Just feeling all alone in the world

[lebak90]

I had my baby about six months ago and I love him more than anything in the entire world. However since having him I’ve felt ghosted my the few friends I felt close to my family is all overseas and my partner and I seem to bicker and argue more often.

there have been a lot of times recently something has been bothering me but I feel like I have no one in my life that I can talk to or open up to.

I’ve tried speaking to my mom and sister via FaceTime before but I often feel like they disregard how I’m feeling and brush me off. On top of that I always have to be the one to reach out first. It makes me feel really hurt and unloved. They are all overseas and I often just feel forgotten about. I then get into a negative headspace where I just want to push them further away and want to ignore them if they were to contact me. I guess I probably just start feeling really sorry for myself but I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by doing that.

My husband can be amazing at times. Half the time I feel like the luckiest person that I’m with him and half the time I think he can be so condescending and rude. Since we have had our baby we fight more often and sometimes I question whether or not he’s happy. He makes a big deal if he has to spend an evening playing and entertaining our son. He complains that he’s been at work all day and just wants to relax. I totally get it but when do I get a chance to relax? I love playing with our boy but sometimes my body aches and I need a rest too. Especially when I’m up all night as well. I mean he is super helpful at times too (helps with cooking and doing dishes) I’m not trying to make him sound horrible or anything because he’s not. He’s really helpful. He tells me he loves me but sometimes when he tells stories it paints a negative picture of me or he often says things like “oh you would have [insert negative behaviour/emotion]” when comparing how we might react to someone else’s situation.

I guess I just find it hard to believe people when they tell me they love me because sometimes their actions seem to indicate otherwise. So kind of just needing to let it all out because I don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to.

[Croix]

Dear Lebak90~

Welcome to the Forum, it's a wise move on your part as you can certainly let it all out here. Actually you may find many here will have had similar experiences and you may read how they have gotten on.

You are also welcome back anytime, and can say whatever you wish.

It is a great pity your family is so far away, a source of support you need but can't reach. Often the person at the other end feels powerless and frustrated in not being able to help the one they care about. Of course this can end up with a reluctance to talk.

On the other hand their seeming lack of care will make you feel resentful, after all you might have expected better of them.

It may seem a little unfair but perhaps talking abut things they enjoy rather than problems may increase contact.

Do you think that might work?

Having a first baby is a time when support is needed. Actually it is a radical change of life for both the mother -and the father too. Really speaking it is much more than a full-time job, it is a 24/7 one and cooperation and working together is the only real way to get used to things and place the least burden on each of the couple.

This takes getting used to, and with extra tiredness, change of routine and more tasks it can cause a great deal of friction. That's human. My wife and I had the most arguments ever at that time and I had to get used to coming home, washing nappies and all the other jobs that needed doing, just so my wife could have less on her plate, she worked very hard at it all day (and half the night) and of course needed help

Could I suggest you go to new parents' counseling and work out each person's responsibilities in front of someone who understands the problems? It may be a place such as Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 could be suitable.

Do you think your husband would come with you?

Croix

[lebak90]

In regards to my family, I hardly ever talk about problems with them. My mom especially will often want to go on about problems at work/rude patients at work/what my dad did that annoyed her etc. I just am finding it unfair that I then can’t share something that’s bothering me.

I think if I were to suggest counseling to my husband he would take it very personally and get defensive. He would think that I thought our marriage was in trouble and I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

also I’ve tried to see a therapist a couple times before and they are always trying to hypnotise me or have me follow some weird flashing light with my eyes and I just don’t think it’s for me.

[geoff]

Hello Lebak, and a warm welcome to the site.

Looking after a new baby is a 24/7 365 days a year job, if I can call it that, so with your husband who works 8 hours a day is no comparison, although admittedly he might help out with the baby, but looking after a baby is much more complex and demanding, and you don't have an hour's lunch.

With such a young baby, your mum's responsibility is not about 'rude patients' to begin with, that can be discussed if the conversation between the two of you has gone as anticipated, but a new mum might be having problems with different issues she needs consoling with, and your mum would be the best option to talk with.

I'm not a doctor but have you asked your doctor/therapist about PND, which husbands can also have and if you aren't happy with the type of counselling, you can ask your doctor to be referred to someone else.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Amanda2000]

Hi lebak90

I totally understand what you're going through. I was in your position 17 years ago!

Even till this day, the source of most of my arguments with my husband was parenting-issues.

And yes I can't really talk to my parents either. They always create further problems for me so I try to keep our contact minimal now and only talk about things that are not personal.

Kids do grow up very fast. The exhaustion you're experiencing now with the baby will pass before you know it. I know the process is difficult but try reminding yourself this is just a temporary phase in life.

Regarding husband, I've learnt to shift my focus to other things that he does well. He takes care of a lot of things and he gets things done! I try to appreciate the things that he does well to fill-in my gaps, and I try my best to let go of his weaknesses. Is this any help to you?

[therising]

Hi lebak90

From one mum to another, I have no doubt you're doing an incredible job - raising your son, your husband, your friends, your mum, your sister and yourself, as well as other people I'm sure. When you consider it, you're actually trying to raise just about everyone's consciousness and sense of love under these new circumstances (being a first time mum). It can be a lot of work, trying to lead those around you to be more aware of the kind of love and consideration you need while being supported.

Over the years, I've found everyone loves differently. Some love basically (they might verbally express 'I love you' and throw in a few hugs and kisses here and there. Some love stunningly, where their expressions of love are so varied and incredible that you can't help but be stunned. Some love actively, leading us to adventure so that life continues to unfold in the most amazing ways. Some love incredibly deeply to the point where how they feel connects with how you feel a lot of the time. It's kind of like they can read your mind and you can read theirs and you just know exactly what each other needs. I do believe how we love and how we wish to be loved can change over time.

I believe a first time mum must be loved carefully, gently, and considerately. She must be loved deeply, as she manages her own fears and questions about her new role in life. She must be loved deeply so that others can feel how she feels. She must be loved to life through inspiration and reassurance and have her milestones and achievements recognised.

Personally, I never did a great job raising the people around me as well as myself when my 2 babies were born. By the way my baby girl's almost 18 and my baby boy just turned 16 🙂 While everyone around me filled me more so with self doubt than reassurance and while I believed it was largely my role to do all that parenting stuff whilst my husband took on the role of sole breadwinner, if I had my time over again, I would have done things a little differently. It would have gone a little like 'Okay people, snap to it. Enough of this 'My day was tougher than yours' or 'You have no idea how exhausted I am' or 'You just need to try harder, it's your job''. Nup, there'd be none of that.

While women all over the world throughout centuries have been giving birth, this does not take away from your own incredibly unique experience as a mum. Through this incredible unique experience, you deserve to be loved incredibly and uniquely.

🙂