Infidelity, mental health, lost and broken

[16ShadesofBlue]

2 months ago I accidentally discovered that my husband and partner of 20 years had a 2 month affair with a 'friend', someone who I was led to believe was supporting him through his own mental health journey and who was also trying to befriend me at the same time. I ignored my instincts that something wasn't right, other friends were telling me it was good for him. He was happy. To complicate things the same week, he was diagnosed with Bipolar2. Me finding out about his infidelity sent him to a new low. We both want to reconcile. He is now on mood stabilisers and is distraught at the trauma he has caused (he truly believed I would never find out). I am trying to be supportive and keep 'life' swimming along for our two beautiful happy children. I feel like I am wearing a mask because I have to pretend everything is ok. And I am NOT ok. I am physically not coping I feel ill, my stomach knotted, my heart hurts and now my jaw and teeth ache. I have to force myself to eat during the day and I am not sleeping well. I drop the kids at school and come home and cry. I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up have my life back. I had made positive changes this year, building my self worth. eating well and being active. Things were falling into place. But now I am scared and overwhelmed with all the things I am feeling. I have no joy for any of the activities that previously gave me fulfillment. I have an overwhelming obsessive hatred and anger towards the other woman which I know is not healthy...but I am plagued by images and thoughts in my head of their intimacy and it scares me that they will never fade. It makes me so anxious that I don't know what way is up. I feel panicked being people and I feel panicked being alone. My self worth has plummeted to a new low and I am scared I am heading into a bad place. I have had PND and there is also a history of anxiety and depression on my side of the family tree. Every morning I wake up overwhelmed with grief that it is still real and I cannot breathe. This does not feel like my life. I am disconnected. I don't feel alive. I just feel like I want to run away. I am outwardly doing all the right things (GP, psychologist etc) and everything I read tells me the way I am feeling is normal for the first 3 months and that I may not feel completely ok again for years. Please tell me it gets better. I love him. I should hate him. But I love him. I feel broken and I do not like the person I am becoming.

[Bailey13]

Great advice Dr Kim. It's pretty much what I've been saying to my husband.. that our first marriage is over and marriage #2 needs to somehow be BETTER than the first (even though i treasured my first and was unaware we had issues). But I feel to do that i need to understand what was wrong with our first marriage. I don't for a second believe depression was the reason he cheated, me and our marriage were in the firing line for a reason. I can take responsibility for my fails if he brings them to my attention. And then I think if we become aware of those flaws and mistakes we can put strategies in place to avoid them in the future, ie communicate more etc. My husband requires a lot of ego stroking... compliments (ie I'm in trouble if i don't notice he's had his hair cut) and affection (ie will take it personally if I'm 'not in the mood' and asks for my reassurance that I still love him etc), that plus a couple of kids to care for is quite exhausting. So I think that's probably where i failed and he found all that with someone else. I'm really struggling to provide him with all that now, after he's done the total opposite for me, but I appreciate it's an imperative part of moving forward. I feel like I'm always putting in the work to reconnect when things start to drift, i wish i could see/feel some extra special effort from him, just to help me believe he still loves me and is not sticking around because it's easier than dragging us all through a separation. I feel time apart would actually do us good, but I can't bare the thought of all our family and friends finding out what happened and the reactions and judging that unavoidably happens, i think that would make the pressure feel even worse. Mind you, if everyone knew i wouldn't feel so terrified going out in public worrying someone will as me about it. i feel very stuck. If we were apart he might actually make some moves to fight for me, rather than making me feel i should simply forgive him because he has emotional issues. Sorry to rant but thank you so much for your reply to 16shades, it's helped me also and i look forward to the tedx talk.

And 16shades I'm really feeling for you and I'm right there in spirit, in your corner with everything crossed that you find the peace and happiness you deserve! If you do find some kind of magic glue that puts all the pieces together... please share! Take care.

[Bailey13]

Thank you so much for the tedx link dr kim, i got so much positive out of it, she is brilliant! Wish I could speak to my husband with the same confidence, clarity and conviction! She knows her stuff and i respect her knowledge so much!!! I understand my husband was desperate for something better, to make himself feel better, just as she mentioned I feel that too, but I am still left with the question as to why he did it at my expense and why did he gamble with our marriage. Some ppl pop pills or do other destructive things in an effort make themselves feel better, but he was well aware he was hurting me and he kept lying and kept doing it. I don't know how to be at peace with knowing he was making conscious choices that were destroying me, repeatedly. And then one day he somehow came to the conclusion that he doesn't love her and wants to be with me. It's all so confusing. But that talk has given me some good advice and how to ask questions to get the answers that i need. So thank you again, this whole topic needs to be less taboo and this tedx talk needs to be shared widely! I'm sure there are so many of us suffering in silence because of the shame and fear of judgement, it's wrong

[16ShadesofBlue]

The TED talk was spot on. Thanks again for sharing. She is a really inspiring speaker and I am so glad I've already ordered her book.

Bailey I completely relate to what you are saying. It's still hard to accept that this hurtful thing was done repeatedly yet they say they love you and want to be with you. I want to believe but it feels 'blind' and I am so scared he will change his mind or realise he doesn't love me and it is just the remorse talking. I too have a better course of questioning after watching that. It's funny when the interview with Hilary's friend on one of those Sunday night shows came on and the interviewer was pushing 'why why did she stay with him' they went to an ad break for 'suspense'. I was really cranky at how they were editing it and turned to my husband and said....I hope they say it was simply because she loved him. I was so relieved when the friend did indeed say it was just that, and that she is an incredibly strong courageous woman for doing so. I can't even imagine the horror of something so public. The shame of staying is a real thing. And it is so wrong.

PS if I find that magic glue I will post it here. I am still searching even though I fear it doesn't exist! Take care too. It's hideously hard and the way it makes your brain behave defies any logic thinking, You deserve peace and happiness too. Hoping we both find it again....frustrating because we both thought we had it!!!

[Blinky31]

Hi...my story is not different to other stories I have read... nevertheless is new to me. 11 months ago when my father was dying I found that my partner of 9 years was cheating. According to my partner there was no physicality to it other than kissing and fondling...the had a thing for at least 2 months..my guess, because details are sketchy. There was a lot of laughing, emotional connection and lengthy discussion about all our struggles, sex life, my relationship with my child, relationship with my family and my dad's imminent death. The gist of these conversations lead them to conclude that I was a narcissist and a month before my dad's passing, my partner left me.. Needless to say my world became a rubble of pain, desilusion, hurt, humiliation, grief and loss. A couple of days later, my partner came back.. uncertain about what motivated this change. A month after Christmas I buried my beloved dad, whom I may add had lived with me for the last 16 years of his life. The last year, I have spent it dealing with my partner's alcohol addiction, drink driving charge and attempted suicide, the loss of my dad, a failing business, working 2 jobs to keep our heads above water, my son's separation from his wife...I'm not sure who or what I am anymore...at times I feel that dying in my sleep would be such a beautiful option to stop the pain and the thoughts that consume my day and fill my nights...where to from here? I guess that is my question. X

[Danijar78]

I know this was posted a few years ago but it has resonated with me so much and my situation the last 6-9 months. Was wondering how things went with you and your husband years on. Are you still together and how did you manage it all.
thanks