Infidelity, mental health, lost and broken

16ShadesofBlue · ‎16-11-2016

2 months ago I accidentally discovered that my husband and partner of 20 years had a 2 month affair with a 'friend', someone who I was led to believe was supporting him through his own mental health journey and who was also trying to befriend me at the same time. I ignored my instincts that something wasn't right, other friends were telling me it was good for him. He was happy. To complicate things the same week, he was diagnosed with Bipolar2. Me finding out about his infidelity sent him to a new low. We both want to reconcile. He is now on mood stabilisers and is distraught at the trauma he has caused (he truly believed I would never find out). I am trying to be supportive and keep 'life' swimming along for our two beautiful happy children. I feel like I am wearing a mask because I have to pretend everything is ok. And I am NOT ok. I am physically not coping I feel ill, my stomach knotted, my heart hurts and now my jaw and teeth ache. I have to force myself to eat during the day and I am not sleeping well. I drop the kids at school and come home and cry. I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up have my life back. I had made positive changes this year, building my self worth. eating well and being active. Things were falling into place. But now I am scared and overwhelmed with all the things I am feeling. I have no joy for any of the activities that previously gave me fulfillment. I have an overwhelming obsessive hatred and anger towards the other woman which I know is not healthy...but I am plagued by images and thoughts in my head of their intimacy and it scares me that they will never fade. It makes me so anxious that I don't know what way is up. I feel panicked being people and I feel panicked being alone. My self worth has plummeted to a new low and I am scared I am heading into a bad place. I have had PND and there is also a history of anxiety and depression on my side of the family tree. Every morning I wake up overwhelmed with grief that it is still real and I cannot breathe. This does not feel like my life. I am disconnected. I don't feel alive. I just feel like I want to run away. I am outwardly doing all the right things (GP, psychologist etc) and everything I read tells me the way I am feeling is normal for the first 3 months and that I may not feel completely ok again for years. Please tell me it gets better. I love him. I should hate him. But I love him. I feel broken and I do not like the person I am becoming.

16ShadesofBlue · ‎17-11-2016

Sorry I am having trouble keeping to the character limit ha!! It's like a water tap that's been switched on and I am not good at being concise. SO much bottled up. Thank you though because it's loosened the vice around my insides a little this afternoon. That and the sunshine. Trying not to think about all the things I needed to do today but have no energy for!

Bailey13 · ‎17-11-2016

I feel exactly the same. It's definitely grief. I'm such a sentimental person and I keep dwelling on the fact we won't be grey and old celebrating 50yrs of being faithful to each other, that's a huge loss to me and I can't get it back, that makes me terribly sad and angry. I am at a point where I feel I never should of got married because what was the point, he hasn't honoured the promises he made that day... he's lied, cheated and neglected his family. I've had mental health struggles in the past and never thought to do such a thing to him. I don't wear my wedding ring, I told him I couldn't bare too as it's lost its meaning. If I wasn't keeping it a secret I'd probably change back to my maiden name aswell. I always felt so lucky to have him and that I'd found a committed loving man. But now I'm a bit of a man hater. I'm so angry at him, I've never so much as looked at another man and considered anything beyond a friendship, i devoted myself completely to him. I have the same terrible thought that I'll put all this effort in to repairing myself for him to one day do it again and all this pain I'm putting myself through will have been for nothing. But for some reason (prob the kids) I'm still here, trying to work out if I really can get over it or even learn to live with it. I hate the unkown, I used to feel so safe and happy in my marriage, now I feel sad and scared. But then is life outside my marriage any better, who knows. I just have to keep hoping that time (and my husband) will be kind to me. If I'm the one he supposedly loves the most why am I the one he hurt the most. Nothing makes sense and i wish i could find peace with not understanding this, because i just don't think i will. What could possibly justify it! You seem like an incredibly strong and emotionally intelligent person (i know it doesn't feel like it) but i can appreciate the lonely struggle and protecting the kids, it's exhausting and you're surviving it, not easily i know, but you are. be kind to yourself and put yourself first once in a while. I even went to a movie on my own the other day and ate a bag of lollies I didn't have to share, us, go me! Take care.

