I'm worried about my son and his "unplanned" babies..

[Debbls]

My son has twin babies. I'm so worried because they weren't planned for (at least not right now) and as they've grown, I've seen such anger and resentment grow too... It worries me that he verbally shows just how angry and resentful he is in front of these little ones and the way he speaks to his partner is totally unacceptable... he is not always like this, but his flair ups are frequent... He won't leave because staying is the loyal and right thing to do (my father left my mother when I was 6 weeks old and 3 years ago, his father and I were divorced...not for any other reason than we simply grew apart) I've asked him to seek help but "that's just a waste of time and talk is cheap", I think if he admits that he's having a difficult time, he'll see it as a failure or it's not manly...who knows? I'm worried too about his partner, she's done a stellar job with these babies and though she can push buttons too, I fear she is coming to the end of her tether...

I have no idea how to help him..he knows how much he is loved...how do you help someone who is in denial...

[Jacko777]

Hi Debbls, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

How to help someone in denial, how good it would be to work that one out! No doubt it is different for everyone, people respond to different things and I hope your son is motivated to change at some point.

You say he wants to do the 'right thing', surely that would include the example he sets for his children. As you know, just staying in a relationship is not always the best thing for the kids but certainly it's worth giving his best shot. Obviously seeking help is not a waste of time and I guess all you can do is keep reminding him, from a loving point of view, that with a bit of support he can find new ways to find calmness and happiness, for his own sake and that of the family.

I wonder what situations prompt these flair ups, perhaps he could be doing more outside of the family so that he doesn't feel like he is missing out. Perhaps he could be avoiding situations that trigger him?

You can tell him from me, having a family is quite often difficult and challenging, he is not alone there and the only failure would be to ignore the problems and hope they go away, you and I know they don't. Being a good Dad is being aware of the different needs of the family, finding a happy medium, nothing is ever perfect and perhaps he needs to embrace the imperfections. There would be a mountain of good books on the subject if you wanted to do some research and suggest one to him. Babies can be so challenging but they don't stay babies for long, things will change. I hope you get some tips from others on here.

With love you can address each issue with him as it arises, if you have time. Talk is not cheap, it has saved many souls, mine included. Talk any time.

Jack

[Debbls]

Hello Jack...

Powerful words and I thank you for them...my son means the world to me and I feel so helpless...

[Jacko777]

Thanks Debbls, I appreciate your reply.

Helpless...some times all we can do is give people space to learn their own lessons, yep, it can be hard to watch, but we have all learnt our greatest lessons through experience. Have hope that your son will have to grow through this and become an even better person.

Perhaps have a think about how your son can avoid the situations that trigger his anger, next time these feelings start to rise in him, what can he do to avoid the situation or at least switch his thoughts to something more positive. If he is resentful about the amount of time he spends with the family he needs to be sure to allocate time for himself, to do what he wants. These are just my amateur ideas of course, he would benefit from some time with a professional counsellor so he can be clear about where his feelings are coming from. But you know that.

Jack