living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Guest_1584]

Ha, your probably right too.

She hates this mobile as she calls it and no doubt about it after awhile 5000 hugs and kisses and words just become useless like this.

l said maybe l could come up for a few days and we'll get a motel at least it's something and we get to see each other. She said of course it'd be lovely but atm will just make it even worse when she has to go back to where she's staying and reality again. Said she wants all life not a few days. l know , l feel the same but l get to how it'd probably make her situation even worse later.

[Lillylane]

RX, I think your instincts of self preservation are worth noting. I understand too that our intuition can become ‘muddied’ when we are emotionally invested.

It’s difficult to see why gf wouldn’t be happy with your suggestion of going to visit her.

Take care,

[Guest_1584]

Yeah maybe , l find itt weird too even though of course l know her situation better than anyone.

She worries about the drive and expense too seems l may have to go again in a few mths but still, being together a few days would help me if l was her.

l dunno.

[CMF]

I would love it if my man came to see me. It would give me hope that he'd be there for me should things work in my favour. I wouldn't feel so alone.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Thanks cm.

Yeah, see that's that weird way she's been and it changes daily. But even knowing her situation , most would surely.

So it's hard to just wait it feels blindly. l feel much safer just seeing what happens and getting on with my own stuff.

[Guest_1584]

Talk about karma

lt's been dawning on me that l was her , with my ex. Ha , no wonder ex went off us.

Back then though ex's situation was fine she could even fly for free. But when we first met l'd just moved over to my cabin, didn't even have a working bathroom, and l was broke , then l moved into this house and with all the buying costs l was broke again.

She wanna fly across the world to see me but l'd be um ahh , cancelled a few trips to , jezuzzzz, no wonder the poor thing gave up. l wanted things to be good though when she'd come. l didn't wanna be broke or stressed out in the middle of new house stuff and finances , or for her to not even have a working bathroom at the cabin. Takes a long time to get back on your feet though and when someone so special is coming across the world for you l just didn't want my situation in such a mess .

Ha , talking of blind faith , and what goes around comes around, no wonder she got fed up , waiting waiting, cancellations , Jezuzzz. So here l am in the reverse now with gf,

Hth did that happen.

[Jstar49]

Hey rx,

have you ever tried to hold a sunset? Or capture some really beautiful moment?

I think we find something we love in someone, and then we want it to be always like that. But other stuff happens, life challenges crop up, and the true test of a relationship is whether it can ride out the storms.
my h is always questioning my love for him. Without recognising all the things he does which undermines and destroys it. Whether we survive, only time will tell. It’s different for us tho. We are married, and live together. It can still fall apart tho.

I guess, I feel like your gf has other things on her mind atm, as is making day to day decisions based on those other concerns, rather than on how she feels about you, or how committed she is to you. Maybe she feels like you will always be there, or maybe she knows that she is pushing you away with her behaviour but is helpless to stop it.
best thing, most attractive thing you can do and be in my view is- happy, independent, centered, not dependent upon her and on how she feels or what she’s doing. Trust yourself and follow your instincts and try not to act out of fear that you will be hurt. Because that fear, acting on it, will make it more likely that you will be hurt.
does that sound callous? I know we want our loved one to put us first, but in essence human beings tend to be fairly self centred, don’t you think? We usually do what seems best for us at the time.
also, maybe if you miss the ‘us’ that was your relationship with your gf, that’s ok. Maybe anything in the future, if it happens, will be new and different.
that’s the essence of zen. Non attachment.
cheers,

J*

[Guest_1584]

Hey j.

Well funny you should ask , yeah l have tried many 100s of times , l was a painter13yrs. Painting is the very meaning in capture , l was fixated on emotion myself .

Do you talk to you h and tell him that stuff ? l was married 20yrs before all this , hence my financials a few yrs back. Divorce certainly doesn't help men financially let me tell ya. But it's so important and crucial that you tell him what's on your mind.

Gf , yeahhhhh. Not that l'd wanna put anyone through it but there's a lot more detail in the last few pages about what she's been going through. But nah l've put no demands on her or pressure , she was actually pressuring me for a long long time. tbh. l've just tried to be there for her and support her through this stuff she's dumped in the middle of and up to heck teeth in. But of course l do need to know , but anyway.

Thanks for the thoughts too and yeah l'm fine , just going on with things really, life. l decided awhile back now gf's frame and troubles are just too all over and too unreliable of late to put any stock into. Safer and happier for me that l just go on with life for now . As l was sayin earlier , should the August thing come around later on well , l'll see where l'm at then yaknow.

Allt he best j ,

rx

[Guest_1584]

l suppose that last paragraph sounds pretty cold and whatever'ish, that's not really how it is though or l wouldn't even be bothering. We do have huge things very rare things l know are near impossible to find and feelings, l know what's out there. And who she normally is or l wouldn't be here for that either.

But unfortunately we've known to since she left last that anything could happen this yr too and especially with how unstable she becomes up home dealing with it all too sooooo. lt's sort of been this weird open but closed light is on but it's also off type thing subconsciously and emotionally all yr now if that makes any sense. Keeps you in check and practical.

rx

[CMF]

I didn't think it sounded com like at all. You're being realistic and honest with yourself, and her.

Cmf