Apollo_Black · ‎17-11-2016

I'm really sorry you're all going what you you're going through. I hope you ate the hell out of that bag of lollies.

it can work. It can get better. If your other half is remorseful I think it can work. If not I have my doubts.

I admire what you're doing for your kids. But if it isn't working they won't want you unhappy. It took me a while to come to terms with that. I'm still adjusting but I have no doubt I will be happier eventually and my son will be better for it.

just give it time. If it doesn't work it's not your fault. Trust can be rebuilt.

Apollo_Black · ‎17-11-2016

I replied but due to this forum's archaic terms and conditions the link I added probably got moderated. This post will probably get moderated because I mentioned the word "moderated".

Anyway. Stay strong. My main intention was to say that things do get better in time. If you want to understand the trust thing, Google Athol Kay and "active trust vs passive trust"

16ShadesofBlue · ‎17-11-2016

Oh Bailey sadly yes you SO describe many of the things I am feeling. I am very sentimental and nostalgic too. It all feels like it has a shadow over it now.

I feel less crazy reading your post but I am sorry you are going through this too. It's hideous. The whole wedding thing has hit me really hard. I thought we were forever. I thought I had the fairytale, obviously I was naive. But I took the whole thing seriously and even when things got a bit disconnected over the past few months I never once imagined being with another man. If anything I imagined being alone! I even dug out our wedding booklet because I thought I was going crazy and obsessing about it but no, faithfulness is a HUGE part of the promise. The whole 'honour and protect her, comfort her, forsaking all others, be faithful to her, So long as you both shall live' and again in the proclamation '...have joined hands and made their solemn vows promising life-long faithfulness to each other' It's all there and it's pretty damn huge. It's almost like I don't 'feel' married anymore in some sense. because he broke the promise we made that day in front of our families when we exchanged rings. It hurts SO much and I feel sick thinking about it. Hope that fades. At the moment I still wake up and get a shock when I remember it's all real and my new life.

It's the things that are lost that were just for 'us' that I can't get back. Ever. Gone. And it hurts SO much. The Wedding Ring thing cuts too...one of the first things I said to him when I got upset was just imagining him touching her while wearing OUR wedding ring made me feel violently ill. It's all the seemingly small things like that. Things that he never considered in that moment when he crossed the line. EVERYTHING feels tainted.

I feel sad and scared too 😞 I get this strange tension now talking about the future....like I am scared I don't trust the future anymore to go the path I expected. I don't feel secure. I am 95% sure we will be ok again (provided he really does still love me underneath it all when we've hashed the guts out of what happened and where we want to be) . I am holding onto that hope. I can't fully imagine it because I still can't fully believe it has happened. And it will NEVER be the same. But one day I hope to be more at peace with it.

You take care too. It's SO tough trying to be strong! And we end up being in pain, hurting and trying to heal for something we didn't do. I like the movie idea! I am so doing that!!

16ShadesofBlue · ‎18-11-2016

Had a bit of a dip this morning so came back in to reread. I think it's because we had a family function last night and I was exhausted by the end from having to 'wear the mask'. I had moments of almost forgetting and feeling some flicker of happiness .....and moments of intensity when I remembered (like when my mother inlaw made an innocent affair joke over dinner!! If only she knew eh?). I should be holding onto that flicker shouldn't I. Trying to ignite it into a fire. But it keeps getting blown out.

Bailey what you said really resonated with me: "Nothing makes sense and i wish i could find peace with not understanding this, because i just don't think I will." That is how I feel at the moment. It's one thing KNOWING all the things you are 'supposed' to do to move forward but another thing actually being able to. I know I will have to find a way to be at peace and live with it. How I don't know. It feels impossible right now.

Hope you find something nice just for you to do today. I might go look up what movies are on (one that doesn't have an affair in it lol!!!) !!

