living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Jstar49]

Hey,

I can soo feel those feelings you're talking about! I guess from my own experiences in the past. Relationships which didn't work out.

But hey, I can also relate thru my own current relationship, which atm is experiencing a new solidity and rightness and unity of purpose......

So this is definitely not me saying- yeah, cut loose man.

Question- don't you think you need to be friends in a relationship? I mean, it's not highly 'romantic' but many long term r/ships state that they are each others best friend.

And I know with my H, at times we are all these different things to each other. Like, I'm his business partner (and I am), we are co-parents, even when we are in the middle of an argument we have to be there for her. Sometimes we are just getting thru the daily grind of work and life and getting food on the table together.

The r/ship part which is the more bonded, married part takes a lot of work, and we have to fit in time for that as well. And tbh, I'm the one who does most of that work, and reads all the stuff which helps me with ideas of what we need to aim for, or work on.

An idea. What is it that, for you, would help you feel more connected to gf?

Date night? (Em touches on this sometimes with her LD r/ship)

A regular night once a week to talk and laugh/cry and catch up? Might need boundaries on what is good to stick to, and what to avoid talking about. Like, we don't talk about our problems on date night 🙂

It does sound like, when you doubt her feelings for you, she questions them herself. Could be neither of you know what the future will hold, but it's like a rainbow. If you chase it, it will be impossible to find.

Just thoughts.

J*

[CMF]

Very valid thoughts rx. It's during the tough times we see people's true colours.

Idon't think it's fair on you to be kept on a string for so long.

What's keeping you attached? Maybe you need a list of pros and cons?

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Well of course j , friends lovers partners all of it , but not just some friend, get me.That's how l mean that.

Haa been there done that yep cm , there's no problem normally it's only since she's been up home again and going through the crap. Pros have always been huge with us , but since she's been back up home well it's not even a home anymore but of course the cons have grown to this.

But here wee go again and you know all about the roller coaster too l know.

But my daughters interstate had huge crap happen last night won;t go into that but the phones been ringing, whatsapp, since 6.30 this morning , what a day. But gf knows all about my d's troubles and l called her to talk and help figure it out.

As usual my God she is just the most brilliant and supportive partner you will ever find when the chips are down ,mere mortals could not even fathom the person she can be at those times,, l just adore that about her sooooo much and it has never even been close to matched by anyone. Nearly 3yrs and even with everything she's going through , she still just blows me away, just blows my mind. But we talked a lot all through the day and l kept her posted as ex w and l found out more or talked to this one or that trying to sort things with my d,,,,and as usual at bad times and even with what gf's going through herself , she was just incredible, just a massive massive help and beyond.

So yep , what a day. Well , ex and l think my d is ok for now , as l say nother very big story l won't go into. But being reminded yet again of just what gf is made of , man . Anyway, we talked a bit to later again and about her stuff , her sons baby's due in 3wks and she's been thinking of coming home after a few days of helping them is she can, and trying to sort her legals out from her because all the lawyer crap is video anyway since covid. So we are still in her at least , l wasn't even sure if that was going on in there anymore. Last plan was to stay there ride it out till the end and her hearings. But we don't even have dates they could even be next yr and she can't stay where she is.

So among the crazy day it's been , it was really nice to hear that is still going on in there anyway. Still wouldn't count on it and l hate to thing the problems her son and his w might have with the second baby, his w's got stuff , gf will probably get stuck there for mths anyway butttttt, we see.

rx

[Guest_1584]

lt's amazing isn't it. One of my strongest things about a partner is that they better be in your corner and good.

Yet with that , ex was terrible like that. We had a lot of stuff but that , now that was not one of them . Yet it's such a huge thing to me. You couldn't tell her anything , she'd probably not only be useless about it and act self centered or something instead , but she'd probably throw it in your face too at some later time.

Amazing what we put up with sometimes isn't it.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Many thoughts , too many. l'll work today that'll clear my head a bit.

So many things with my d's troubles yesterday , we don't know how things have panned out this morning have had any calls or messages yet , that's a worry.

On the gf front though , man it's hard to not hope. Every time we're even just on the phone it brings home again just how we get along and are so similar. But things like those other days where one of us will just need each other like yesterday , lt all just drives it home 50 fold more by.

So many times even through all this last 5mths separated , but 50fold when we are together , iyt's just been incredible. She's called about something hitting the fan , or l have , and it's just boom , it's all just there. Complete and just instant understanding , completely just in ea others corner ,just complete. lt's just such an amazing and beautiful thing to have with ea other especially in the shape both of us are in with our life and especially lately.

l really just don't wanna lose it , l know to this degree and asynchronicity it's just irreplaceable . But l don't wanna be in the trap of living in hope either right now , rock and a hard place.

l'm scared shytless to just hone in positive energy into it , bc of all her situation. That stuff takes all your strength and reserve's , stuff you don't wanna waste bc you;ll need them to get through later if it doesn't work out. But l am asking myself . l know what we are , l know the life we could have , l know l want it and deep down she does too , so do l take that mental gamble and just poor all of what positive energy l do have left into it ? We'll that get things her end , and her mentally too , over the line. Could it even help to bring on positive outcomes with her court cases , don't know.

But l also worry me blocking hope just to get by , may bring on negative outcomes and mentally for her also .What a dilemma bc l'm not in the best of shape , l have to think about self preservation too , and hers also.

rx

[ecomama]

Hey rx

I'm reading & extend support to you.

