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Is is me or my head?

Community Member
Hi All, okay, this is long so bear with me but it’s just
been weeks and I feel that I am getting worse. As background, I have been on
antidepressants for a few years as I tend to get stuck on a thought about
something that I regret doing or something that I feel I done wrong and I can’t
get it out of my mind for long periods of time even when my family/friends tell
me it’s okay and not a big deal.

A year ago, I started to date a really amazing guy that I’m
still with and when I told my best male friend (who I was very close with and
had kissed and liked romantically off and on but it never went beyond that and when
I suggested to date just to get out of our system he refused which was fine and
he knew towards the end I didn’t like him that way anymore) he absolutely lost
it, threatened to hurt my boyfriend (who he had been friends with), was sitting
in my room crying about it (my mum and him were close), said he couldn’t eat
etc. I felt awful and still tried to be his friend.

I feel so guilty now that I was still friends with him after and I start
to worry whether I acted appropriately where I start thinking things such as “did
I kiss him on the cheek?” after we made up as friends after his freak out. I don’t
think I did at all and if I did it was just an affection thing not a romantic
thing at all but I can’t get the thought out of my head that I did and it makes
me worry that I’m a cheater even though I know I’m not and everyone tells me its
okay (including my boyfriend). I also then started worrying that I had hugged
him when we were okay and I feel like I cheated when I done that too and I just
worry and worry and I can’t get it out of my mind that I should not have done
that and that I’m a bad person. I just feel like crying all the time and I feel
so sick. I wish I could just talk to my old best male friend about it but I have found out that he has been
telling lies about me and has twisted stuff (e.g me lending him some cash which
he took as “she still likes me” even though it was just cash and telling ppl he
doesn’t even know well that I said ‘he is the best kisser ever’) and my closest
friends say he definitely had some narcissistic traits so I know if I ask him
he will probably say something to make himself feel better which wasn’t necessarily

I just feel like I’m going crazy and wish I could stop
thinking this much , am I feeling this bad because I did something bad or is it
my depression that I can’t get this
thought out of my head?

2 Replies 2

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello Trishizle, this sounds like the old story of a friend who wants more than just friendship. You're worried you may have led him on, perhaps, and caused him to feel upset. The best thing you can do at this stage, in my opinion, is to cut off contact with him. It sounds like this has affected your friendship anyhow. You can't change what has happened in the past, and threatening to harm your boyfriend is not acceptable. Write him a note if you need to and let him know that you have no romantic feelings for him, it sounds like it's the only way for him to get a clear message and give you some peace of mind.

Community Member
Hi JessF, thanks heaps for your response. I did actually call him last night as I was so worried that I had done the wrong thing and I had to get confirmation from him. It wasn't the most pleasant conversation but I did manage to get confirmation from him that nothing ever happened (As he was previously my best mate, he knows I struggle with depression and thoughts that I can't get out of my head) and we definitely will not keep in contact . I also went back to my Dr and he prescribed some medication to calm me down a bit for a few days which is helping to get me through my thought processes and stop me freaking out about everything so I am hoping I am on the way up slowly. Thanks again 🙂