reducing convo' could be just the solution. Stop him burying it in beer for it to come out in a nasty way later.

Ha lol- your break with gf sounds a bit like what I was expecting. If it helps you to disengage a bit more while you're apart tho, then I guess it's working.

The small mention of us is indeed encouraging- hang in there mate. Focus on the unconditional nature of love, and be sure to keep being the guy she loves, not the guy that uncertainty may be creating.

Cheers,

J*