I want to separate from my husband but don't know how

[GoodWitch]

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married.

I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been totally closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me. After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. Then I asked him to read a book I’d found helpful, but he was offended that I was 'picking on him' and very angry about it. He said hurtful things I’ve never been able to forget. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago.

He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. I’ve tried to initiate some fun activities for us but we don’t enjoy the same things and neither of us end up having a good time.

Intimacy is also a problem. For years I was having sex in order to keep the peace and now I just feel used up, like I’m not even capable of enjoying it anymore. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. It’s been months since I’ve tried and I don't want to again. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him. but the real problem isn't the sex it's the lack of connection. I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to.

I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? I only work part time, and I don’t want to move the kids even if I could afford to. And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I’m still seeing my own counsellor, but I think it's gotten to the point where more talking about the same issues won't help. I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing.

Thank you

[Mountain_Air]

Thanks for sharing your story, GW.

I'm in a similar situation, about 20 yrs of marriage, 3 lovely kids, and my hub is essentially a good, caring person but it's the disconnection. When my kids were little, I had no income or prospects and felt trapped. Then things improved especially after my MIL stayed with us for a while and kept praising me. He seemed to be able to lighten up and to appreciate me more.

But now, my kids are late teens, one in primary school and I have a good job. Like you, I tried to be patient. I did all the emotional work. Every few months, frustration builds up and I sit him down and tell him frankly, and in a non-judgey way: "this is my issue, this is why it's important, this is exactly what I need/want from you" because they keep saying, "don't expect ppl to read your mind etc". His response is either lighthearted, like I'm the one who's inventing problems, or "fine, that's easy" but then nothing. I'm not going to nag him about it every day.

It got so bad that I connected with an old flame and stuff almost happened. That old flame is blocked out of my life now but I'm still having thoughts about finding someone else and that's how I know this is a serious problem. I don't want to do the wrong thing.

My plan was to ask him to find his own place when my youngest finishes primary school (so end of next year). We were planning to move near the high school that we plan to send him to anyway so I thought that would be a good time for me to find a place for me and the kids and he can find his own place. But he has no income right now and apart from short contracts he's been out of work for several years. I looked at the rent prices for studio apartments in the area so he can be near to the kids but there's no way he'll be able to afford it on Centrelink alone.

I don't know how to handle this. I'm going to try to help him find work in the meantime.

I haven't yet told him that I want out and this secret is really exhausting me. I don't know if I can (should?) keep my mouth shut until what I consider to be the right time.

[GoodWitch]

Hi Taylz,

I don't think you're horrible. I spent a lot of years berating myself in the same way, punishing myself for not feeling what I was 'supposed' to be feeling. It didn't change things and then all that was wasted time being stuck in negative self talk that doesn't change the end result: you are not happy in your relationship. It doesn't fulfil any of your emotional needs. No, your hub doesn't mean to let you down in this way but the result is the same. You are lonely, depressed, then eventually bitter, resentful and all the rest.

The two options are, he makes an effort to change who he is so he can meet some of your needs, you go to counselling, perhaps he goes individually, and you both meet in the middle. I tried that with my relationship and even though it didn't I am glad i at least tried it. However, I have kids and felt I had to do that. Perhaps without that extra responsibility, you can choose a second option, which is kindly end things now. Allow both of you to go your separate ways. It's very difficult, but the alternative is you living an unhappy life indefinitely.

I hope you're coping, and that you can find a way back to self fulfilment.

GW

[GoodWitch]

Thanks for your thoughts Mammakins. I hope you're doing okay.

