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I'm cheating on my husband online with the possibility of doing it in person

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I need help and advice on how to handle this situation.

I've been married for 7.5 years. We've had issues in the beginning that we overcame and I'll even say that we are at our best at the moment. There are some small things that I'm not happy with but we are good.

Then 6 months ago, I was at a friend's bday celebration that hubby couldn't go, which is fine. As I was there by myself and didn't know anyone else, sometime after, the bday girl introduced me to this guy, bf of her friend, as he's a marathon runner and I was training for my first half marathon. We got talking about all things running, he gave me a few tips and I added on him on Instagram. I didn't meet the gf as she was playing video games (party was at an arcade games bar).

A couple of months later he msgd me asking how did my run go and we talked a bit and that was it. And then a couple of months he msgd me (replying to one of my stories) sort of asking if I was really married and stuff and started showing signs of interest. They were broken up. And from then on we started talking heaps, he was flirting constantly and I was enjoying the attention, to be honest. And I started having "feelings" for him, very strong sexual feelings.

One day he asked me what did I think of him and I was a bit rude, he got angry, rightly so and stopped following me. I apologised but no more contact. I then msgd him a day later with a proper apology as I felt like I needed to say more. And that led to us talking again. This was last Tuesday. We were having a very open honest conversation about what feelings we provoked in each other and we were talking 4h straight. Since then, conversation is very sexual, sending provoking/revealing photos and the rush that this gives me is incredible. We even did a video call.

He's now asking to meet in person as he wants to have sex with me and the thing is: I want to. The desire is almost unbearable and I don't know how to handle it but I don't want to go ahead with it as I love my hubby very much and I know this is wrong.

But the feelings and arousal that I get from this guy is something that I have never felt before. I even had a moderate anxiety attack last week as I simply couldn't deal with all of this and he wasn't msging much that day.

Sorry for the long post but I guess I needed to add as much as possible so hopefully someone has some advice on how to handle this.

Thank you!

9 Replies 9

Community Member

The moral advice is to stay faithful to your husband and honour your marriage vows.

This other guy already made his intentions clear and showed his true colours when you first pushed back on his advances.

Here's an idea, go and tell your husband you've been having an emotional affair via messaging and pictures and your thinking about physically having sex with this man.

At least your husband then has the choice to leave you before you completely break his trust and heart.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello BDSA, thank you for posting your comment, and it does take a lot of courage to create your own thread, but I'm pleased you have.

I understand what Theborderline has said and agree that this other chap may have his intentions in mind, especially by asking you what you thought of him, however, this is what you could be excited about, his attention.

You may be facing a problem if you do engage with him and your husband finds out, that a short term affair no matter how exciting it may be, probably won't last as he will just move on to someone else, destroying not only you but also your husband and maybe your marriage.

I'm worried about these anxiety attacks, but you've caught this early because the more involved you may become with him the harder it will be to overcome.

Best wishes.


Community Champion
Community Champion


A previous poster moral advice might be correct. However, whether you tell your husband or not, and what you tell him is really your choice. I cannot impose whatever values I might have onto you. And possibly before that making that step, you might want to consider what started all this? We know his relationship broke up and came to you. But the question that I would have (and maybe not a question to answer here) is, why or what allowed to you to continue with the other man? Is there something that you feel is missing in your marriage that the other can "provide"? Could your husband provide the thing that is missing?

I wont say any more at the moment, but a little self-reflection on these questions might help you work out what to or what not to tell your husband.

Just not make rash decisions... whatever they might be,


Community Member


I know the temptation as I went through it myself, so I can definitely say the moral way is better.

You don't have to tell your husband if you do not want to, but maybe you feel he is not giving as much attention and thats why you messaged this other guy. Maybe that is something you could work together on like having date night, or no technology night where you just spend time together without any phones or tech for 12 hours. Another one could be new night where you guys try something different like a new restaurant. One I used to like doing with my ex was going to a cinema, asking the person serving to book tickets to any movie and not tell us. It was a little spontaneous. We watched some bad movies, but it was fun because we didn't know what to expect and we would make something out of it.

As a guy it sucks to admit certain things, but I know that if a guy was okay messaging in a flirting way despite knowing you were married, then it shows he has no respect for your marriage and your husband, and there is nothing to say he wouldn't do that to someone else.

I know matters of the heart and such are very very tough things to deal with, but there is no struggle we go through without a bit of a battle.

Community Member


Firstly just know I know exactly what it is you're feeling. It can feel out of control, out of your mind amazing. To be in this situation. To feel that rush, the excitement of it all. And being in a so so relationship, where you've moved on from those beginning 'feelings', is so inviting. But like a previous post said, think about this. What does it say about this guy's character that he would pursue you knowing you're married. He must have known from pretty early on and he's chosen to continue to pursue you. Also when you didn't respond one time the way he wanted, he gets angry. Instead of 'understanding' though disappointed. Hmmmm another red flag for me. Remember too, who you are and how you might feel after the 'rush' of it all dies down. And you truly get to know him after the sex is done. Living authentically and honestly is a life giver to ourselves. Be truthful to 'you'. You have to answer not to only to your husband but also to your 'self'.

Community Member

Hello BDSA, Good on you for reaching out. I have been in your husband's situation very recently, so felt I needed to comment. The grass may look greener on the other side although with care your own could flourish.

Community Member
Think twice before continuing contact with this guy. An affair, even a one-night stand, will cause so much hurt and pain. Once you have taken this to the next level there is no turning back, even if your husband eventually forgives you.

Community Member


Please think seriously before having an affair. We moved States to start a new life and I found out my husband was on Internet dating sites without me knowing until I found all the emails and photos and confronted him over it. This was 10 years ago and it has virtually destroyed our marriage because of him breaking my trust and his lies.

I cannot get over what my husband did to me, I have tried so hard to move on but it is destroying me. Please consider carefully the 7.5 years you have been married before doing anything to destroy your marriage.

Take care

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello BDSA

I just wanted to say thankyou for having the courage and honesty you possess to have posted on the forums

Also to the super kind members above that have offered their TLC in such a non judgemental way

As you have noticed you are not alone here!

my kind thoughts