I’m sorry, I’m selfish.
I’m a newbie here, this is my first post and I’m a little nervous but I thought I would give this a go..
a bit of background info: I suffer from anxiety and depression, I have since I was a kid - (I lost very close relatives due to illness) and had trouble dealing with that growing up but always thought ‘this is just the way I am’. It wasn’t until a few stressful events in my life just piled up and piled up (terrible work environment, another illness in the family, a sudden death amongst other things) that I kind of just broke. it all got a little too much and I tried to seek help (seen my local gp) and was told I had anxiety and depression but that’s as far as it went. I never did anything with my referral, I think because I’m not overly comfortable with letting people see my emotions (I have a good poker face) I just have a bit of anxiety following through with it all.
But lately I feel so selfish,
everything in my life is great - really! Everything just seemed to fall into place the last year or so. Aside from having my dream man, I managed to get the dream house, dream job and my friends are wonderful! yet nothing seems to make me happy. I know I should feel great but the inside of my head is a mess.. I’m not happy with the way I am - I care what people think way too much it consumes my life and I know I am way to hard on myself but If I’m not then Ill feel like I’m not trying hard enough. I’m super paranoid, I always feel guilty and I don’t know why. I have trouble communicating with people yet my job relies on it! And most of all I’m just angry at myself. Angry at myself when I can’t leave the house or go to the shops, Angry at myself for listening to the negativity in my head, angry at myself for feeling this way when I have everything to be happy about, angry at myself because there is always someone worse off and yet here I am with no reason to be sad or anxious.
Sorry if this post is long and boring, I just thought I’d try sharing my feelings for a change - I would love to know any tips or advice for loving yourself and life again !
Glad you came to the forums as they offer a chance for others to speak to that soulful part of you, that part longing for some light, to support and guide you out of your depression.
My goodness, it all sounds so familiar: Guilt, anger, negativity, inability to feel happy and grateful etc. Having been free from chronic depression for a number of years (following a 15 year battle of my own), I can tell you that what you are feeling is not the real you. What I mean is you are identifying with many of the typical traits of depression itself. If it helps, visualise depression as some nasty little creature clinging to you, whispering believable lies into your ear - imagine that the traits belong to it. Once we are out of our depression and that 'little creature' has gone, the internal dialogue and traits disappear along with it. We become free, to experience and express our true self. I can tell you, the difference is like night and day.
In depression, the chemical changes up there in our head often don't permit us to feel joy, positivity, gratitude and such. As perception is altered, we can be left fighting one super intense battle up there. It definitely helps to know your opponent when you're in such a battle which leads me to ask whether the referral from you GP is still valid. Seriously consider seeing someone who understands the battle and who can help you through it. Seeing someone professional can initially be a daunting experience but rest assured that it is the therapist who has the responsibility of getting you talking, so don't think 'What am I going to say?' And the emotion thing, don't worry too much - crying, for example, can be a form of progress and positive stress release. There is good reason as to why they keep a box of tissues in the room. By the way, crying does not signify 'weakness', it is just energy in motion doing its thing.
Vintageheart, there is nothing negative about identifying yourself as someone who is in a state of depression. The real internal torture begins when you identify yourself as 'I am someone who is hopeless, ungrateful and so on.' Remember, the way out of depression involves a path of truth and light (enlightenment). Seek some light/guidance and have faith in the fact that you possess the strength and ability to find your way.
Take care of yourself
Can I ask you to take a deep breath, because feeling like you do and having everything you want, a good husband, your dream home, great job and friends who are wonderful is a lifetime dream, but depression doesn't care a less, it will penetrate any and everything, there are no rules to who it claims and no one can prevent it from happening not unless you've been taught how to avoid the trigger points.
I feel sorry for you because this feeling can only be described by someone who suffered from it.
My sincere condolences for the loss of your relatives and family members, I know this would undoubtedly affect you and just so sorry.
Can I please suggest that you consider booking an appointment with the referral your doctor has given you because sometimes we believe we can overcome this by ourselves, unfortunately, it's too difficult as we only concentrate on the superficial problems, not those deep annoying concerns.
There are people worse off than we are, but it's this comment by you that we have to take into account.
Thankyou for talking me through things, I truly appreciate it.
I believe your right about identifying with the traits of depression (I have been feeling this way for so long I’m not sure who happy me is) But you have helped me to understand things a little more and it is so nice to hear from someone who has overcome such a battle. Thankyou for giving me some hope and for shining light at the end of my tunnel.
Thankyou for responding to my post and thankyou for your condolences.
I think I’ve always thought that the depression would pass or that I would fix it, but even when it does ‘pass’ it is not for long and I feel like it comes back tenfold. Posting on here has helped me feel a bit better about getting some help, thankyou for your support.