Is my marriage over?

[Bully77]

We have been togethor for 18 years, married for 14, with 4 kids.
My wife has a very needy friend, who has moved from the city to the country, about an hour and a half north of where we live, about 4 years ago. For the past 2 and a half years, my wife has been going & staying there every friday night, drinking excessively, and not coming home until late saturday afternoon. Around the time she started going there, she also stopped having sex with me, we only had sex once last year. I work long hours, six days a week, to make ends meet , as she doesn't work, which means our kids (14, 12, 6 and 4), are left home alone on saturday mornings, which she thinks is ok. Late last year, my ex brother in law messaged me, saying my wife was sleeping with a guy when she going to her friends. Of course my wife denied it, promising me I was the only person she had slept with since she was 15.
She promised that she wouldn't keep going there every week, but has ended up going there every week since, but still denies anything is going on. Then today was our daughters birthday, and she still decided to go there, saying we would do birthday cake & dinner for our daughter tomorrow night. I feel like I am being played, but she insists all she is doing is spending time with her friend (who I don't like, and neither do her 2 sisters or her mum). What do I do? I love my wife & dont want to throw away 18 years, but I can't live like this. I have even contemplated suicide, but I know my kids need me & I couldn't do that to them. Help!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bully77, 

We are so grateful you have felt brave enough to share your journey with us here in the beyondblue community.  We're sorry that things have been so difficult for you but want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Sounds like things have been tough for a while now, and can see that you really want to work through this and get the support. 

Our Support Service are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you. There is always help available, we would strongly recommend speaking with Lifeline https://www.lifeline.org.au/ - 13 11 14 or Relationships Australia 1300364277.

Keep checking back in with the community to let us know how your going.

Kind regards, 
Sophie
 
 

[geoff]

Hello Bully77, and thanks for posting your comment.

If your wife believes that your older children maybe able to look after the two younger ones could be true, but certainly not entirely.

I don't understand that your wife avoided a child's birthday party and cake, that would be so disappointing not only for who's birthday it was but for everyone else, a parent who loves their children doesn't even contemplate doing anything like this.

Loves needs to go both ways, at the moment that doesn't appear to be happening because whether or not there is another person she is denying the child some happiness and joy and for them creates sadness.

You work hard to support your family and that's definitely a credit to you, but if she is using this to benefit her own drinking and if she does have someone, then more appreciation should be given towards you.

We hope you get back to us.

Geoff.

[Mary_2]

Hi Bully,

it sounds like an extremely tough position that you find yourself. I am so glad for you and your children that you’re reaching out, that is brave and sensible. I agree with Geoff in regards for her complete disregard of her own child’s birthday. Believe this is a huge red flag.

Let alone the behaviour and interactions you have described happens weekly for more than 1year. Despite you discussing this behaviour, it hasn’t changed.

Since my separation, my x4 kids 15, 13, 11 and 8. I have 98-100% of their care. It may sound ridiculous, but their care is my priority, let alone my responsibility.

I have only just this week allowed x2 older secondary kids to come home from school and be unattended for 1hour before I get home from work. They have phones and I nag them to make sure all is ok. My neighbor is there in case of emergency.

The younger have after school care or friend babysits for this 1hour.

I cannot comprehend, how she believes her behaviour is appropriate, just on a parent level. Let alone partner level, which you have described.

In fact it is a reportable to Child Protection for any child to be left unattended under age of 15. This is neglect. Potentially dangerous, what happens if fire, accident or injury occurs when they are left? Let alone if she’s drinking....is she even capable of driving or caring for them. Absolutely massive red flag.

So glad you are seeking advice, I hope you get some support. All credit to you for reaching out and everything you are doing for your family.

It is urgent that you take care of your children. As it sounds like your partner is acting like one. From what you describe she is no longer a partner let alone a parent.

Have you got family to turn to or friends to help out in meantime??

Please call lifeline or relationships and get some direct advice on your situation. You need support, to continue supporting your family and yourself.

Your insight and constitution to this unfortunate situation has to be credited++

Take care 🤗🤗

Mary

[Bully77]

Thankyou for your kind words. I have been trying to be supportive of my wife, but tonight was the final straw. We went to her sisters engagement party, and she showed me no attention all night, but her friend didn't leave her side all night. I then found out that we had paid for all of her freinds drinks & transport to ,& from the party and I couldn't take any more, so I left the party alone. I just cant be near her. So it seems I must move on. I don't know how, as I have no family in the state, butI cant tolerate it anymore.

[geoff]

Hello Bully, it's so sad that in a situation like yours, you try, hope, wish and only plead that she will change, only to be let down, again and again, time after time that not so much forcers you to make a decision but convinces you that something needs to be done for the protection, in how you want to take this, not only for yourself but also for your kids.

Reality finally sets in, and that's quite a scary moment, all of a sudden you are single and have 4 kids to look after, but this is when your 'senses' kick in, you listen to what they have to say, talk it through with them and then make a decision.

Can I ask you whether you are buying or renting and I only ask this for some suggestions to do next.

Geoff.

[Bully77]

Well, we have seperated. She has moved out to her sisters with the kids. I tried to get her to come to marriage counselling but she says I am the one with the problem, not her. Don't know where to from here.

[geoff]

Hi Bully, this must be news that you didn't want to hear, that she has taken the kids with her, whether or not they had agreed to do so is what you need to find out.

Somehow she may or may not be using this situation to manipulate her position in order to entice the kids to go with her, however, the next time she leaves them alone while she goes out and drinks, is when the kids could well and truly be contacting you.

You can't have a tug of war with her in this position, it will have to be decided in court, unfortunately, and although this may be costly , time consuming as well as exhausting, this relationship needs to be settled.

What I hope is that your kids will finally make their own decision which will go against what your wife wants, kids, don't like having a mum who is not there to support them and is most likely to be intoxicated, meaning they have to make their own breakfast, lunch and dinner.

May be sense will prevail, we hope so, but please let us know.

Geoff.