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Is it weird I am not a social person

AirJordanFan93
Community Member

If this is in the wrong section forgive me.

I have trouble being a social person. People in my age group 18-25 seem to be the most sociable age group of people around. I have never been this kind of person. This is perhaps down to both my mental issues over the last few years and my dislike for general early 20s behaviour such as drinking and nightclubs. I have struggled to make friends since high school. I have a pretty good sized group of friends when I was in primary school but when we all started high school most of us lost contact and now I only see a few of them.  I struggle to be able to muster up the motivation to do social things with people be it with friends or family I either find myself not caring or I have zero inerest in being around people. Because I don't drink alcohol I feel like the weirdo a lot of the time when around people when they are drinking and am constantly pressured into drinking by others who can't get around the fact I chose not to drink.

Part of me would like to change all of this but another part of me is reserved. All I really want is a nice small group of friends and even a girlfriend I can confide in,share things with and like me for who I am.

15 Replies 15

hello AirJordanFan, it's a long time between posts so we always expect that everything is well, but that assumption can quite easily be wrong, and in your situation that's what's happening.
You can look at other people who are in a r/ship and feel the loss you have missed out on, or you can look at it this way, that these people may still want to be friends with you, just because they have a r/ship doesn't mean that they don't want to be friends with you.
If by chance you meet a couple who want to see you then your prospects of meeting a g/friend are very possible, or you may not want to have a g/friend but a female you can associate with, and it wouldn't be so difficult if the four of you were together.
If you don't drink alcohol then you could meet people by being their driver, but just realise when people are intoxicated they behave differently, talk a bit more than usual and also make comments they don't mean to say, but that's the grog talking.
You have said that you want to 'make some sort of effort' and that's the kick start you need, determination, but it would be easier if you met a couple, then you wouldn't be caught short by talking with a female, a little bit at a time, and do it in small doses, that way you can start to build up your confidence. Geoff.

hey there airjordanfan93

I myself am currently going through a very tough time mentally.

Many things have happened in the past 6 months that have knocked me down.

I'm 23 and have yet to graduate from uni. I have only worked briefly as a tutor and had no stable work. I have lost more friends than gained. I've never had a relationship and im yet to lose my virginity. The last two there have really held my confidence down lately. I feel like mainstream society has not only belittled men but it has taken some of the excitement and chivalry out of relationships too. A friend and i joked once that we were both born in the wrong era haha.

I believe the best thing in order to see real lasting change is to get a hold of your self worth. Its not easy. In fact its bloody hard. Especially when you see so many guys around you hooking up and boasting about it. Or even guys who are in committed relationships. I have since left such groups but am struggling to find replacements. But alas i keep pressing on. Im currently on track to start volunteering at the airport and also take up group therapy for my depression and anxiety. I plan on going to some book clubs too. Seriously though, reading makes you a good conversation holder i find. Thats always a hit with girls.

Life is tough for young guys like us mate. We arent into the same crap the others are. Our mental health holds us back. I believe this is a sign of a true man. Something the RIGHT sort of girl will LOVE. We need to deal with thecreal stuff in our mental health journey. Lately i have been thinking about relationships and what i value in people just generally too. This helps foster a sense of worthiness to my life. I see what is worth focusing and chasing.

My advice is to take a few steps back. Figure out your hobbies. Get a hold of your mental health. Focus on a single thing at once. Keep at it and eventually life will reset itself.

I have so much doubt in my own ability and confidence generally. Im 6'5" and people always look at me due to my height. They sometimes think i must have it easy with girls. My confidence might seem ok at first but im ALWAYS insecure. This iscsomething im working on with psych help. Im still incredibly self aware in social scenarios but the trick is to venture into new ones. Find some people who are worth your time man.

Im here to chat so feel free to talk things over. I feel like we've got similar experiences. Take care bro 🙂 Things do inprove, just takes time.

Hey there,

You shouldn't feel alone in how you're feeling; there's a lot of guys in the world and on here that feel the exact same way. Your values seem strong and genuine, something that is very hard to come by these days. I agree, everything these days seems to be about physical appearance, sex, how many people you can hook up with, getting drunk, high, whatever it is. No one can sit and have a chat about deep and meaningful things, or laugh until their stomach hurts about something so small and stupid. We are constantly connected to phones and social media. We constantly have these expectations of us, as young people:

- To have a job
- To go to uni
- To buy a house
- To pay off HECS debts
- To be in a relationship
- To have a social life
- To have a family by 28 or whatever ridiculous age it is.