Mountain Air

You said "His response is either lighthearted, like I'm the one who's inventing problems, or "fine, that's easy" but then nothing." That is exactly how my husband responded to me when I asked for emotional support, and then if I persisted he would get angry and give me a laundry list of all the ways that I was inadequate, in an effort I guess to make me see nobody was perfect, so I would just accept the way he was. It worked for a lot of years, I felt like I didn't have a right to ask him for any effort, because obviously I didn't deserve it. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

So when I finally told him this is it, I'm not doing this anymore, yes it did hurt him. But he hurt me too, so many times over the years by making me feel like I was not a priority for him. He chose to make me feel like I was crazy for having needs instead of doing a single thing to address them, just because it was hard for him. That made me realise that even though I was causing him pain, it was necessary. Because staying was causing me agony too and I didn't deserve that. I had a right to save myself even if it cost him.

If that is where you are, if you really feel you've given him every possible chance to support you and save the marriage, and he hasn't taken the necessary steps, for your own survival I think leaving becomes your only option. As for when, I said before there is no real 'right' time, you just get to a point where you have to. Waiting until your child is in high school sounds like a good plan, if you can do it. but keeping the secret will be hard for you. I think it made me physically sick and run down. If your husband is a good kind man like you say, maybe you can talk to him about this so he's aware of where things are headed and he has time to adjust. As awkward as it can be living with someone in that situation, i feel better now than I did when my hub had no idea I wanted out. At least we have honesty between us, if not much else.

Just my thoughts. Wishing you the best.

GW

[testingfate]

Hello,

Going through this discussion has given me some consolation that "this too shall pass". I've been married for 4years now.Initially our problems started in the bedroom and hub never acknowledged it.It took him over an year to realise that it was an issue,I was trying to be understanding of the situation but that backfired.Due to the lack of physical intimacy and not acknowledging the problem I ended up inflicting pain and stress building up inside me. Now I am depressed.Our communication took a hit from both of our ends.I built an impenetrable wall around me .I recently after months of contemplation decided to tell him that I want out of this marriage. I am only 33 and have a long life ahead of me. I want to be happy. Me having brought this up has not done anything, its been 2 months and he hasn't discussed about it(just like other problems). Sometimes I think of just leaving without saying anything, but then i'm torn between I owe it to him to explain I want to separate and my frustration that he thinks this will blow over. He thinks I want to leave at first sign of problem.I am not, I have tried for better part of 4 years, But I guess I left this marriage 6 months ago in my head. I do not see a future.He even was surprised that I wanted to separate. Now he says he wants to make things work & I just do not have the feelings to make it work. I do not know what to do And am having to go through all of this all alone. I have been seeing a therapist coz I disconnected so much with my own feelings that I couldn't feel anything anymore. But now all I feel is fear and anxiety. Every time I think of bringing it up, I have anxiety attacks. I feel so lost and helpless and alone.

Thank you for hearing me out.

[Mountain_Air]

Hi testingfate

testingfate said:

Me having brought this up has not done anything, its been 2 months and he hasn't discussed about it(just like other problems). Sometimes I think of just leaving without saying anything, but then i'm torn between I owe it to him to explain I want to separate and my frustration that he thinks this will blow over.

That seems to be a standard response by some partners when their partner tells them they are thinking of separating, ie do nothing and hope for the best. It is frustrating.

Sometimes I think I don't owe my husband an explanation as to why I want to leave because I have been communicating the same issues over and over again so let him now do some work and think about why I am asking to separate. I haven't told him yet but I have basically cut myself off from any physical contact or any emotional intimacy. I've never done this before in 20 yrs and it still doesn't occur to him to try to talk to me about it. And no, I'm not playing games or testing his reaction. It's because it's all I can do to stop myself from losing it and to keep functioning as I need to be strong and responsible for my kids. I just don't have any capacity left to have that connection with him.

If you are serious about leaving if things don't improve, you might want to set a date. Say, three months in house separation. If no action from his part, you might want to continue the separation with some distance between you by living in separate places for another 3 months or so. Then see what happens from there.

What I'm hearing from you and others on this thread (including me) is that we have been shouldering a lot of the relationship burden ourselves and may have been spoonfeeding our partners, in a way, when it comes to making sure that the relationship is working. That's why, we get burned out after a while - especially since you probably have other sources of stress in your life.