Cornstarch · ‎18-11-2016

It's completely understandable and natural to feel devastated, raw, angry, sad and to be questioning the relationship after a betrayal. On top of that your husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar II, which in itself is huge, because that requires life long management and can never be cured. He will be feeling so lousy about himself, we are all proud in our own way, who wants a mental illness. With your own experience with PND you completely understand how dark depression can be and why he is not able to communicate until he stabilises.

I find it a little bizarre that his psychologist has 'always' had you 'sidelined'. Why did she/he have to take such a firm hold with you? Usually partners are welcomed into the health process as they are a central factor in a person coming to terms with, and learning how to manage Bipolar.

You both must be stressed to the nines and unfortunately stress antagonises everyone's mental health. I think the focus really has to be stabilising, he is clearly remorseful, you used the word 'trauma' when referencing the affair. You're still together so the worst has not happened. Until he is stable he doesn't have the strength to think clearly so you can discuss the communication and intimacy issues that led him to find solace regarding his depression in someone else, down the track.

There's a very good chance that people will find out unfortunately. When a couple is going through a rough patch they are too tunnel visioned to see that their behaviour is extremely obvious to people on the outside, we all have a degree of emotional intelligence and can join dots, affairs are very common and heaps of people know the dynamics and can smell one a mile off.

When I was young a foolish & friends in your situation came to me for comfort, I always took their side on face value, and believed them %100. I had several people come to me with a similar situation and what I've learnt in life is that if the plaintiff is overly energised, overly angry, overly self-righteous, stomping around and not just damn sad, they in fact have cheated themselves, hope to cheat, want to cheat or fantasise about cheating. that's why they're so vigorous, because they know it is also inside of them. I guess I was gullible, dumb, young and stupid. But not anymore.

I think you guys will sort it, everything you feel is normal.

Health is the priority right now.

Good Luck

16ShadesofBlue · ‎18-11-2016

Cornstarch thanks for your reply, To put it in context I suspect she had me 'sidelined' because he started seeing her the week before or after he started the affair (he was seeing someone else before that). She knew he was having an affair so I suspect me being there would have been inappropriate given my husband thought I would never find out. She put me in an incredibly confronting situation the day after I found out my husband was having an affair....without having any clue about my own mental health. When I called to clarify some information she was incredibly rude and condescending on the phone.

Even when I had PND I always talked to my husband. Yes I do know what mental health is like. I have had other close family members suffer debilitating depression. Believe me. I know. That is why I also know that I am in a very bad place. I am only reaching out here as I have NOONE to talk to. I have told my closest friend as I know she would be supportive of my decision to reconcile....but there's only so much I can/would divulge to someone else.

I have been incredibly supportive of my husband's mental health journey. Even since I found out about the affair. I have been supporting him through everything. I have tried to be compassionate, empathetic and loving with regards to his inner turmoil and his diagnosis. We HAVE talked a lot about that.

I am not sure I am 100% understanding your last paragraph? I hope you're not implying I am stomping being self righteous around by being here? Seriously? That is what someone would think if I confided in them? An affair is something I know I would 100% never consider.

Yes I used the word trauma. Please don't underestimate what I am going or how I am feeling. Yes I know the seriousness of my husband's diagnosis. Me coming in here was not intended to downplay the seriousness of that. Both my GP and psychologist and all the reading material I have been given (including this site) describe infidelity as an emotional trauma. You obviously think I am being attention seeking/dramatic?

It's been 2 months with no support is really pretty far 'down the track' especially if you read up on healing from infidelity. Especially when you were borderline depressed before finding out. It's probably why I have arrived in here and my mental health has plummeted. Because I have no support and I needed SOMETHINg in order to stay in control.

Anyway we're all different. Everyone reacts differently to different circumstances.

Dr_Kim · ‎22-11-2016

Hi 16ShadesOfBlue,

Having read through this post I am struck by your strength , wisdom, compassion and clarity of expression. You really have a wonderful way with words. I found myself really feeling your mixed emotions – on the one hand wanting to be the supportive and caring wife to a man who is going through a hard time , and on the other hand wanting to look after your own needs and attend to what you feel and what you need to express.