So much pressure to do all the above and so much more.

I find that shy/quiet/antisocial people are the best people. They have the most to say, they're the most genuine, they're deeper, they are much more easier to be around. I'm an introvert too, so maybe I am a bit biased, but I do get what you mean about how high school kind of ruined the experience of being a young person.

Can I tell you something? Being female, and Zeal hit this on the head, girls actually dig that kind of stuff. Girls love quiet guys, who are compassionate and loving and shy and awkward and geeky or whatever it is. Egotistical and overly confident guys who only care about sex attract women because of hormones, and sex seems to be the only thing on anyone's minds these days. Believe me there are girls who would match your personality; the thing is, they are quiet and shy too (most of them) and so they are difficult to find. The world is funny.

Are the things you enjoy? Like books, or gaming, or art activities or something? Maybe trying to find a small local group and giving it a shot will open doors to meet people who are like minded as you, and perhaps you might find a girl who takes an interest with you.

This won't help, but relationships aren't everything. They're nice and all, but you don't want your relationship to end in flames and have your heart broken even more so. Sometimes we have to wait for that one person to come into our life. Flirting, as horrible as this is, can bridge that gap of loneliness.

Take care of yourself, and you sound pretty cool, too 🙂

- Em

Not weird at all - I'm not terribly social myself, and I don't think I'm particularly different or unusual. At your age I was running around trying to fit in and get noticed. Sometime after that, gradually, I gave up on that. It just stopped mattering to me all that much. As BenignSky correctly observed, some girls do like quiet guys too, and I was able to snag some of them as they went past 🙂 so there is certainly hope. (I'm now 60+ and not trying to snag any more of them, which is quite a relief to me in all honesty, although it is an adjustment to realise your attractiveness has largely gone, and your zest for life and "eros" has become fickle and unreliable.)

Hi BenginSky

Sorry about the late reply been busy so I have been able to check the forum over the last few days.

I have felt the pressure of a few of those expectations. Mainly the job one since I was unemployed for a long time between the ages of 18 and 23 which probably really affected what I could do with social situations given you need money to go out and that was something I didn't have. I was never pressured into Uni or continuing studies once I finished school which I am glad with since the pressures of Uni would of really messed with my head. The social life and relationship ones were never ones people forced on me but as I get older I feel its something that slipped me by from 18 onward and while I was never interested in going clubbing I do feel I have missed out on some good times with people because of my nature to spend time on my own.

I can see your point on the more anti-social people tending to have more interesting things to talk about though. I think people who are more outgoing and egotistic tend to be very obvious and tend to just go with trends or what the media tells them is cool. I have never had time for people like that since I was in high school and it was apparent a lot of people like that went to my high school. While I never considered myself shy I do have a hard time talking to people so maybe in the end I actually am shy while not actually knowing it. I have a tendancy to shut myself off from people I work with and outside of the cordial greetings people give I really don't say anything else to anyone and I have a good idea the majority of people I work with have no idea what things I am into.

I really don't have many hobbies. While I do play video games I don't do it hardcore like a lot of people tend to. I did browse MeetUp last year but found none of the groups applied to my interests or I wasn't interested in the things I saw. I like sports but not playing them but I don't follow any of the Australian leagues like AFL or NRL. Unless it involves Liverpool F.C the few bands I like I tend to not be interested in a lot of things which probably sounds very odd to a lot of people.

Hey guys!

Jordan - I apologise for only just replying to your post from June 26! I'm sorry to hear that anxiety in particular is still having an impact. Being unhappy at work is rough. Do you work full-time or part-time? If you don't mind me asking, what role do you have? I'm 24 too now and I'm studying postgraduate counselling/psychotherapy at uni. I am currently looking for paid casual/part-time work. I can also relate to feeling lonely and without friends. After I was unwell in 2012, I drifted apart from the few friends I did have.
My two closest female friends live interstate now, and my friendship group doesn't have catch-ups very much anymore. The only person in this group I spend time with regularly is my boyfriend, and also his sister. He and I are very close and comfortable around each other, so this is my prime source of social and emotional support. Do you have siblings or relatives you're close to? Like you, I also don't have many hobbies. I like reading and occasionally go on hikes.

Mitch, I like your comment that "Something the RIGHT sort of girl will LOVE" in regards to having a journey with mental health challenges.

Em, you certainly do give great and friendly advice!

I'm glad this thread has been reignited 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal