Issues with mentally challenged brother and family members

[novaLilysmum]

Hi. My mentally challenged(schizophrenics) brother is about to move into lower level care.  I am concerned because he has hygiene and safety issues and he is basically living unsupervised.  The hygiene dose not concern me but the safety issue dose.  This is a 49 year old man who thinks it’s perfectly fine and SAFE the smoke in bed ……… and then he falls asleep with still light smoke in his hand.  One of his previous accomodations threw him out because the fire brigade was called at midnight to put out the fire in his room.  My oldest brother(53) said he is just “playing” that he knows better and is just doing it cause he knows I will run to his aid.  My mother (72) is saying the same thing.  Are they correct? Am I just being over protective? Should I step back and “make him grow up”? Sometimes he dose stupid things -that he knows he shouldn’t (his words).. and yet he dose them anyway- why? is it because he knows I will run to his aid? When he gets in trouble for his stupid action he says it’s not him- the schizophrenic made him do it….. yet mum has schizophrenia and she would never do something so stupid.  I have recently come off anxiety medication  due to heart issues and I really don’t want to go back onto them because my brother is just being stupid…….once he moves into the new accommodation I worry my will my anxiety increase?

[Croix]

Dear NovaLilysmum~

Welcome here to the forum, I'm glad you came as you are facing difficult decisions. Feeling responsible for your brother is a very heavy burden, and the constant pressure could well leave you feeling at a loss, guilty or inadequate or angry -other other feelings too. You have to realise though that nobody is an inexhaustible well of strenght and support.

I guess the first thing to consider is you own health, if you are incapacitated by meds reacting with your heart condition then you are not going to help anyone. As the signs in airplanes says:

"Put oxygen mask on self before attempting to help others"

So to stop yourself worrying all the time maybe there are some things you might consider. It may be your brother genuinely does not think there is any danger, despite having had the fire brigade called in the past. Not everyone can see consequences clearly.

There perhaps some loud smoke detectors and a fire extinguisher/blanket might be a partial means of reducing risk.  Similarly (and here I'm no expert) I suspect vaping may be less lightly to catch bedclothes on fire.

Perhaps you can spread the responsibility over the three of you, your mum, brother and yourself, so you are not always 'on duty' and are living on your nerves? Even if they are right and he is seeking your aid they may be prepared to help for your sake.

If he is in fact seeking your aid, perhaps as a comfort in his life, is there any way you can talk this over with  his doctor or psych to see if that dependency can be reduced or spread?

I don't know if any of this is practical, however looking after yourself has to be first.

I hope you realise you can come here anytime and will be welcome

Croix

[novaLilysmum]

Hi, thanks for replying so quickly.  Mum and brother refuse to assist me. I think he knows that fire is a hazard- he has had several close calls. As for vaping- he has tried and gone back to cigarettes. The care he is moving into dose have fire alarms, however extinguishers and fire blankets I would assume are also essential in residential care.  Ndis and adult guardian have stated  he is of sound mind ( he is capable of making a valid decision for himself and able to follow through on it).  Even his doc and psycho have stated he is “capable and aware of his actions and repercussions”- so I guess that means he knows what he is doing is wrong and dose it anyway???? Yeah…… I think I need to bulk up on alarms, extinguishers and fire blankets.  The new accomodation is unsupervised living, he has just come from supervised living- he hated supervised living…. I guess they would not have allowed unsupervised if they thought he was not able to take care of himself.

[Croix]

Dear NovaLilysmum~

It's a pity that your family doesn't want to help, it sort of leaves you stuck. While there may be some comfort in his doctor and psych say he is capable it does not really relieve your worry.

A loud alarm, extinguisher and fire blanket within reach are the best you can do in practical terms. You can't stop him smoking and that raises an important point.

You can't be his jailer or minder 24/7 - nobody can.  To try to expect it of yourself is silly. It is not the sort of problem you face alone, how many children worry about an elderly parent having a fall? How many parents worry about their kids having a misadventure?

In all cases there are practical limitations, one does what one can and hopefully all will be well. The really hard part is to accept one has done all one can and find ways to stop the remaining worry. That worry is harmful to you  and does nothing good.

I found my mind does try to worry excessively and I also imagine worst case scenarios (I have an anxiety condition). So I try to prepare to have things ready to steer my mind away to other things when that anxiety loop starts.

I take two stages. The first is to use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. This has umpteen exercises on it suitable for just about anyone - including me, who has the concentration span of a goldfish:(

It takes practice but is surprisingly effective in breaking hte chain of thoughts and when I finish for a short time I'm calmer. I then use that calm state to start to do something I've pre-prepared. I have list of things that have distracted me, taken my mind from the present, or even amused me and given me a laugh. It can be anything from going for a walk to reading a chapter in a favorite book or TV episode.

So what do you think? Could you give it a try for a while?

Croix

[novaLilysmum]

Hi Croix, 

well you are to be a mind saver. I talked to my brother about going back to vapes and he jumped at it.  He said the reason he quit was because mum and I didn’t like the smell……shocked us all that he showed he IS  considerate to our feeling.  He also said he had learnt his lesson about smoking is bed cause the last time he almost got caught in the bed-fire……. Is there a situation he has not told me of?………..I also talked to the home he is going to.  They are moving him to an “external” flat- this means he only has one joining wall and they have added extra fire alarms and an additonal extinguisher in the bedroom.  I hope this dose not cause trouble for him but -“better safe than sorry”.  I agree that I do need to take care of myself first. If the doc, psych all the “experts” say he is fine then the problem must be with me.  I know I am one of those people whose mind always go to the worst possible scenario.  I had most of the problems sorted in my head- the catch- what was causing me stress was the smoking….. and thank you so so so much, your suggestion of vaping has solved that.  I have deliberately waited to repost here- 5 days and thanks to you have had no anxiety attacks.  I can not thank you enough.  But it is amazing how such as simple comment/suggestion can help so much… it’s like the lightbulb moment.. oh yeah there it is. I have just downloaded the app and am looking forward to using it.

[Croix]

Dear NovaLilysmum~

I think it was very sensible to wait a few days and I'm very glad things seem to be working out and the danger has been minimized and your brother has learned from past mistakes.  Actually I'm also glad that your brother does try to take you feelings into account -to find he cares for you and your mum is a very big thing.

I do think you are being a little hard on yourself -being too quick to assume the blame. Doctors are not infallible, and if you look at the potential seriousness of the situation I think any reasonable person would hesitate to act as if there had been no danger at all. You did all the right things and it paid off both in terms of removing the danger and lowering your worry and stress levels.

It might also have made your brother feel more cared about too.

Many people, myself included, can think the worst too often, one thing I have is a very sensible partner who can give me a perspective I trust, the other is for me to take action so the worry can go away -which you  did.

All you need, like me, is not to see the worst all hte itme when not justified, and you are heading there too with medical assistance and now trying that app. Incidentally please do give it a good go, like many things you get results after you have worked at it for a while. Practice does become second nature and I value the  app as a result.

You are very welcome to let us know how you and your brother get on, we do care

Croix