I don't know the answer but I would say at the very least, be kind to yourself by prioritising what is important in your life and try not to take all the responsibility of your relationship. After all, it's the responsibility of both partners to be checking in with each other and sharing issues as belonging to both of them, not just the one who is having a particular problem in the relationship. Once you stick to the basics in your life, try to settle and be calm emotionally then when you're up for it, see how you want to handle the relationship problem.

[Mountain_Air]

Thanks for your response GW.

I think you are right about being honest with my husband. I guess I'll try to help him find work first, well I'll wait for a reasonable amount of time like 3 to 6 months for him to find something. Then I'll tell him that I'm done working on this relationship. I suppose I would cooperate if he tries to make changes but I just can't muster any more willpower to work on it. At this stage, I think the only thing I really owe him is to tell him my intentions about leaving. If he wants to know why, that will be his job to figure out.

How are you going? It's been over a year since your first post. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

[TunnelVision]

Hello everyone. I just wanted to chime in here because I have been through all the tumult that you are all describing and am now divorced. I have learned a few things from my experience so I thought I would share as it might help some of you who are considering separation.

First, communication is key. I know when things are bad in a relationship and you have always been in the role of "fixer" that it can make you feel resentful that are still expected to fix this broken thing, but to truly give your marriage/relationship a chance (especially if you are in counselling) you need to keep talking.

Second, separation/divorce is much harder than you think it is going to be. Even if you have it all mapped out that you are going to do x, y and z, you are still going to go through a lot of emotions, your finances are going to be different etc. It is hard and I do not recommend it unless you are 110% certain that it is the right thing to do.

Third, if there are kids it is really important to put them first to keep the impact on them to a minimum.

Fourth, divorce is more expensive than you think it's going to be. Legal fees, plus if one of you moves out, the other person has to set up a new home and that costs money.

Fifth, if you are someone with depression/anxiety, a divorce is not going to fix that. Sure, bad relationships can contribute to your depression/anxiety, but it will still be with you afterwards, so it is important to get yourself into a good state mentally and physically before going through the trauma of a divorce because believe me, it is not an easy ride. If you are the one initiating the separation, you are still going to grieve and you need to be prepared for that as well.

Sixth, you will really find out who is on your side when you go through a divorce/separation. I had friends who totally abandoned me, some who were there all the way, some people who I considered more acquaintances who reached out to me and offered me their support and assistance.

As I said, I have been through it already and 4 years later am now happily divorced. It has not been easy though.

Best wishes to you all and I hope each of you can resolve your situations one way or the other.

[Rhonda_B]

Thanks for sharing this.

[Mountain_Air]

Thanks for sharing this TunnelVision. I will keep trying.

[Mooioio]

Hi Goodwitch,

I came across your post while searching for an answer for my own problem. Reading yours and others comments here felt like my own. I too wanting to leave my 15 years relationship. I am lucky in a sense we don’t have kids yet and I am also working full time as well as being a bread winner in our relationship. I don’t have much to tie me down with my hub. Only thing keep preventing me from walking out is the commitments, sentiments and sympathy I have towards him.

All the blames, verbs abuse, immaturity, stonewall, and selfishness were driving me crazy and I was about to walk out and call everything off. But then when I realised he was in bad depression. I decided to stay. I couldn’t bare to leave him alone knowing there are history of depression in his family. I stayed to give him the support he needs through the tough times. He doesn’t get along well with his family- and i don’t blame him, it is the upbringing that made him so weak dealing with life challenges and difficulties. He doesn’t have many friends neither. So here I am couldn’t make the tough decision to leave.

Our communication is terrible. Our sex life is non existence. Our relationship issues are not resolved. But I made his depression my priority. There are days that I feel suffocated and questioned myself why I put myself in this situation and why I didn’t leave when I was ready let go of everything... but knowing there are others in the similar situation like me , even more difficult with kids and finance and other commitments. I felt like I am not alone.

Goodwitch, I am glad you made the final tough decision to move on and take care of your self first. I hope everything work out for you.

Moo.