In response to what you wrote a few posts ago.... wondering why she wasn't leaning on you, even though she was going through such hard times?

I relate to what she's going through (as you know) & possibly why she hasn't done this as much you think she needs to, as I felt the same way. Ofcourse she may have other reasons but I wanted to let you know..

I felt so stressed during this time, I couldn't bare repeating myself over & over to BF. I was already pushed beyond my limits on all possible levels, adding legals pushing & pushing me to respond in all ways ie via email/ phone/ meetings/ Hearings.
I was drowning in it.

My BF was SO FAR removed from my real life, I found myself getting SO FRUSTRATED with BF as he had no way of knowing just how relentless the situation was.

Plus him being so far away, he couldn't PHYSICALLY help me.
This frustrated me no end.
I didn't even want to HEAR him saying he wished he could help.
That kind of rhetoric was useless talk when I needed USEFUL ACTION.

I also couldn't stand the trivial conversations BF wanted to have.
I literally had no time or energy for it.
1000% of my thoughts and time had to be spent on resolving exactly WHAT I was in, complete complicated legal paperwork and Hardship applications.
I needed to surround myself with women who'd been through SAME and I was able to do this via FB and get sterling advice, direction, support, ideas.
I also needed to scout for food for my kids. This took alot of energy & time also.

If it wasn't for BF literally hanging in there "on faith", then we wouldn't have lasted through those years.

Tbh I kept telling BF to go find someone else.
Someone who could be there WITH him.
Someone who didn't have all this bs I was dealing with.
He sometimes laughed and said consistently that he loved me and couldn't love anyone else anyway.

And ofcourse I could feel my MH crumbling away.
I had no idea in what state I'd be in if the stuff would ever ever end.

Thankfully, BF is the most steadfast human being I've ever met.
He simply texted something daily like I love you or We're going to make it through this or I'm here for you and the saddest one, I miss you.

I've learnt that loving (and needing or wanting) just that ONE person is a very scary feeling rx.
REALLY scary.
It does feel like a huge gamble because it IS a huge gamble.

Until it isn't.
When stuff clicks in all sectors, it just feels right.

Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Hiya em thanks for the thoughts.

Yep yep and yep , all of the above.l've thought of you and remember you saying all that somewhere bc although it was a different situation it was also very similar . Must've been horrific with kids in tow too and for all those yrs though.

She's explained that pretty well word for word too l mean l understand of course , l know what still going through and truth is on one hand l'd rather be alone too if it was me . depends what it was. One things l'd love us in my corner and use it , hold onto it , but, l might not either with another. l mean l do get it especially lately better now, even though l'll moan haha.

l have tried all that too though just being there , silently , a little line a day. Or when things were too much l've known and been there but backed away myself actually. l knew she couldn;t cope. But later on she switched and started talking all day again and we just got back to normal but before long that got too much for her again and then she started saying stuff and it was just weird , l get it now but it was weird and a worry earlier. l men she'd be back then gone and back and forth but of course it all depended on good and bad periods. l was doubting for awhile there though.

The way wwe've just fallen into lately seems to work well for her, just whenever, no pressure, nothing in stone. She'll call with her stuff or to unload and sometimes l will seems to work really well for her. She knows l'm still here but on her terms , seems to gel for her so l'm really pleased for that. And she actually likes dealing with some of my stuff instead a bit, especially with my d has a real soft spot for her and understands her stuff, and it takes her away from her own just for awhile.Funny , l'm like that too with hers.

rx

[CMF]

Oh rx,

Feel like an uphill battle right? You don't want to leave yourself empty, but also know how coukd it will be if things shift in your/her favour.

I know how that feels.

Again,trying to put myself in her shoes. Shutting down cos she can't see a change coming, a future together, she's stressed. Then happier may be when she's had a break, has a clearer mind or when you reach out, need her advice , lean on her cos she wants to support you as much as possible.

That's probably the real her coming thru. She's great when someone else is in need, maybe not do good when she is. Could it be she's not used to having so much support? Could it be sh thinks you're free and 'enjoying' life while she's stuck?

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

yeah it's all a real roller coaster cm. no doubt about that one.

l'm always careful not to drum my life or things l'm doing up too much. l really don't want her feeling l'm just home and cruizn while she's going through all that . And l'm not anyway , lotta stuff going on but sadly l'm still 50fold better off than her situation so l try not to talk about it things here too much. She knows it all anyway , my life here and any troubles.

Yeah it is just her all over , she's just incredible with other people , she's no fool though it's not just anyone , me or her son though , her loved ones.

l understand the shutting down better these days now and l don't blame her she's just trying to cope in anyway she needs too. We hardly talk about her stuff lately it's just too much . we often have really light convos and l try to get her laughing a bit it really picks her up to just be normal and forget even just for a bit.

thx cm , hope ur ok.

[Jstar49]

Great to hear you sounding so positive and solid rx.

my thought today is, we pick a side. Right or wrong, we choose it, then live with the consequences. Seems to me it’s better to trust in love and hope, at the worst you’re a fool. Better than not trusting in it, and being a worse kind of fool who only sees too late what could have been.

I prefer to love and believe. I feel like that lightens my soul, continues to carve me into the kind of person I want to be.
With discernment tho.
Not throwing my pearls before swine, so to speak.
Doesn’t sound like your girl is swine. Sounds like she’s worthy of your pearls, friend.

Cheers,

J*