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In a relationship thats not a relationship

Community Member
I moved into college this year with no intention of dating anyone due to a recent break up. I started sleeping with a guy who said he didnt want a relationship and I thought it was just a couple time thing but then he told me he liked me. A little while later he said he wanted to be exclusive. Its been almost a year now. I sleep in his room every night. I love him and have brought up wanting to be in a relationship with him before several times but he always says hes happy with the way things are and he doesnt want a relationship on college because it doesnt work out. Last night I was upset about something my dad said to me and wanted a hug for some comfort but he wouldn't. He ended up calling me too dependant and then we ended up talking. I told him that I love him and he said he knows abd he doesn't like it because he doesn't want to hurt me. From the start he's warned me that I'll probably end up getting hurt by being with him. I dont remember exactly what we talked about because it was very late at night, but I remember he said that hes still looking for the one, I said thats not me is it, he said not currently. I asked him why and he said im immature, I believe he means emotionally. Hes around 3 years older than me. This really hurt me and I dont know what to do about it. He did quietly say he loves me but he wont let himself. We're kind of acting like it never happened but it's hurting me so much. I dont know what to do.
4 Replies 4

Community Member
Hi Kittyazure, Stop feeding him your love and life, soon you will be left with nothing. You’re worth a boyfriend who loves you back and makes you feel like a million bucks. Don’t settle for second best sometimes nothing is better then a little bit of something. While you are wasting time on him you’re not looking for something healthy and rewarding the things he has said to you are borderline abusive. Dan..

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Kitty welcome

Love hurts, I hope you are ok?

Ive had 4 loves and all 3 prior to my wife now have broken my heart. At the time of heartbreak it was the end of the world. But that isnt reality. Reality in your case, is some level of incompatility, sadly. Your needs for companionship and commitment differ.

What I eventually proved to myself on each occasion of my ex's is that love is possible with another person AND that other needs of mine were met.

This will be hard for you to accept at this time.

You could however pull back for a while. It might be that he realises his love for you is not replaceable.

I can underdtand you hoping his commitment level would improve and its rare someone sticks to such when love arrives.

Be brave.

Tony WK

Community Member

Hi kitty

Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. How can he want to be exclusive but not a relationship? Pretty easy to work out if you think like a college aged male.

While you focus on him, the person who wants you for the right reasons could be right in front of you. (We don't live in fairy tale land, but you get my point)

As dan said, if what he says isnt abusive its at a minimum offensive.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Kitty, I'm very sorry but this guy just wants you for one reason and one reason only, he's taking advantage of you, which is building up your hopes that the two of you will end up having a r/ship, well that's what you are now in a r/ship, which he won't recognise.
He will leave you first chance he gets, once he finds someone he wants to be with until then he is only using you to satisfy his needs.
His words of love mean absolutely nothing they're false words, and he only says this to keep you with him.
You sound like a lovely girl wanting to find someone to love you and respect you, but being manipulated by a him, I'm really sorry to mention this, but I don't want to see you getting hurt. Geoff.