All the while, you have a third hand ( not anatomically possible I know! ) which is being a caring nurturing mothering, keeping a mask of happy family on for them. It’s a lot to juggle and you express it so well in your posts.

I wanted to refer you to the wonderful work of the highly respected therapist Ester Perel . She has done a lot of work on couples and also on affairs and the meaning of them.. Look at her great Ted talk on youtube

She also has a great website

One of the gems that I have taken from her work is that most of us will have more than one marriage … sometimes with the same person ! What she means by that is that sometimes we have to accept that the “first” marriage we had with our partner is gone, now we have to renegotiate a “second” marriage and what it is going to look like.

After an affair, it is a good time to decide if you both want to enter into your “second marriage” and if so, what will that look like? What are our needs now, 20 years after our first marriage vows? How is it different? How have we changed in those 20 years? What do we know about ourselves and each other now that we didn’t then that might make the basis of this marriage commitment different?

What I mean is, you cant go back … neither of you can expect to go back to business as usual after the affair. Things ARE different. But you have an opportunity to decide HOW they are to be different. You said yourself that that you cant just move on like nothing ever happened and I don’t think you should. You need to spend this time working out who YOU are, what YOUR needs are, developing the strength and confidence to express them without fear of abandonment.

To have the belief in yourself that you deserve to have your needs met. If you keep putting yourself second in the belief that you are being “ a good wife”, you will cope for a while , but eventually you will start to develop resentments and anger Ultimately it is our responsibility to know ourselves and then express our needs to those around us in a calm clear way. Our partners may know us pretty well… or they may just know “ the mask” or what they want to see.. It is our job to show them some more complex sides to us and then clearly state (without anger or aggression) what we feel WE need in order to feel fulfilled, safe and happy.

I suggest you work with your therapist to clarify some of these objectives. I know he has mental health issues, but that does not render him incapable of some discussions. Bipolar illness does not mean he has no empathy, lack of intelligence or inability to tolerate some complex thoughts. It may mean that he will get “flooded” or volatile more quickly if overloaded with negative emotions so any discussions may have to go slow and be calm and clear… but I see no reason to proceed once YOU have sorted out your own needs and feel strong enough to present them in. It may even be a relief to him .

I’m sure he WANTS you to be happy, and I think he needs to know that talking to him will make you happy even if he doesn’t have answers. He just needs to say “I hear you” , or “I can absolutely see how you can feel like that”. Just acknowledging of the problem is a terrific starting point. Solutions come later.

Good luck with your “second marriage”. I feel hopeful that you can move through he chaos of this and find peace again .. but only if BOTH of you work together to create it.

PS therapists can really be super valuable in all of this as long as you feel they are neutral . You might need to find one that is not aligned to either you or your husband .

16ShadesofBlue · ‎22-11-2016

Thank you for your excellent post and kind words Dr Kim. A lot to ponder.

Funny I actually ordered one of Ester Perel's books over the weekend after reading about her! I haven't had a chance to look at the TED talk but might sneak that in tonight. There is some truth for me about it feeling like the start of a 'second marriage' together. And I am very optimistic it can be better and more fulfilling even if different. It's really strange because although it's been the worst 2 months of our lives in some ways we've been closer than we have in a long time. There's just so so much going on. We definitely will seek some therapy independently of our own therapists!

My husband is the most empathetic, caring wonderful human. He is also highly intelligent and a deep thinker. Everyone loves him and loves to be around him. He cares very deeply about helping others and even mentoring others through challenges. It's possibly part of the reason the infidelity was such a kick as it is so far from who he thought he was. It's also hard to see him struggling so much with his diagnosis. Hopefully he will be more at peace with that as his medication is stabilised.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is still relatively fresh. At the moment I still wake up every morning and get a shock when I realise it's real.

Anyway thanks again, I was not in a good place on Friday. Your post helps.

I DO need to find me again.