idek. loneliness I guess.
I am so lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore I'm approaching 22 years of age, and I identify as gay for the most part.
Despite being lorded constantly(not to toot my own horn), by both men and women that I am apparently extremely attractive, I've never been on a date or had a relationship.
Hell, even sex is even a rarity; during my two decades on this earth, I've had sex 6 times total with 5 different people. It's not through lack of opportunity either, but moreso for my general disdain for sleeping around, like, I seem to have some sort of mental barrier which just prevents me having any sexual attraction to someone, unless I know and are attracted to their mind and personality first. (basically every time I've had sex in the past has been heavily substance fueled or non-consensual, which seem to be the only way for me to overcome said barriers)
I recently fell in love with a boy however. I never would have thought it possible, I didn't even believe in love till I met him and to make that even more amusing it was more or less love at first sight (I'm quite empathic, so I get wicked vibes off people, but when I met him his soul was just so beautiful and sad and I knew that I wanted to help him and that I would do anything for him).
Anyway, despite him believing himself straight prior, he soon admitted he felt similarly which caused him a lot of confusion (which I feel bad about), but yeah like we cuddled and kissed and stuff for a week or two even out in public but then he kinda receded back into his shell and stopped talking to me and the next day he had a girlfriend. So yeah, that kinda hurt me a lot. especially since I decided to be the bigger person and try remain friends despite it all... so now I just have to suffer through the heart break of seeing them all happy together and stuff.
but like I just can't get rid of this void inside me, the feeling of emptiness and loneliness which is crippling me. I've always been alone prior to this and lonliness has never bothered me until now, so I'm not sure how to cope and it's playing on my anxiety and the fact that I'm alone certainly doesn't help with the self loathing I've got going on either cause I keep going over in my heads reasons why I wasn't good enough even though I know that's stupid. I dunno, guess I just wanted to rant to someone or with any luck someone can help me or has been through similar convoluted feelings?
Hey mate, I caused myself a lot of anxiety and heartbreak when I was younger by falling for straight or confused guys. I found I just had to let those guys go, if the feelings are too strong you can't be friends. At least not in the short term. You may be saying "I'm being the stronger one" by staying friends, it's actually just an excuse to remain close in the hope that something will happen. Harsh I know, but it doesn't serve you any use to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn't love you back. It's always going to be an unequal friendship.
As for the sex, it's not a race. Some people wouldn't have as much sex in a lifetime as you've mentioned. It's a bit of a worry that the sex you have had seems to have been while on something, and the non consensual part is not good. I take it you mean that you were assaulted against your will? Have you been tested for HIV and other STIs? As an HIV poz guy I learnt the hard way.
Justin said it all really, I get tested regardless these days it is quick, (Pronto in Vic and a[TEST] in NSW other states have similar).
Even though it didn't work out this time it is good to know that you can have the feelings and be in a relationship. I am sure that believing that it is possible is half the battle.
It does hurt and let you down when these things happen. It is important to spoil yourself a little, because you are worth it. My method is to have a chick flick marathon complete with chocolate icecream.
I can sense a lot of pain, confusion and especially grief as you explain what happened with the guy you fell in love with.
You described that there's like a block or barrier up preventing you being sexually attracted to someone until you know their mind and like them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that! Quite a few people I've chatted to on here and off of here are like that where it's not about physical attraction, it's about mental and emotional attraction - sometimes regardless of the sex of the person they are emotionally attracted to. You're not alone there, so try to just go with your intuition. It might end up hurting sometimes, but that will help develop your intuition to reduce that in the future.
I think lots of us gay/bi boys have fallen for a straight guy, there's something alluring about them, especially if they are a little unsure about themselves and want to explore their own sexuality. Unfortunately the fallout is that sometimes the guys discover that their curiosity about men has been satisfied and it's not what they are after. Ouch. That can really hurt and I feel that in your post.
It's likely that you might experience a set of feelings that are common and natural when we lose something that is important to us. You said it was love at first sight. This can make the other person extremely important and treasured.
So there's a natural set of emotions that we experience after a loss. Grief. Some of the emotions might begin with shock and disbelief, then anger, then regret and "if only I did x, y or z" then we might feel down for a while and finally we reach a place where it's OK.
Please have a read of "The Facts" then "Grief and Loss" at the bottom or top of the page.
With regard to liking someone before sexual attraction. That's natural for so many people. It means you are attracted to minds before bodies - which is actually quite admirable!
What are your thoughts GuiltyPrince?