I'm really frustrated at my partners mother

Kayaking · ‎18-09-2016

My partner's mother is an alcoholic and is a self absorbed person that only cares about things if it's about her. We were at a family event and she picked me out to take a photo of the family. She kept saying ".... I want a family photo. You have to take the photo," even though I was the furthest away from from everyone and there were others closer to her that weren't family to take the photo. My partner and I just recently bought a house and she still has not acknowledged it to either of us. My partner tried to call her and she wouldn't answer him. He eventually got in contact with his dad but she has still not said a thing to us. My partner's brother just bought a house after us and she was excitedly talking to him and his girlfriend about their house at aa family gathering in front of us. I haven't done anything to her and she really makes me feel anxious if I know I have to be in the same place as her. I'm really upset about this that I feel that I hate everything about him and his family and that everything is a huge mistake. I don't have my own mother around as she passed away almost 4 years ago, and I don't have anybody to be proud of what I do. I just hate everything.

TheSteve · ‎19-09-2016

Hi Kayaking,

Thanks for sharing. What you describe, to me, sounds like a classic case of your partner's mother establishing an emotional control mechanism over you, similar to what she likely has over her son. This is not at all uncommon, and only gets worse the more you look for her attention, approval, and involvement in your life. If she is an alcoholic, then this is even more obviously an attempt for her to be relevant in your lives as she is otherwise consumed by her addiction.

Try ignoring her for a while - first she will likely ignore it and work behind the scenes pulling your partner's strings to remain relevant and involved; secondly she'll get angry; third she'll pull the "poor me, don't you feel for me?" card; fourth she may accept it. It could take a long time, and sobriety, for her behaviour to change however. Therefore, if you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to get some counseling with your partner (without his mother involved, of course) , and you need to agree on a method of handling her so your life does not become more difficult because of her.

Worst thing you can do is look for her approval in anything. This gives her carte blanche control over you - she can string you along emotionally if she has you seeking her approval on the house or anything else. You buy a house to live in or invest, not to get somebody else's approval. Keep this, and other life events, in mind as it unfolds.

All my best to you, we are here for you anytime.

Steve

Kayaking · ‎22-09-2016

Thank you for getting back to me. I'm not coping well with the situation at all. I just resent everyone because of it. I'm actually upset that his brother and his girlfriend get praise. I know it's about my own achievements and I shouldn't need praise but it really shits me off.

TheSteve · ‎22-09-2016

Thanks Kayaking. Resentment is a most damaging feeling - to you. The more you hold onto this, the sicker it will make you and the less control you'll have over your life. You need to let it go. Speak with a therapist and get their input.

Don't compare yourself, and learn to not seek gratification via the approval of others. This is a major dead-end road and only leads to pain. You, and all that you are, is enough in this world. You need no more.

We are here for you. All the best.

Steve

ci · ‎22-09-2016

Hi kayaking

I have a different point of view as what you have written sounds like my own mother.

Can I ask does she treat her boys the same? Is this way she is acting directed at you or is this the way she has treated your partner always.

Reason I ask is my mother can be so self centered I've always felt that she was in competition with me it's crazy! When I brought my first house she said nothing just looked around long faced same when I sold and brought a bigger better house. Started my own business so she did too.... the list just goes on.

My younger brother brought some land and she so proud of him. It's like it upsets her to see me achieve more. Like she doesn't want me to be happier or more successful than her. I know that sounds harsh but it's genuinely how it feels.

Reason I'm telling you this is maybe it's not you personally maybe it's an issue deep within her. My advice try to see it as her problem not yours don't try to force a relationship with her just focus on what you and your partner have maybe she will sense the shift and realize what she is doing.

Kayaking · ‎22-09-2016

I feel that she doesn't treat them the same. My partner's brother is the youngest and I feel that his mother favours him. My partner lived at home with his mother and when he moved out with me, I feel that she hated me for it because I took away the person that drove her everywhere. She lost her licence for drink driving a few years ago and doesn't work or have any activities, except stay at home and drink herself silly and waits for her husband to come home from work. Her own mother had a minor stroke a few months ago and hasn't gone to visit her. She's a self-absorbed drama queen. I just hate that my own mother isn't here anymore and she would have been very happy for me.