I'm at wits end with his family.

[Kayaking]

It has been a while since posting but I'm feeling pretty angry and have no-one to vent to. Some years have passed and I still get the same awful feeling from my now fiance's parents and brother/partner. The mother has managed to say a few more hurtful things plus exclude me. She now has become great friends with my fiance's brothers fiance, because they are soooo fricken amazing. Ugh. Yet they helped them get their house by becoming guarantor for them because the fiance couldn't put her name down because I suspect she was studying at uni and didn't really work full-time. Although, no-one knows it. Anyway, I've tried to be nice and include them into our wedding plans and my birthday went by with none of them even saying a happy birthday, then her birthday just went by and they went out with my fiance's parents for her birthday. We didn't get invited, so I want to exclude them from the wedding plans and not associate with them anymore. I know it sounds harsh, and I've tried to talk to my fiance and he just shuts down and gives me nothing. He thinks nothing of it, yet at his birthday, his mother and his brother's fiance sat together and were best friend like, and I barely got a hello. I'm soooo livid. I'm sick of his family. I hate his mum and his self absorbed pretentious brother and fiance. I can't trust anyone with anything. I still get no support from my fiance and I'm sick of it all. I can't deal with this anymore.

[Croix]

Dear Kyaking~

Welcome back, it's been a while. You were having troubles with your boyfriend (I know he is your fiance) back then and were reluctant to be intimate wiht him. A large part of your feelings may have been based upon a lack of support, with him always wishing to avoid confrontations, but at the same time defending his friend and being prepared to repeat unflattering remarks by him.

Plus of course not assisting around the house.

You mention his mother was a problem too.

Now things seem to have escalate with your boyfriend's brother and his fiancée are getting close and substantial warm and helpful treatment and you are being ignored, or given the minimum attention possible by your boyfriend's family. Your boyfriend not taking steps to rectify this.

You have also said that talking with your boyfriend lead nowhere as he ignored matters or threw them back as being a deficiency of yours.

I have to ask - what would you like to get out of a relationship? ATM it sounds as if you come last in everyone's priorities, there is no affection, and you have no ally to support you and stand against this.

Any decent relationship is a partnership too, and each person has to feel they come first in their partner's life, not their mother, brother, friend or whatever. This is not happening here. Plus there should be a desire to help equally and ease their loved one's life as best the can.

Do you think you should step back and take stock. Are you really prepared for this situation to continue permanently? With a wedding around the corner now might be a good time.

If I've presented matters as too black and white, or in too harsh a manner then please tell me. I'm interested in what you think and your welfare

Croix

[GoodWitch]

Hi Kayaking

It's common to have problems with in-laws but what concerns me about your post is that you mention you 'get nothing' from your fiance, and that he just 'shuts down'. I take this to mean he is not willing to talk about the issues his family are causing for you or that he might not be aware of how bad things are.

All I can say is, this is the kind of thing that you should definitely try to get sorted out prior to getting married. I have an in-law problem that I've had for the entirety of my 21 year marriage and it's only now that I'm separating from my hub that I see how toxic was my MILs influence over my life. I saw that there were issues before I got married, but I guess I thought they would go away with time, or that once the ink was dry on the wedding certificate that would automatically mean I would be put first over and above my husband's family. It didn't happen that way. My hub couldn't see there was even an issue at first, thought I was overreacting (admittedly my MIL's methods are very subtle). When he finally did see that she was a toxic person he still wasn't able to put boundaries in place. As a consequence I always felt like he would rush to his mother's aid at any time day or night yet if I asked for anything I got nothing. I was put last because I didn't insist I be put first from the outset - before I took on a mother in law who would constantly battle me for my husband's attention - and usually win.

This is not the only reason we are now separating, but it is part of it. I can't deal with feeling like my feelings don't matter anymore.

So my advice to you is to know what you need, ask for it clearly, and know that you deserve your fiance's support. If he does not give it to you, that is a big red flag. Think about what will happen if children come along - if this is difficult now, a baby will only make it more so. If his family is treating you badly and dismissing you, he needs to be the one to call them out. That's his responsibility as their son and your partner. If he can't or wont do it, you need to have a serious talk about how you see your relationship working going forward.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh..? But I've been where you are and I didn't stand my ground when I should have. The result is I got 2 more decades of the same trash before I finally left. so that's where I'm coming from.

best wishes

GW