I left my partner for a crush I had during the relationship and now I am feeling lost

mooooo

Hello lovely people,

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 1 year. He was so good to me. There were many traits I loved about him; he was sociable, driven, cared for me a lot, invested in the relationship and he was a great listener. However, I couldn't help but feel that something was missing.

It was a grey area for me as I have struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I felt misunderstood, and only after the relationship did I realise his lack of understanding for me was maybe because I shut him out a bit and was terrified of opening up fully and having him see me. I just wanted him to be able to read me better.

I started developing feelings for a close friend of mine. I felt like he understood me like no one before and we had very similar humor. I loved how much we laughed together. I struggled for 6 months trying to work out whether the feelings I had for him should be a sign that I should leave my boyfriend as there was something better-suited to me out there. At the end of those 6 months, I was fed up with trying to make my relationship work. I decided to leave my partner and pursue the possibility of a relationship with my friend.

It was really nice at first. I felt like we understood each other so well. But now, I have noticed similar patterns to my last relationship starting to arise. I find myself being overly critical of him, not feeling like seeing or talking to him and looking for something else out there.

I also miss my last boyfriend so much. I have had a lot of reflection since we broke up and have been starting to believe that maybe there was less wrong with him and more with me. I didn't feel like we were on the same intellectual level and that our conversations were boring, but now when I talk to him occasionally I love it so much. I can't tell if I'm just missing the idea of him, or maybe if I unknowingly sabotaged the relationship out of fear of opening up and being seen. I love the guy I am with now, but cannot cope with how much I miss my ex-boyfriend and am feeling like maybe I could give our relationship another go down the track so am afraid of really hurting my current partner.

Would love any advice or stories of similar experiences.

Sophie_M

Hello mooooo,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. And my gosh, what a post. This sounds so, so confusing for you!

I completely understand what it's like to feel such conflicting emotions about the person you are dating - relationships are rarely black and white and they can trigger us in so many ways. It's pretty human to want to run from things that feel overwhelming, stifling, or even too familiar. There are many reasons for this, and deeply understanding ourselves helps to address those reasons.

In saying this, I can hear you're learning more and more about yourself on this journey, which is wonderful, and I think your reflections about your inner emotional world are very self-aware. It is not uncommon for us to fear opening up and being seen, and to therefore find the flaws in our relationship - it can help us to feel more in control and less vulnerable.

"I felt misunderstood, and only after the relationship did I realise his lack of understanding for me was maybe because I shut him out a bit and was terrified of opening up fully and having him see me. I just wanted him to be able to read me better."

This is SO key!! I can see a common theme with really needing to be understood. What do you wish that your current partner understood about how you are feeling? And what would you change about your relationship right now, if you could? Maybe starting there will help you with more clarity?

I am getting the sense you have obtained something really valuable within your relationships here: the gift of self-inquiry. I would like to suggest that you keep being curious - you are asking all the right questions. Can you start to journal about these feelings and conduct a little Q & A with yourself? Pretend you are interviewing the part of you that wants to pull away, imagine them as a character with a different name, if that helps. Try to approach this task with compassion for yourself, knowing that it's okay to feel whatever comes up.

Let me know how you go and remember that you are allowed to be confused or afraid. These emotions are just trying to give you little clues about who you are and what you want, which is why we need to get to know them!

Talk soon,

Sophie M xx

mooooo

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you so much for your advice.

I tried to dig deep and find out what I feel is misunderstood about me. Honestly, I can't put a pin in it. I reminisced on scenarios when I didn't feel understood by someone, and then the scenarios where I could tell someone was starting to see my inner world and it terrified me.

I think that I simultaneously push partners away and want them closer. Can't really tell what that's about.

I have left the new partner now and am alone for the first time in a long time. I miss both of them so much as the heartbreaks were quite close together, making it extremely difficult to decipher if I miss them or the idea of them. I'm sorry if these thoughts are slightly jumbled but my mind is a mess.