Lack of emotional support

[KTrain]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here, sorry it is so long, bit of an emotional brain dump for me.

I've had a rough few nights with my depression, which comes and goes but hasn't been around in a long time. I'm in a relationship with a man who doesn't seem to have any empathy or understanding towards me. He knew I was having a rough night last night and just left me to it, says he needed sleep so didn't come over or contact me. It's not like I have these dark moments all the time, a handful of times in the 5 years we've been together and he doesn't make an effort to be here, to text or to call me when he knows I'm struggling. It made me feel so alone, even worse than being single and lonely is being in a relationship and lonely.

I constantly oscillate between thoughts of 'if he really cared about me, he would be here for me wouldn't he?' to 'maybe I'm just too difficult/needy or expecting too much?'. I would be there for him if he needed me but he doesn't reach out to me much. He is a recovering alcoholic and is more than 18 months sober. He leans on others and he supports others who have alcohol issues. He says he thinks of them as 'comrades' and finds it easy to support them, plus it’s all part of his recovery to help others (with alcohol problems, not others in general).

He has improved so much since giving up the alcohol and things are really good between us when I’m happy. But when I need emotional support, he is not there for me. For a long time I thought he is just not the kind of guy who does emotional support and was kind of getting used to that. But now seeing him offering that support to others who are in his rehab group or who go to his AA meetings, yet still cannot offer support to me, hurts a lot and has made me unsure of our relationship.

He says that he is 100% committed to our relationship, the emotional connection that I feel is missing is not something that he notices or that bothers him. He thinks everything is fine and it is just me and my depression that is the problem and if I see a counsellor and get help then we can be happy. I know I have to get help, but even when I do, knowing that he is not going to support me in times of emotional need is still enough for me to question what I am doing in the relationship. Can you have a relationship with someone who doesn’t give you emotional support? Or am I thinking too much (I do tend to do that), or expecting too much and need to stand on my own?

[JessF]

Hello KTrain, it's difficult in any relationship when partners aren't on the same page, let alone when one of you is depressed. What it boils down to right now is that you don't feel adequately supported emotionally by him, and he thinks he is doing enough and doesn't see a problem. That sounds to me like you both have a different definition of what emotional support looks like.

Can you be more specific about exactly what it is that you would like him to do, that he doesn't do? You've mentioned that you've seen him offering support to others in his AA group.

Can you think back to the last time you were feeling unsupported emotionally, and have a bit of a 'sliding doors' moment? What would you have liked him to do at that moment, and what did he do instead? How did that make you feel? How would him behaving in the way that you wanted him to in that moment made a difference?

If you can answer these questions, then it would be helpful to have this conversation with him and lay it out. I've found that men like plans and specifics.

Saying that 'you don't emotionally support me' can sound vague and critical, but saying 'I like it when I'm feeling X that you do Y' gives him something to do and makes him feel useful.

[KTrain]

Thank you JessF for your reply. It's just little things that he does for others, like sending them a message saying I'm thinking of you when he knows they are struggling. I think the truth is he does think of them more often as he can relate to their problems. He can't relate to mine. I have had a bad week and we had a talk over the phone earlier in the week and I thought we were making progress. I said when I'm feeling this darkness I just need to know that you care, just maybe pick up the phone and have a 5 minute conversation with me. He said ok he will try, but then last night I got a text from him telling me to call Beyond Blue and he went to bed. We are both unwell at the moment with flu type symptoms and our 2yo son (who lives with me, bf stays on weekends) has had croup. This has contributed to my depression as I haven't felt I could go out anywhere with my son, don't want to infect people, have had to stay home from work and been unable to exercise. I know once I get back out there I will feel so much better, just in a dark space right now and feel like he doesn't understand or really care. He is sick too though so perhaps I am being too hard on him. I had a previous bf years ago who was so supportive and caring and I try not to compare, but can't help it sometimes. The difference in me when I was supported compared to not is huge. Then I feel like maybe I need to become more independent and maybe that's why I'm with him now, I need to stand on my own. I'm constantly confused about this

[JessF]

Hello KTrain, just to help me understand, you have a 2yo son with your bf, but you are not living together at the moment?

[KTrain]

Yes that's right. We are moving house shortly and the plan is he will spend 4 nights a week with us and the other 3 with his parents close to where he works. Sleep is very important to him and he is up early on the days he works.