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I need help, boyfriend won't speak to me

Community Member

My boyfriend of 9 mths (friends for a year before) stopped speaking to me a month ago. He had been under a lot of stress/pressure for a while and told me many times he would need to cut back on communication to deal with it (we're long distance until the end of next yr). Since I have abandonment issues and unresolved trauma (possibly remnants of PTSD), I kept flying into a frenzy and trying to seek reassurance from him that we were okay. His natural response (since he struggles with mood also) is to pull away and take space

I think it got too much for him at one point because he'd asked me to stop blowing up his phone with messages/calls and I just lost it one night. Afterwards I apologised, told him I would take a break and a few days later sent him an apology acknowledging my issues. He already knows I have abandonment issues and unresolved trauma

I have continued to apologise and send small, supportive messages every 4-5 days. Before when I was blowing up his phone, he wouldn't read them for a week but now he reads them almost instantly so I know he still cares. I have told him that I know I'm at fault and will wait for when he's ready to talk to me

Thing is, I am not coping at all. I have constant anxiety, some days I can't get out of bed until 1pm, some nights I can't sleep. Some days I eat too much and other days I can hardly eat anything. I'm dreaming about him too, and in my dreams I'm trying to seek reassurance from him and he's quite literally running away, while all this crazy stuff is happening around us. I think a perfect metaphor for what's going on right now, my subconscious understands but my conscious mind won't let me have peace. Will he return? Should I keep talking to him with no response?Should I wait for him to contact me first, and if so, how long? This is hard for me since my abandonment issues require that I get some sort of closure - if I knew he wasn't coming back, that'd be okay, but I'm scared I'll just never hear from him again. I can't deal with that because it would be too cruel of him. I don't think he would have any issue telling me that we're done, I think the best explanation is he just can't cope with the relationship right now and I can't bring myself to say to him it's over because really this was my fault

Does anyone know what I can do, either to speak to him on his level or to handle myself well in this situation? It's so damn hard

2 Replies 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Miel, it's always difficult when someone has realised that depression maybe taking over their life, so they want to be alone, this doesn't necessarily mean they don't love you, it's just they actually don't know because they can't and don't want to even think about the r/ship, and by asking him by phone or text whether he does is going to annoy him, because he has no answer for you.
The general census is that you try and restrict asking him the same question every time you have the opportunity, I know that it's something you desperately want to know, but if he wants to contact you, he will.
You can send him text messages every now and then, but what you need to do is go and see your doctor, because if you can't resolve your previous issues, then the same situation will happen again, whether with this b/friend or when you meet someone else.
Once you begin counselling then you can tell your b/friend what you are doing, when there is contact. Geoff.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Miel,

Welcome to the community here. I see that Geoff has offered you some kind thoughts and suggestions. Depression and other mental health issues can be difficult to deal with at the best of times for an individual, let alone while trying to hold a relationship together.

When we are feeling so low, it can be difficult to pick ourselves up again. I understand and acknowledge the struggle. You do seem to have a good understanding of what is happening for you both, that is a good start.

It is not easy to "Pull your socks up" so to speak or not to worry about things. If we can find ways to lessen the impact of issues in our life, that certainly helps us feel better within ourselves.

Some days it is just so darn hard to find the strength to continue on, it is there, we just need to locate it and use it for our own good.

Cheers from Dools